Deafened and Blinded

I’ve lost sight of all that was beautiful,
Everything about that made me laugh,
The visions that made me sigh
At awe of its grandure…

I no longer hear
The melodies that would tickle my ear
With a spring of warmth and lightness
Filling my being with joy and brightness…

I no longer see
All those glorious images
That would enchant me
With a world of such wonderful creatures…

Deafened by harshness,
Blinded by tears,
Tainted by warranted fears,
Reality numbing the nerves,
Hope can be such a curse,
When its hope for futility…

Broken and crumpled,
Tumbled in the grass,
Feeling its softness,
Dampened by tears,
Washing away,
The pain must come before it can go,
To be able to stand and face tomorrow.

The End
Sky Lark Crow
2am 26th August 2006

***

If you think you are tired with my situation with Tbear imagine how far more weary I am over it?

And no, I am no longer asking for it. Yes I used to be that dumb and self-abusive, but now I want out of it completely if I can’t free myself from the burden that the last three years has put on this ‘friendship’.

***

I’m back online from home now. I found that the connection’s working. I have to thank Tbear for it. *sigh* I was waiting for a cab to get back from shopping, he sent me an sms from India asking if I was getting online and I said that I would get online from a cybercafe if he was going to be on for at least another hour, which would give me time to get home and drop everything off and get to the cafe to talk to him for at least a half hour.

I got the cab back, asked my maid to take everything in and practically ran down the road to the cybercafe to find that it was closed already. So I walked back up but at a slower pace, then got into the house and came straight upstairs to see if I could connect the CPU, which I just got refixed yesterday to see if I could get the wireless connection working. And WALAH IT WORKED! So yeah, if Tbear didn’t say he was gonna be online, I wouldn’t have tested it today.

But unfortunately, we had to rub each other the wrong way, I started it first by telling him that my house had was a hotspot and he asked what that meant and I said that we had wireless. And he said "OH you’re just talking about that" or something, to which I said "Yeah, what did you think I meant by hotspot? Whore house? No you didn’t succeed in converting me THAT much!" That statement pissed him off and he said that if I was gonna be that way he wouldn’t sms me or talk to me anymore… And I told him that I was just kidding and apologized for saying that. Then later I asked him what he wanted for his Bday and he said a home video, so I said I’ll buy him porn, and he said he didn’t want that, and I said "Well if you want me to make a personal home video for you, you can fuck off" or something like that, which made him go "huh?" twice and then he said he was going offline. I left him a msg on YM saying that if he was going to get pissed of at my jokes, then it ain’t fair for him to make statements like that either when I’ve already told him that I didn’t wanna get into that with him anymore, so it pisses me off when he brings it up. He and I just rub each other the wrong way now even though we don’t want to… It is very tiring and it honestly depresses me a lot, so I’m just trying to forget about today’s conversation coz I was happy to see him online until we started to talk… *sigh* The irony is truly sickening.

Ah, I found someone who would pose nude for me. I found that I wasn’t half bad at taking the pics either. Well, not fully nude, partially nude. She has nice long hair that makes great cover… *grins* And she wears a bottom – mini’s, g-string or whatever… So we’ve only done one session of shots coz she wanted them for her boyfriend. Had fun taking the shots really. I found that I wasn’t really all that tempted to fondle her even though I had the chance. At least it’s not something that I’d do without knowing that I have her permission. Perhaps one day the photo session will turn into something more, coz the chick is really attractive and we get along really well. Quite a sweety she can be, though at times, she’s a lil too wild and she can also be rather boring with regards to stuff which she likes to do which is quite limited. But anyways, mostly we enjoy each others company, which is cool. I’m sure that she’s bored with the stuff I like too, because she doesnt like it. No I ain’t sharing her pics with you or anyone else. I didn’t even tell Tbear that I’ve already done the shots, though I did tell him before she and I agreed on the session date, that I ‘may’ have found someone who’d be interested in posing nude for me. He knows who the person is only from what I’ve told him about her. He knows that it’s the person I’ve been hanging out with more often lately. He’s seen her pic, he just doesn’t know that we’ve already done the session with rather good results, if I do say so myself.

At least I now know that I can be very professional about taking nude pics if I want to and that I can do it with keeping in mind that my purpose is to take good pictures and not to try and seduce my model while working on her pics. That’s a really good thing for me to know anyhow. Unfortunately I can’t find anyone else to pose for me, and it’s not exactly something that I can advertise either. hahahahah Such a wasted talent. After she saw the pics she told me that I should give up Psychology and take up photography instead. *grins* heheheh kewl eh?

I’m going for a slimming programme now. I will let you know about the progress of that one after my 5th treatment. I am on my second treatment already. Third actually, but my first one was free, so it’s the second of the 10treatments which I paid for at least. But I ain’t letting them convince me to buy anything else from them aside from the treatment. And since there was a mess up with the bank and I have to pay for the treatment in a lumpsum instead of in installments they’ve given me an additional treatment free which costs a lil more than how much I’d have to pay in addition to the credit department for not being able to make the full payment on the amount for the treatment. So fine. I’ll owe my dad for it, and if the slimming programme works dad will be happy about it anyhow. I only don’t like that aside from trying to make you buy more of their products, they always insist that you go on a frigging diet which deprives you every kind of food that you love… But I’ve already had it in mind to change my ways of eating. So I’m going to find a midway between their recommendation and my own wants, so that it’ll be something that I will maintain once the sessions are over, instead of going on a diet that I will probably stop once the treatment stops as well. They always caution that you have to maintain the diet after the treatment is done as well otherwise you’ll end up back at square one. So I am going to take a middle way that’ll keep me from going back to square one.

Also joined the gym and that’s been fun. Most of the times even though I miss Tbear I d

on’t feel as desperate to catch him online if I don’t know if he is going to be online. I look forward to talking to him, in hope that the conversation would be good, but I don’t feel at a loss when I don’t get to talk to him. And conversations like today make me feel that I’m better off with just the once in a while sms that pass between us without chatting with him, coz then we don’t really piss each other off coz it’s too costly. Even then sms’s gets to be a pain when things go bad, but I’m less trigger happy to send him a nasty sms… Less, I still did a couple of times, but less than I did before… It’s just not worth the misery. I don’t know why it has to be this way. I’m gonna put it down to my own personally sucky attitude this time, and see if it can be avoided if I change my attitude for the next time I see him online. But if I am nice the next time and things still go bad, then I really have to think long and hard about why I’m trying so hard for something that is just going no where… I think that even he is giving up and he’s going back to being all angry and all be damned again. It can’t be because of me because according to him, or according to his manner, he don’t give a damn enough about me to care about the way things are with me, and feeling that little for it, it has no affect on his life. So something else’s putting a stalk up his ass then.

I want his life to give him a good break and for him to be happy and everything good for him, but I’m just so tired of feeling degraded and unhappy over the way things are between us. I never wanted to lose his friendship. I was stupid to fall in love with him. But he did say that he wouldn’t torture me for loving him anyhow. Yet he does, knowingly or unwittingly he tortures me with it while insisting that that just isn’t the case. So it’s all my fault. I’ve shed too many tears over this.

I’m just going back into my shell and staying there. Now I know why I built that shell and decided that I wasn’t going to let anyone in nor was I going to venture out of it either… I wasn’t wrong in thinking that I needed to protect myself and that I shouldn’t trust someone to not hurt me just because the person says that they’ve been broken and used and abused before and would never do that to me because they know how it feels already… They can say that, but they’ll do it anyway while claiming that they ain’t. In the end, the shell was errect for the right reasons and it will do me good to remember that and stay in it.

They say that an average adult laughs 17times a day…. I’ve got to be on the low average. It’s become so that I probably don’t even laugh more than 5times a day, coz I don’t really wanna be around people much anymore, and the people whom I’ve learnt to let into my circle have become the ones who make me wanna cry instead.

I got to change the way I’ve been leading my life. But first I’ve got to get rid of the stuff that’s been keeping me from moving forward, coz they’ve been holding me back and breaking my spirit in any attempt to renew my life.

I know…. I"m so full of bullshit coz I know so much and use so little of it.

A person who has the wisdom, yet lives as though he has not, is even worst than the fool who doesn’t know better.

Take care and be well everyone.

God bless

Sincerely,
The Crab Returning To Its Shell