Confessions of Fire

I don’t want to feel this burn,
This burning sensation that overcomes me,
This burning sensation that forces me out of me,
This feeling that just makes me a monster of misery…

"I don’t hate… I don’t hate… I DON’T hate…"
I keep telling myself,
But there’s another side of me that whispers…
"You do…"
Or at least, I have begun to…

The strain of the constant fighting,
The constant struggling,
The constant reminder of how horrible I am,
How horrible I’ve been,
How I’ve never ever done anything right,
The shame, the embarrasment, the accusations,
It is all just weighing me down completely,
And I am just coming apart steadily…

So I was the bad seed…
I am the bad seed,
The one who blackens the family,
The one who makes the lot dirty,
I don’t belong…
I am no longer strong…
I hate the tears that overwhelm me,
I start to hate me,
And I start to hate the person who made that of me…

I am the black spawn,
The failure of the father,
The bane of the step-mother…
Funny term there : Step-mother
That she feels I am stepping on her…
And I feel she is stepping on me…
I could never see her as a real mother,
As my real mother loved me unconditionally,
Though all the pain and struggles we went through,
She loved me unconditionally, and totally,
And she was not beneath letting the hurt and anger go,
Even when I was holding on so…
For she knew, as soon as she let it go,
I’d let it go too…
Coz I loved her, I love her, forever, there is no one better…
I miss my mother,
I miss the kind of love she showed me,
The kind of love I am so undeserving of… Apparently.

So here I’ll admit for no ears to hear…
Yes, I do hate her…
Not totally, but a small part of me,
Broken and torn and bleeding…
Hates her, and hates me, and just hates her…
I do love my stepmother…
But at the same time, yes I do hate her…
For everything that’s happened since the marriage,
I hate her…
I don’t feel great about it,
I’ve tried to keep away from it,
But I can’t help it,
I hate her.
But I love her.
She’s my dad’s wife,
My step-mother,
I must love her.

The End
Sky Lark Crow
10.52pm 3rd April 2008

I am horrible I know.