I’m still alive!!

I’m still alive,
But am I still living?
That is the bothersome thing…

That when two become one,
Yet seemed to be two still,
It started grating at my will…

I left my home, my history my family,
To create this new life with he,
Now I sometimes feel like I have even less of me,
And he is not what he said he was or would be…

It is my wrong, harboring such expectations,
I should have learnt from failed experience,
And now I am in a place where I don’t really want to be,
Not if he and I can’t live as one, souls in harmony.

I love him, I love him, I love him still,
And he says he loves me too,
Yet with all of the love inside of us,
Why am I always feeling so blue??

I am still alive, yes, I am,
But am I still living?
I want to, I will….

The End
Sky Lark Crow
1.05pm 3rd August 2009

I am house sitting today. My hubby is at work by now I hope.

We have good and bad times obviously, but there’s more struggles than anything else. Mostly to do with my inability to take it when a grown man acts like a child who has to be woken up in the morning for work and throws a fit when he’s already 3hours late and still sleeping, and you want him to just wake up and go. Then there’s the pot and the alcohol. I don’t mind a person who can hold his drink, but not someone who drinks so much that the next morning he says he is sick and not able to go to work, or his blame his sleeping medication or just blames everything, when he’s been gaming til 4am and saying the night before at midnight "If you sleep in the guestsroom I promise I’ll wake up early and go to work tomorrow…" A promise that’s given too often but never kept.

Anyways, I love my husband, I just need him to grow up and see life the way it is, and take responsibility. The fact that I’ve been having trouble finding a job here in Orange County doesn’t help because when I don’t have to go to work, he doesn’t want to go to work. Yet I am awake at 8 or 9am job hunting and trying to wake him up… On days when I do have a job to go to, or have an early morning interview, I ask him to wake up before I leave and many a times come back to find him still sleeping…

I’ve asked him to go get another job that he would want to work at since he hates his job… He talks a lot about what he wants to do but never does it. The latest is being a bartender… Well yeah, you can be one if you actually start taking bartendering school and making applications… but it just won’t happen if you’re gonna sleep late from gaming all night, then waking up late for work, then coming back to listen to talk radio dissing about the politics, then boring me about the politics, smoking pot, drinking and gaming again… Yeah that pattern isn’t going to change there place where you are at that you hate…

Well, at least I am house sitting today and for the next 11days, I’ll get paid for it and that’ll be a good buffer for this month. I hope that I’ll land a job by the end of my house sitting period as I have been going for several interviews. I found a place close by that I can go to for prayer every Friday, they also have other activities on some weekends and such, so I want to get more involved. For a year plus now my life has been vacant of the service that I had been involved in back at home, and vacant of the group sharing of spirituality which was abundant to me before… On my own, I still hold strong to God, but with the congregation again I truly feel energized…

Things will start to turn around I know… I am happier now that I’ve found the center, and I can recenter myself as well and work on bringing my marriage together…

I love him, there is so much good that he has, aside from everything that I complain about. He loves animals, he is really smart, he can even cook when he feels like it (though he hates cleaning up)… He can be so funny and entertaining, and he is adventurous, though only for his own interest… But sometimes he does spontaneously take me out for stuff that he knows I like as well… So there’s a lot of good about him, he just needs to grow up and be responsible for his work and we can truly enjoy life more without worrying about wether we’ll be able to afford a roof over our heads…

Anyways, I think I am back here… Though not as much as I used to be. I just like writing in opendiary anyways.

Take care and God bless.

Sincerely,
Lanis