Again..

Today we spoke again,
And it somewhat eased my pain…
So yes, you were on medication,
That is a valid explanation…

That you couldn’t remember what you did say,
That you apologized for those actions anyway,
I have to accept it and not keep it in my heart,
I don’t want it to draw us apart.

It’s not that I can’t live my life without you,
It’s really just that I honestly don’t want to,
You are my friend, faithful and loyal first,
That was what made the stuff of ‘us’…

Yes, quite honestly things would be good,
If it could go back to the way it should,
You and me, being friends and free,
Within the comforts of each others company.

The End
Sky Lark Crow
3.11am 27th May 2006

***

Yeah I know, you probably think that I’m frigging weak and touched in the head for keeping up this bounce.
But before he got sick, things were getting better between us, coz yeah, we did have our fights, and the air got cleared, and he was really trying to make things better and do things different because, in his own words "It hurt you, and I didn’t want to hurt you anymore." And that includes things that I said he could keep doing if he wanted. He stopped anyway because he said he knew that if he kept doing it, I won’t say anything coz it’s within his rights to do whatever he wants since I’ve got no claims on him.. But he knows it would hurt me some so he stopped Anyhow.

***

So well, the reason why I stay up nights to talk to him is coz I really like talking to him and on medication he is actualy far calmer and far more fun to talk to. The day before he was on new tranquilizers and totally doped up by the time he got online that I only understood 20% of the conversation when usually I can make out at least 80% of it , and most of that would be good. He just got mad coz he said he had to concentrate really hard to get things right because of his medication, and it took him longer to do it (which frustrates him because he’s all about speed and accuracy), and I didn’t give him time to get it done right before I was again saying that it was wrong. That’s why he got pissed, but after he was done, he asked me to check all the pages just to make sure that he hadn’t missed out anything, coz you know how html codes can be if you miss a dash or coma or inverted comma’s and stuff like that….

I caught him later in the day, well today really at around 6.30am, I was coming back into my room from taking pics of the morning sky and noticed that he was on. He ain’t gonna be hospitalized until after his mom gets back, so that’ll be a few more days I think. I sent him a link to one of my blogs and he liked what I wrote and I said "You mean you liked that better than the others?" and he said "I haven’t read your blog in a long time!" And I told him "You’ve read the last 5 entrees and liked all of them actually…" and he was like "I did? I don’t remember…" Coz all this while when I’ve been chatting with him, he was on his medications. Today morning when I caught him, he had just taken it so it hadn’t kicked in as yet…. So he was like "Okay, quickly tell me about everything we’ve talked about before my meds kick in please!!" And I told him that most of the days things were really just good fun except that me pissed me off the day before and I told him about the blog thing and other stuff. And he was like "I really said that? Sorry… I was so doped…." He couldn’t remember it at all… if he can’t remember reading my blog, then I’ll believe he didn’t remember anything else…

About the blog thing though, I told him then "Well, if you don’t remember reading my blog from one day to the next, then I won’t have to update it, and I can just give you the same URL, coz you would have forgotten reading it the day before anyway!" heheheh To that he replied "I’ll smack you if you do that!" hehehehe

He’s really so cute. 🙂 He caught me about a half hour before I went for prayers today and we played a couple of games of online pool. And I had to make him wait between shots coz I had to write down my notes for the Study Circle session while we were playing coz I couldn’t find the book where I normally write it in. And he was like "It be good if you make the shot this year you know?" and I told him that I couldn’t locate the book so I had to rewrite the stuff and "I don’t think that 20people will be very happy if I go there unprepared because I was too busy playing online pool with you!" and he laughed. heheheh 🙂 So it was a lot of laughing in that 30mins, highly enjoyable.

The thing is WE ARE FRIENDS. He even does acknowledge that our friendship is important. Because he does tend to say that he’s afraid of doing certain things because he’s scared that it would force me to walk away then. He has said that he is scared of losing my friendship. And the thing is, even on medication, he is still protective about the stuff he refuses to talk to me about when he is completely fine. So yeah, he is more honest on meds, but is not overspilling with honesty. Yet at the same time, he doesn’t lie on medication. If I push, if he ends up talking about stuff he doesn’t want me to know about, he goes into "I don’t want to talk about it. Please. Just stop asking.  I can’t think about it."

So I know that our friendship does mean something to him. But he and I are as weak as each other I suppose when it comes to resisting temptation, for our own various reasons. But the bottomline is that we both don’t want to lose the friendship between us. He doesn’t want me to walk away because I’ve been hurt by him. He’s put it straight with me already of how far he can and can’t go and what he can and cannot feel. He’s never said that it would change… If I have any hopes, the seeds were not misplanted by him. He has been honest.

Me, I’ve run my deceptions. I have a feeling that he knows I’ve been visiting his other blog and the other girls one as well… He has hinted big, in a way… But he has yet to come out and actually say something about it. And I am wondering if he is just giving me the chance to be honest about it because he also left me a testimonial on my friendster before saying that he doesn’t ever regret meeting me because of the kind of person I am, and one of his points was about my honesty… So I don’t feel right about the charades though. I will eventually tell him I suppose. In a way, him not forcing me to say anything could possibly be an indication that he isn’t going to kill me over it. That he’s willing to hopefully accept or at least listen to my reasoning first. I’m just scared.

One day when he was laughing so hard at something I either did or said I told him "Just remember these times and when you find a reason to get really pissed at me one day, don’t kill me anyway coz you know, I’ve made you laugh?" and he laughed even more… 🙂

I miss his laughter, his smiles, his conversation, his voice, his hugs, his company, I just miss him.

*sigh*

On the upside, well it’s all upside really since I know it was his tranquilzers now….

I got somereally great news from back home so this June after the exams instead of going to Adelaide I may have to go back to Malaysia instead!! YAY!! Yeah, if the news back home works out in favour, then yeah I’ll be glad to go home for 2 weeks instead…. When my sister told me and I said that was excellent, she was like "You mean you WANT to go back to Malaysia again so soon?" and I was like "Yeah! I miss home, and the kids and all!" The kids meaning our dog and cat. hehehe So hoping for the best there.

Which means I’ll be going home in June and then again in August… 🙂 heheheheh *sigh* I Love home.

I’ve got to get back to my assignment now.

Take care and God be with you always!

Sincerely,
Smiling coz God’s reminded me why there’s always a reason for me to smile!