So apprently I wrote while inebriated last night

 Alright, so I love Halloween normally….like my favorite holiday type love. But this year kinda sucked.  It started shitty with TF2 crashing with an issue from the Halloween Screamfest 2013 update. Then my xbox wouldn’t let me sign on to do anything. No games or netflix or anything…so I had to talk with xbox support online. Fed me some nonsense that supposedly was the issue but in actuality it isn’t/wasn’t the issue, so I wasted about an hour doing that part. Then I had to call them, where the dude who actually knew what the fuck he was talking about or atleast more so than the online bitch told me that it was just a matter of their servers being overwhelmed and that I just have to keep logging in and accepting the terms until I am lucky enough for it to go through…2 days and nothing . So, I haven’t been able to do any netflixing or xboxing at all.  The issue is that every time I try to accept the updated ToU {terms of use} it just logs me out and tries to get me to do it all again. So that all sucks. I ended up convincing a friend of mine to grab me some drinks which I proceeded to drink all of.  Apparently in my inebriated state I wrote the following.

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Fuuuuuuck holidays

 I’m sooooo fucking sick of being alone all the fucking time. I don’t give a fuck if it sounds pathetic anymore. I am fucking lonely as hell god damnit. Every fucking day it’s just alone alone alone. day in and day out. Soooo fucking isolated. Sure there are a few people that I talk to but it doesn’t change the fucking loneliness. And even so the people I do talk to don’t care or are just fucking oblivious to the fact that I am in a constant state of pain. I’m not stupid and I’m not a little bitch. I know my life is shitty in all aspects of it, and that as my life is right now…nobody would want to really be with me or help me or support me at all. I’m not fucking stupid and I am not weak. I handle this fuckin hurt and shit and I fucking manage. But for fuck’s sake I think I am allowed to crack a little here and there. I fucking hurt and I am not some fucking super human. I should be allowed to break fucking down now and again. Shit I’ve helped people enough that I deserve that. some more than others. Shit I deserve a fuck load more than what I get and got right now. you all fucking know me  i appreciate the little things more than the big thigns but for fucks sake lately i get fucking nothing. no little things no big things  nada. you want a good description of my life…FUCKIGN EMPTY and it’s fucking pathetic. I get that…and I’m sorry but it’s just how it is. I am just sick of it. Always being fucking alone and having nobody. Don’t get me wrong there are those of you that care and what not but its not the same and you people dont make a fucking effort to get past my bullshit. I admit it I got some fucking bullshit. I don’t particularly like people knowing that I am not as fucking stable as I seem. All this shit gets put on my fucking shoulders and Im just expected to carry it all and beat it and do so with a smile on my face, well guess what assholes. sometimes I fucking hurt and it wears on me god damnit.  The loneliness especially. I’m just expected to be good and okay and to get better and not need help.  I don’t need shit  but I fucking want it. I want someone to be there and actually listen to me and actually care and try to fucking be there for me instead of asking a bland careless question or 2 and then disappearing and not providing anything when I fucking vent my shit out..you know like i do for them Some actual honest ass caring about me ya know. You can say it all you fucking want but by all means show me a single person that has actually proven it. Who has shown that they actually give a flying fuck?  who the fuck cares about me more than just a person that can cheer them up and help them see solutions to their shit?   It’s not even a matter of what i deserve or want it’s a matter of.u being treated like a fucking tool rather than a god damn person. People dont fucking respect me they don’t care if I feel like shit as long as they are doing alright. i cant count the times we both say we both say we are not doing well and we deal with your shit and then you vanish and Im just sitting here like  yep  still fucking miserable   beyond all that shit it’s also a matter of intimately my life is fucking EMPTY too. There’s no intimate affection towards me from anywhere. Not even a god damn prospect of somebody giving a shit about me in a way more than friend/tool. ya know what  yeah i write about that shit alot but fuuuck you it’s been years since I had any actual or real potential for something more, and while I am sitting here having been alone for so long and used so many times and just not given a fuck about I hear my friend bitch to me about having his lady issues and being single again and how he "wishes [he] had a bitch to complain about"  and im just here like yeah it totally sucks that you and your gf broke up not too long ago and you are trying to go on dates and talk to other ladies already yup totally dude  you are soooo "depressed"  his word  mhm  your life is soooo hard and full of pain…SHUT THE FUCK UP. You’re my best friend and you don’t know a god damn thing about fucking depression and pain and shit. You claim to be lonely and shit HA…you dated her for a good long while, and youve been single for…what maybe a month…and to be perfectly honest…she was quite the number and I am still shocked you got her at all. so just shut the fuck up claiming to be depressed….youve got plenty of shit going your way while I have nothing and I don’t bitch about it as much as you jesus h christ i love you man but you have NOOOO FUCKING CLUE WHAT PAIN IS or depression for that matter…just shut the fuck up already and then there’s you…I think I’ll call you Ritz for this entry..since you end up in all or most of my damn entries because for some fucking reason I just had to fall for you of all people…you….oh do i hate you sometimes and other times i love you but you are certainly fucking frustrating at times..I mean what the fuck is this thing between us? We are basically best opposite gender friends, According to what you tell me I’m basically the only person you really talk to regularly excluding the people you work with and your family. You said you don’t talk to K much anymore, lately our conversations have just been off, it’s fucking weird and doesn’t make sense. Out of nowhere it’s weird talking to you?  Why? It’s not just me it’s on both ends….I think.  but shit being weird lately isnt even the biggest dealthe issue that concerns me most is WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE TO EACH OTHER? just friends? cus I call fucking bullshit on that. Yeah we are friends, great friends really but there is something more to it than just that. Maybe I am delusional but I could fucking go on and on about things that say otherwise Shit, just look at it all. you thought I was weird when we first met. or was it when you stalked me online because a friend of yours was crushing on me? either way you thought I was weird and I gave you a hug because you were upset that day without knowing you and  you still probably thoug

ht I was weird and you thought that I was just some dude that didnt really care that you were upset or how you felt or what have you, but I proved you wrong…you realized that i was different and for fucks sake I know you still know that  i am  i dont fucking remember what you said exactly awhile back you said that at first you thought i was just another dude and you realized that I really was different the more we talked. I think we became pretty close friends pretty quick. We didn’t get to see each other much in school but we would pass each other in the hall, it fucking scares me how clearly i can remember this shit…like walking past you and you always looking up from your feet or phone or whatever the fuck you always looked down at while wlaking through the halls and you always had a smile when you looked up. How about how when you would see someone going to hug me you would try to hug me first?  we always texted after school alot, shit we used to talk every fucking day. do you remember what you drew on my arm the first time we hung out?  I do. A dinosaur on one arm and "-nickname- was here" on the other and something on my cheek. You also tried to dye a strand of my hair purple and it didnt work. how about when we went to that horse show thing and you invited courtney who was crushing on me at the time to hang out a little bit before hand. Remember she sat on my lap across from you and was trying to kiss me and I fucking pulled away but she persisted and you looked away because it bothered you…yeah cant lie…it did…I know you well enough to notice shit like that. and then we visited horses i got bucked off to officially become a "cowgirl" then all that other stuff including our little cell phone conversations so that we could talk without people eavesdropping and shit…tiny tot getting her nickname…that i call her lol. i still think i should of kissed you before I had left. we went to prom that one time which ended up being fucking weird because i had to deal with courtney and such, and before i dropped you off back at your house we had another one of our secret phone convo things and you were all "what about her" you fucking cared back then too. youve always gotten jealous or some shit when it came to me and other chicks. how about when you came to k’s and saw me there the first time and almost fucking cried when you saw me with her and later you said how you felt like you couldnt hug me?  Shit, how about another time at K’s you sitting on my lap in the kitchen, the piggy back ride to the fire, you catching your pant leg on fire and me throwing you down and patting it out barehanded (not that impressive but still). None of that counts all the shit i was there for you through with all fo your asshole bfs that you chose that always came out of fucking nowhere and never really got to know you but somehow they always got your attention and you always ended up getting in to a lot of arguments with them because none of them knew how to fucking treat a girlfriend  ….bailing on you for their friends, having their mommies cancel plans and handle shit for them instead of talking to you themselves…fucking cheating on you, lying to you, the list goes on adn on  and I was always there and always helped however i could regardless of how fucking much i knew they were not good enough for you hel i hated some of them.  Remember that one time with the asshole that made you FUCKING DROP ME AS A FRIEND AND JUST STOP TALKING TO ME got all macho bitch when you messaged me first and he tried to convince me i had the wrong fucking number?  did you tell him how you messaged me first…did you defend me in that at all…is defend the right word? i didnt need any defending but…your lil boo was starting shit being a naive little cunt and trying to get alpha male to me…ME when it all started because you messaged me first and he didnt like you talking to me…ever find out why he didnt like me?  Ill tell you fucking why…because i intimidated him because he fucking saw that you and i were super fucking close….but did you ever defend our friendship? did you ever set his sorry ass straight when he tried to act tough to me, when i played as nice as i could because YOU asked me to?  do you remember or have any clue how much shit i did for you, because you asked me to, or you leaned on me, and trusted me. Shit try and tell me that there’s somebody other than family or sammy that you trust more than me? name a dude that you could trust more than me? name somebody that has been there for you through as much as i have…name someone who has waited for you after the bullshit youve put me through… someone who has forgiven you for more than me? someone that has been as honest with you as i have been?anyone that youve admitted to being wrong to more than me? you always have make up on right? who outside of family and sammy and her fam have seen you without makeup?  not counting exes.who can compare to me?  excluding sammy and your family?  who has been better to you? how about the fucking venom youve spat my way when you got all pissed off because I called you out on shit?   remember yousent that picture to me about "permafriendzones you…hates to see you with another girl"  THATS FUCKING YOU TO ME!!! how about some of the songs you demand me to listen to ?  is there any hidden meaning to those? you are always so fucking cryptic and expect me to just know hsit. you refuse to take that next step with me and yet…you always find a flaw and persist on keeping me from going to another girl and you get upset if you see me with another girl… how about how i am constantly the exception and different.   how everyone else gets some kind of normal treatment and normal responses while i get different ones? when people compliment you and hit on you and shit like that you give some retort to show you arent interested or you shrug it off or whatever…idr what you said, but when i compliment you you try to out-arrogant me. how many times have you said "i hate guys" and i say "i resent that" and you say something along the lines of me not counting or that im the exception. I refuse to believe that i am delusional…theres somethign between us, what the fuck is it? why have we never really given us a shot? What is the issue? what is the big thing that makes you believe that i am not worth a shot? what is the reason that you refuse to take the next step for us? You know that there is something between us…you clearly have feelings for me. you refuse to give me any fucking insight as to what goes on in your head or how you feel. You blocked everyone out and it seems like I get milisecond glimpses past your bullshit shell nonsense but as soon as you realize you let it slip you change subjects or fucking block shit off again.  It’s like you expect me to just fill in the fucking blanks with having nothing to really go off of…what the fuck do you want from me?  What do I have to do to prove myself to you? HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO ASK THE SAME QUESTIONS AND RANT ABOUT THE SAME SHIT BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY RESPOND AND OPEN UP? Jesus how many times have I ranted to you about everything and you just brush it off, ignore it, or just wait it out in hopes that I wont care anymore…guess what …I STILL FUCKING CARE…I don’t think youve ever REALLY responded to any of my fucking rants..the last fucking rant i went on you only said how i made you cry with it….WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT…crying could mean plenty of shit …what made you fucking cry?  and I even asked shit like that at the time, and what did you do.. pretty sure you fucking vanished….after that….How many times have you flat out ignored me? How many of your bfs have tried to get you to drop me as a friend? How many succeeded (for however long it lasted)  how many times have you actually fought to keep me as a friend when they tried that shit? What was it you said that one time about me? I’m different because i’ve been able to put up with you? Other dudes think they can because they think youre pretty or that they like you or some shit like that and how ive put up with being ignored, being treated like shit, being verbally attacked by you, etc etc and yet here I stand…who has put more effort into saving our friendship anytime it starts to crack and have a bunch of bullshit happen?  You’ve seen me at my fucking weakest moments…hardly anyone really talks to me when i am in that state…shit you barely talk to me when i am in that state…for fucks sake I let you read my fucking entries on this god damn site….and you are often a topic in them….clearly that takes some serious fucking trust dont ya think? and then theres you….fucking trusting me with alot, but fucking always blocking me the fuck out.  never giving me direct answers and always deflection bullshit and running away and hiding from my questions…when was the last fucking time you really opened up to me….shit  how many times have i asked you to read back through our really old fb messages and shit….read the rants and see how you ignored them…. so I keep fucking asking …what is this? what am i to you? why haven’t we even given it a shot? What are you so fucking afraid of? Whats holding you back? Why do you always fucking ignore my questions and shit?  Why are things weird right now?  Why do you randomly just disappear mid convo? Why keep me around if I mean so little to you? Why keep me believing and holding on to something if you don’t care? For fuck’s sake we used to talk all the time….every day even if it were for a few minutes…working alot or not…we always talked at least a little bit, and now it seems like a short conversation with you vanishing from the convo randomly once ever couple days…Jesus christ  i fucking miss you damnit  Youve been different for awhile now…i dont give a fuck if it bothers you right now, but something is off with you since your ex cheated on you and made several attempts to get to you and even try to hook up with you…Fucking hell at the very least take the time one of these days to tell me something….to fucking really respond to all my shit that ive brought up and youve ignored over the years. for fucks sake it keeps looking like i mean jack shit to you, and yet I know that’s not really true because whether you admit it or not i am a big part of your life and i mean something to you…but you continuously ignore me and my questions and block me off and shit maybe i dont know, but i believe theres something there shit…most of the time its like i mean nothing to you, some of the time you like…let it slip that i mean something and then the rest is you ignoring me. I fucking worry about you for fucks sake. I am just waiting for the day that some new asshole appears out of nowhere and you jump to that person who will inevitably hurt you and while you date that person i will be ignored, forgotten, and mean nothing more than a tool to help resolve the issues you have in your relationship. when you hang out with k or someone or go to a party or out and get hit on….i worry that someone is gonna end up taking you away from me again (not that i have you, but your ex got you to drop me, and ever since youve been fucking distant as fuck)  i worry that im just not gonna mean anything to you again…and that terrifies me…wanna know why….because I believe that there is something here, and my life is shit im not fucking stupid i see that my life is shit, and while youve lost alot in the past few years…I’ve lost alot too. and losing you again would fucking hurt a lot…now dont take that as guilting you or anything, it’s just…you mean a lot to me and i really dont wanna lose you again…hell for all i know i already have lost you…i know im not perfect…i have my flaws and faults…but my gre…not gonna try and fucking justify myself there….shit  half the time i check my messages and look at your name and decide not to message you first, assuming you are working or busy or dont wanna talk because normally when i do you just say a few words then disappear.  idk why but when we do talk its usually you messaging me first, so i at least know you remember me or something…i dont fucking know…im a miserable shit …i fucking get it, but i own up to every aspect of my self and i am damn proud of myself….fucking hell….I just want something, im fucking tired of riding on faith, and just saying fuck it when you run and never respond to my questions and rants…i think i deserve a little something…hell a lot of something …i love you…ive been straight up about that since the day i realized it…yeah you may work alot and shit, but remember my yearbook?  you put time into that, why not put some fucking time into creating a long detailed in depth response to everything….look back at the old fb messages and shit…show me that i mean something to you…answer some questions….and dont just say…if you think you dont matter then just leave or anything like that…fucking i dont think that but it seems like it alot of the time…so fucking show me something instead of just saying meaningless deflection lines…FUCK…loving you is fucking hard sometimes…you said i dig too deep and shit…youre god damn right i dig deep because i have to if i am ever going to get you to fucking open up to me again. remember you said you needed space that one time….im pretty sure i gave you plenty of fucking space like…a month or 2 and you just showed up acting like nothing ever happened….when is it my turn to be shown something? When? Why? What? Who? shit there are a lot of god damn questions

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So that’s apparently what I wrote….I woke up this morning at my desk. Sorry for the length and bulk and disorganized bit of that…but i figured i’d better just post what i wrote at the time . So…yeah…there’s that….Happy Halloween…sorry I said that late, but…HAPPY HALLOWEEN lol  

-King out