Bleeding Again

Yet again,
You’ve got my heart bleeding,
Soul crying,
Eyes aching,
With unshed tears…

What did I do to deserve this?
Love you, that was my mistake,
And if I do leave, I’m not the one you’d miss,
Coz it’s still her that you want to make…

And while I knew that has never changed,
I let myself be what I never wanted to be,
And now nothing good can be reclaimed,
Coz I’ve been swiftly losing me…

Lust cannot make up for the pain,
Of loving you and being used in vain,
You know what this feels like,
She put you through it,
And you want her still dispite,
All that crazy shit.

And here I’m dying,
And you don’t seem to care,
So I just no longer want to be here,
I can’t take the endless dispaire…

The End
Sky Lark Crow
5.13pm 27th Jan 2006

***

Right now I’d be happy if I was on the next plane to Toowoomba bypassing Perth and everyone I know.

***

Hmmm… Tbear’s got the amazing ability to make me miss that Hell hole… He breaks my heart everytime, and he keeps apologizing for things that I don’t give jack shit about, yet doesn’t apologize for the stuff that does sting me badly… We can’t really seem to talk about anything anymore amicably unless I’m doing stuff I don’t wanna be doing at the same time. And it’s not worth it…. He still wants her. The gal who broke his heart and ripped him. And he’s breaking my heart and ripping me in kind, even though he claims he doesn’t want to hurt me.

So I’ve been blind and stupid, and you can’t blame a guy for taking advantage of a girl who was so willing to offer anything to appease right? So I let him use me, and he did. And I’ve decided that I’m not letting him do that anymore.

He ain’t returning to Msia before I leave for Aus. So I told him that that will probably save our friendship and I told him that if he had come back and ended up coaxing me into stuff again, I’d let it slide and then when I left the country I’d leave everything behind including anything I thought that I could salvage with him… Yeah, but I don’t think he really cares about it… He’ll go back to the same old shit and in the end the only person who can make him really laugh is her. He said that. When I told him if I was there with him he wouldn’t have any fun. He said that he only really laughed with her… Yes, there’s nothing that could feel more like a knife in my heart.

So yet again I’m bleeding. I haven’t seen him since before June and he has made me bleed so many times without even being here… I don’t know why I tried so hard to sustain something that was killing me. If he really wanted us to stay on good terms and remain friends, good friends, he would have stopped the shit a long time ago. He knows I’m in love with him, yet he uses me, and to him it’s okay….

Perhaps coz she did that to him and he still wants her… I don’t know what makes him see on wrong in using me. Perhaps coz I let him, so I ain’t letting it happen anymore… He has made me hate so many things that I’ve loved. Made me reject so many things that would have made me happy… Made me doubt myself on things that I never had a doubt about before… He made me doubt myself. Brought me along a path I never wanted to walk. And has me living a lie and hating myself and everything I am with him.

It’s not worth it. This shell I’ve become, pretending that I ain’t as empty as he’s made me feel.

I believe I lost my best friend a long time ago (the day I told him I loved him). And now I’m grasping for something that just doesn’t exist anymore… And I’m so tired of living this half life over him.

And if he was my best friend, he would understand how I’m feeling and what it’s been doing to me, what he’s been doing to me… But he doesn’t understand, because if he does understand then I can only believe that he doesn’t give a damn… Eitherway this friendship’s become a farce and it’s damned to hell coz it’s totally screwed.

He’s getting his life back together. Eventually he’ll find a way to win her. He’ll be happy.

And I have to find a way to repair myself and find a better ending for my own pathetic excuse of a life story.

Ta
The Hollowed Darkness Within