If I could only Cut you out of my heart

I suddenly found you in the depths of my heart,
Somehow you got into some irremovable part,
That you didn’t even want to be in,
Making my love for you feel like sin.

If I could only cut you out of my heart….

Was I always so pushy about yout ife?
Knowing things about you tends to cut like a knife,
I feel as though I could no longer be your friend,
Because my heart’s longing for you just wouldn’t end.

If I could only cut you out of my heart….

Sometimes I don’t know who is ‘me’ any longer,
When I’m with you,
I grown both weaker and stronger,
Confused, bemused, too much a conflicting stuff,
Sometimes I wanna give up, screaming "ENOUGH is ENOUGH!".

But how can I let you go?
When I just love you so?
This love is like a curse upon me,
Knowing that we’d never have a "WE".

If I could only cut you out of my heart….

Would it be different? Sometimes I’d wonder,
If I had told you far, far sooner,
For I loved you for years before you met her,
If I told you before that? Would it have brought us closer?

There’s no great goodness in all those "If’s",
To my sanity, it’s just a cruel theif,
Making me wonder if I could have done things different,
Would knowing the answer be sufficient?
If the answer was "Yes!" it still wouldn’t change a thing,
Except that I’d feel stupid for not doing a thing,
At a time when it would have changed our world,
Yeah, that reality would really send me downward spiral.

If I could only cut you out of my heart….

I told myself, when I first realized I loved you,
"He must never, never know that it’s true…"
Then one day you talked about leaving,
And my heart was slowly, surely, dying,
And I thought, "It couldn’t hurt me,"
To say, "It’s you I’ve been in love with!" finally.

Yes, all the times you said I was sappy,
That you thought I was inlove and that’s why so happy,
You wanted to know "Who?"
But you didn’t want the answer to be, "You…"

If I could only cut you out of my heart….

And then you didn’t go,
And I had to face tomorrow,
See you, knowing that you knew,
That you knew it was true,
But you couldn’t love me anyway,
Knowing that I had to still face you everyday.

If I could only cut you out of my heart….

Three years have gone by, and we’re still friends,
My heart still aches and bleeds to no end,
And yet, I cannot walk away,
For the promise that I made to you yesterday,
"I will never leave you, I will always stay,"
Even if it wouldn’t matter much to you anyway.

If I could only cut you out of my heart….

Sometimes you tell me that you don’t wan’t me to go,
Everytime you say "It’ll hurt you more than it’ll hurt me, you know…"
Yes I know, I’m not amongst those whom you really care for,
I hold that delusion no more,
Yet, my heart still cries "I love you!" in vain,
And we laugh, and chat, and tease, ignoring my pain.

If I could only cut you out of my heart….

I guess a part of me just wanted to matter,
Wanted to really matter in your life,
Wanted you to say because of me somethings have been better,
But if you said that, just to please, I still wouldn’t survive.

If I could only cut you out of my heart….

Because you’ve always been honest with me,
I knew you had never felt a love for me,
Coz you would have at least once told me so,
And it would have set my heart on an eternal glow.

But I love you, and you don’t love me,
That’s just how it seems to be,
That just is the reality of ‘we’,
Which I must accept, and just try to be happy.

The End
Sky Lark Crow
8.40pm 8th May 2006

***

I am a compulsive kinda stalker when it comes to someone whom I love. I’ll admit that right off now.
Again I went searching his name through the net and I found the diary that he has which he doesn’t ever want ‘her’ to read, and probably never wanted me to read either as he had never mentioned it to me before anyway.
The very first entree was about someone betraying him, so now after a whole 2years I know why he was so angry, and hurt and betrayed and battered inside, ontop of all the other batterings which life has dealt him.
I remember him shouting at me that he didn’t want to talk about. The tears in his eyes, which I forced on him.
My heart ached. I loved him so much. And he was in love with someone who’d hurt him so much.
He says he isn’t anymore. I’ll just have to believe him. He says it’s someone else from his past he talked about last.
He says he could never love again. Honestly, I think he will love again. I know he will.
Some gal will one day find a way through his barriers without hurting him first, aside from his internal war,
and when those walls come done, he’ll fall into her arms, and they’ll never let go of each other. Eternally happy.
He’s the kind of person those love stories of rogues and beauties are written of.
It will be his story one day. And I know I won’t be a part of it.

***

I know I keep going back and forth…. I never did get over my ex-bf until I met him anyway. Our friendship started so funny. The first guy I met online from Malaysia whom I trusted to keep having conversations with everytime I got online and found him there too…. He lived in a different state so I thought to myself "There’s no harm in chatting with him. He’ll never want to meet anyhow, coz he’s not from here, it’s too far to travel for tea." hahahaha How wrong I was. After a year chatting with him online I finally took his phone number down. My only excuse I ever used FOR A WHOLE YEAR before that was "I don’t have a pencil or pen on me to write it down." and he would just accept that answer and still talk to me the next time he saw me online, and yeah he utterly amused the hell out of me.

The day we first met, I hadn’t seen his picture before at all, so I was just one gal waiting at the place we were to meet, and I saw one group of Indian boys walking in, and I didn’t think it was him, so I just called to ask where the heck he was. He didn’t tell me that he was with other people. He didn’t have my picture either I think. So we were just meeting like that. I waited for an hour before he got there. He was walking into th building with a group of Indian Boys and somehow I knew that HE was in THAT group and not any of the others that had walked passed before that.

I called his mobile again and he said "Look for the guy with his mobile on the table." and I was thinking "Sheesh, as though other guys don’t put their mobiles on the table!" But you know what? I knew whom he was even before I said hi and introduced myself. Yeah, of the 5 guys I knew exactly which guy would be him, even though I’d never even seen his face before that. We got along really well, and things were just so relaxed and good between us as though we had been friends for years. Yeah, he was still

secretive as hell about his past, he still is. There’s loads that he would never talk about. But I’m just talking about everyday stuff. We were comfortable just being ourselves in each others company, without past baggage and stuff like that.

I suppose if I didn’t start caring too much and didn’t fall in love with him, things may have remained the same. He even said that once "You shouldn’t have fallen in love with me…." It spoilt things, he was saying…. Yeah, it changed us forever… It was my fault. You can’t force a person to love you if he doesn’t love you… Can you force yourself to fall out of love though?

I’m thankful for him in my life. Even through the pain, I don’t want to lose his presence in my life. I just really want to lose this feeling which I have inside me which stops me from just being the friend I always was to him. The person who didn’t push him endlessly toward things he didn’t want to come out with. I wonder if I was always like that. If I always pushed him or if I started because I began falling in love with him, and you know, when you’re in love with someone you want to know everything about them? If they are down, you want to know why, you want to be able to pick the person up again. When they are sad, you want to kiss the blues away. When the person’s crying, you want to wipe those tears away and help the person find a smile again, laugh again, and just be happy again.

Sometimes I feel as though I’ve never ever made him happy. Not really happy, not enough that he’d forget his sorrows for a moment. I suppose that’s why he couldn’t love me. The people he loved could do that for him. I couldn’t ever… I think that if I ever had had a chance, it was during those short months when I was trying to deal with my feelings for him at first. Going between fighting it and realizing that I wouldn’t rest until I just accepted it. He would ask me to go out for meals and stuff and I’d turn him down "You can go for movies alone! I do that!" how I hate myself for saying that to him. I knew he was lonely, I wasn’t as lonely, I shouldn’t have left him to be so alone. He’d say "I don’t want to eat alone!" and I’d say "You can’t blame me if you’re gonna starve yourself." Honestly, I wanted to run out and change and go see him that instant. I was fighting. Coz my heart told me that even if I told him I loved him, he wouldn’t love me back, and then I’d be truly alone… Coz as long as he didn’t know, I wouldn’t be alone. There’d be at least a shred of hope that I could hold on to…. But once it was said, once I had his rejection of it, there would be no hope anymore. No shred of light to hold on to. I’d have to live knowing that he knew I loved him, and me knowing that he could never love me back at all. All this futility makes me sick to the stomach.

You know what’s going to happen when he comes? We’ll go back to our sinful ways. Play lovers and more than friends as long as he’s here. Then he’ll leave, and things go back to just the way it is. I want it anyway. The part of me that’s so starved for the tenderness of human touch, that’ll take it in whatever form it comes, as long as it’s from him. We won’t have sex of course…. He has never crossed that line with me. It’s all just too intimate play… At times he would tell me that the play would get too much for him and he’s afraid that he’ll end up hurting me and losing me. I can’t deny the possibility of that. If it does go too far, I definately could no longer stay.

It’s one thing to give your love to someone and have it rejected.
Another thing to give your entire soul and the one thing you’ve been protecting, for that someone special who’ll take it from you because in return he’ll love you your entire life long, to someone who’ll take it and still not love you anyway. It would change my life to give it to him… Shatter parts of my future… Honestly, it would make the other side of my life a total lie then, and then there’d be too much that would come undone with that one act for me to keep promises to the one who took it away, knowing of the consequences.

What’s the big deal about virginity right? My dad goes around the world promoting his action plans to governments on how to fight the wave of negativity this world is facing. His formula to fight against the decline of values, the rise of voilence amongst youngsters, the rise of abandoned babies, unwed mothers, AIDS, STD’s, Drug addiction and everything else that’s plaguing the Morale and Values of the nation’s children…. It’s his Value and Virtues, action plan and HOPE agenda… One which upholds the importance of having the VALUE OF SELF, as in protecting your virginity BOTH BOYS AND GIRLS, coz boys can’t go around taking girls virginities while girls have to keep protecting it. Boys having to respect a girl who keeps her virtue and boys also realising that it’s important that they keep their virtue as well… That youths realize that they have self value, and if they value themselves they will live to uphold that value. The hope agenda is about respect for parents/guardian. That person whom you look up to because they’ve been your guide in life and have brought you so far with their love and wisdom. Your mother, father, guarding, the person who has been in all sense your PArent, even if it may not be a connection by blood…. Yeah, so my dad is pushing his agenda’s to combat the decline of value and virtue… How can I, as his daughter, undermine the entire thing, for the love of someone who DOESN’T LOVE ME?

It seems so easy and so hard.

Anyway, I just needed to admit that somewhere…. So here you have it. My delima. My tendencies to be a rotten little scamp, compared to the person I’m supposed to be as my father’s daughter. The gal who lives upholding the highest virtue’s in life…. If he knew the truth about my lil boy blue.. He would hate me forever, and he would be absolutely shattered.

How can I live with that knowledge?

God bless you.

Sincerely,
In Chains….