All That Does Matter

All that does matter,
Is that we make things better,
Between you and me,
And to remember constantly,
That we’re the best of friends,
From start to the end,
The best pals we’ll be,
For an eternity…

The end
Sky Lark Crow
2.48am 1st June 2006

***

Anyway, because he’s on medication it’s hard to say what’s gonna happen between tomorrow and today.
Only that so far it seems as though, even though I pissed him off, we’re friends anyway.

***

Well, I pulled my latest and last stunt on him really… But I think that perhaps it only didn’t work because he’s on medications and can’t remember anything that happened before. Coz I mentioned today that things have been okay with us unless I piss him off and he was like "How did you piss me off? I only remember pissing you off?" So honestly, to avoid another round of "WTF DID YOU DO THAT?" I just ain’t gonna remind him… I suppose if she replies the email to him, or to me for that matter, I’m gonna have to go through another round of that anyway, coz he’ll ask me what the hell I did, or her email would pretty much explain it and I’ll get fired for it. I just don’t wanna keep reminding him everytime, perhaps when he’s fully recovered. Otherwise everytime he recovers again he’ll ask what happened and if I keep telling him, it’ll just open up another series of firing each time for the same mistake.

It wasn’t a mistake really… I don’t know how she is going to take it. What I did was, he had an entree in his blog for her, his ex-gf whom he is still in love with and still wants to get back together with and is hoping to high heaven that he’ll still have a chance with again if only she’ll forgive him… So that’s what he said in his entree ending it with "Do you think she’ll forgive me?"

So I sorta found her email address from an old email which he sent. He tends to send forwards without bcc’ing the mailing list, so I found her email there. And I realized who the gal actually was. All this time I thought that she was someone whom he had never told me about. And I sorta felt rather betrayed for that because he said he had gone out with her in 2004, when he and I were really good friends and I was wondering why the hell he wouldn’t tell me about someone who made him so damn happy, when he kept telling me about all the woman who made his life a living hell, like the one I’d been checking the blog of.

When I found that email that he sent to everyone, I read her name and realized that he had told me about that girl. The thing was, she has a first name and middle name. He always talked about her before in 2004, using her first name, actually everytime he talked about her before I came to Aus he used her first name. Then he made one entree in his blog about a gal he wants to get back together with, and I thought that he was talking about the bitch (the blog gal), she really is a bitch, I wouldn’t say that if she wasn’t. But reading her blog I realized how much of a bitch she really was, but pretended to be nice anyway coz I had no right reading her blog.

So I thought he was talkng about the bitch and I got mad at him coz of some other stuff as well. He finally told me later that he was talking about someone else, and he mentioned a name that I didn’t recognize at all and I was like "How come you’ve never mentioned her to me before at all?" and he’s like "I don’t have to tell you everything about my love life you know?" and I went "It’s not as though you don’t tell me about the shitty side of it already, even if I don’t want to know. So how come you never told me about the happy ones?" So I was really sorta hurt. Anyway, I realized later when I saw his email to all with that gals name and email address on it that he HAD told me about the gal. Except that when we talked about her when back home, he always used her first name, but when we were talking about her online recently he always used her middle name. So I didn’t know that we were talking about the same person. Coz I did remember that when he was 24 he was dating her coz that was the same time his aunt tried to cause trouble between him and me and trying to poison him against her and trying to get me to take her side on it too… She is such a hag for always trying to break up his happiness… *sigh*

Anyway, so I went out of line. I knew it. I knew that he would get mad at me, but I did it anyway. I sent her an email to the link of that blog entree saying "YOu’ve probably read this, I don’t know. But you’re the only person who can answer that question for him. I hope that you and he will find happiness in your lives however it finds you.:" I started it saying that Paul was going to kill me for sending that email but it was a better reason for him to kill me compared to all the others that he has anyway. I ended it saying "God BLess, Sincerely Lanis, aka Paul’s friend…. P.S. Probably Paul’s ex-friend after this email… CC’ing this email to Paul to seal my fate."

And I did CC it to him because I wasn’t hiding. I don’t know if she’s read the email or not, but in so far she either hasn’t said anything about it to him, or he’s been so doped up that he doesn’t remember. Anyhow, I hope that if she does read it, she either takes it in a positive manner, or completely ignores it, coz I don’t want the plan to backfire and have her being mad at him over it and stuff like that. I care about him too much, I don’t want to ruin his only chance of happiness…

When he first read that email, he didn’t realize what I had done. It dawned on him while he and I were chatting that I had actually sent her that email and he got so pissed off at me that he blocked me from his blogs. I was actually expecting that he would completely stop talking to me, so that he only blocked me from his blog is a relatively tame reaction. But anyway, he was really pissed and spent 90mins after saying "Tell me what the heck you did coz I got to sleep in the next 5mins:" chewing me up and cursing me out (as best as he could with all the spelling errors while being doped up) for interfering with his love life. At some points he was so mad that  I couldn’t understand what he was typing coz under meds he can’t type well in the first place, so I’d say "Paul, type slow. If you want to curse me out even, at least type it well enough for me to appreciate the curse." which I don’t suppose helped the matter much. Anyway, I was expecting worst, I thought that it would be the straw that breaks the back of this friendship really, coz he really loves that gal. But it didn’t.

Anyhow, later I emailed him to ask about his day coz he said he was going to be hospitalized (but yet again for some reason that’s not happening. It’s apparently complicated, I don’t know why. He’s been too doped to explain that as well.) I said that I hope that he has a nice day. And he replied that he hasn’t had a nice day because I’ve fucked him his life worst than it had ever been.

When I read that, I stopped thinking completely. I couldn’t make sense of anything coz I was so crushed. I thought that she had replied and that it was bad, and I couldn’t focus on anything at all. I tried reading my assignment and I couldn’t, and my body went cold and I got really sick, so I just put my head down to sleep. Later I emailed him to ask why he said that. Asking if she said anything or if he was just being understandably still angry with me. Then I sent him another email saying that if she had said anything and it was bad, he should just tell me ‘yes or no’ and if it’s yes, she took the email bad, I would evict myself from his life because it’s one thing to be ineffective as a friend, quite another thing to be the friend who ruins the life of another friend. So if that happened I would walk and never mess with his life again, coz I wouldn’t be in it anymore.

(continue…)