I Can’t Even Say Hello Anymore…

You’re there,
But I can’t talk to you,
Can’t even say "Hello",
For the fear of your reaction…

There’s a sense of emptiness which I feel then,
And I know you keep saying, "Don’t take it personally,"
Yes, you’re ignoring everybody…
But I guess I have to be me…

I suppose I’ll just be me in silence,
Alone, weather the consequence,
I’m tired of you meaning so much to me,
Tired of feeling this misery,
Because of you, I’m sick of being me,
So I’ll be silent and just let it be.

I don’t think we’re going to last much longer,
And I don’t think you really care,
So there doesn’t seem to be much left there.
And I no longer know what I’m holding on to here.

The End
Sky Lark Crow
7.16pm 2nd November 2005

***

I really don’t know why I try, when trying seems to either get me no where fast or take everything to a bad end.
So perhaps me trying seems more like me being the nagging GF when I ain’t the GF and he ain’t the BF.
Perhaps I have no right to try at all. But I ain’t trying to save a relationship which doesn’t exist, I’m trying to save the friendship which did exist. Or at least, a friendship which I thought existed. I’m so tired of wondering.
So he keeps saying that he needs his space, and that’s why he’s a grumpy grouch even when I say "Hello".
I’ve stopped saying Hello then, or trying my level best not to. It just seems wrong somehow that it’s like that.
It’s true, we treat our friends differently according to what suits best between the person and ourselves.
Sometimes I feel as though that would suit both him and me is for us to just not be friends anymore.
When I’m tired and sick and just too weak to want to fight with myself, that’s when I think that.
Thinking is too tiring. I’m making it about myself when it isn’t. He’s got a shit load of crap to deal with.
I didn’t want to add to his crap by being myself. I don’t want to give him anymore headaches than he already has.
But there’s something essentially wrong with not even being able to say hello and get a hi in return.
So I’m just being too much of me, not seeing it from his point of view perhaps.
I’m just staying silent now. But my heart aches when I see him online, and know that if I say HI things will go bad.
I’m still staying silent coz I just know that it’ll be worst if I say hi and he’s all the grouch on me, it’ll just start on me making one mistake after the other. And even if I email to say I’m sorry that I got him riled, he’ll say I’m taking it personally. I honestly don’t know what that means anymore, because even when I’m sending him a general email saying that my mood was bad and that’s why things went sour, he says I’m taking it personally, and I don’t get it.
Anyway, I guess I’ll just maintain my silence and let things just be as they will be with my being silent.

***

I’m feeling sick today. Yesterday things were good. After the injection I felt a lil weird for a while when walking through Garden Central, and I was telling myself that I was just imagining it. After a while it didn’t bother me anymore, and nothing was wrong. I cooked dinner and all anyhow. Things were quite good. I had fun.

Then I was reading at night or trying to study, but my ear was being a bother. It doesn’t hurt, but it feels rather odd, and it’s a distracting feeling.

Anyway, when I tried to sleep, that’s when things started getting bad. My stomach felt weird as though it was collapsing to one side. Really odd sensation, and I couldn’t sleep no matter what position I tried, and I can really only sleep well in two positions. Sleeping on my left, or sleeping with my tummy on the bed. But I couldn’t sleep using either. And instead spent most of the time trying to sleep and hoping that time moved slower so that I could get some sleep before Li called.

When Li called, I had gotten perhaps a half hour of sleep, when she called I had been trying to go back to sleep for about 2 hours already. I told her that I wasn’t feeling well so I couldn’t go to town with them. We were supposed to just accompany her to the Toowoomba Interchange. Then again, if I did that, I’d just be heck to weak, and end up spending too much time outside when I should either be resting this damn ill feeling off or studying.

So anyway, I tried to go back to sleep and woke up again at around 12.20am which was still before Li was supposed to leave coz she said she was catching the 1pm bus. I got up and just got online for a bit trying to read, but I developed a headache and my ear started bugging me again and my tummy continued to be weird, so after a while I just gave up and went back to trying to sleep. This is bad. I have an exam Friday.

I can sit for the exam like this except that it’s not letting me prepare more. And I can’t remember what I did already prepared so I feel both physically and mentally screwed now… *sigh*

Anyway, I’m going back to reading and being ignored by my pal. HAHAHAHAHA

I’m wasting too much life on feeling bad over that relationship.

God be with ya’ll.

Sincerely,
Just Sick of being Me…