Let’s see if I can finish this without ranting.

Due to certain circumstances I decided that I would just type this damn response to her on here, and I shall try to not rant in it and keep it as true to my original intent as possible, hopefully I will succeed. And you all know I don’t really go back and edit shit like this I just fucking write, because that’s the most direct way I get my thoughts from mind to screen. So I’ll wish myself good luck and dive in.

Bitty,

Did you think I wouldn’t have a response to that tbh? You know I always have something to say. So top to bottom response time first. So, Johnny boy as my best friend? Nope, just a friend. Hell, that kid idolized me for awhile. From hockey to my confidence about everything, he looked up to me, but as proven he was always a little shit. He cowered away like a dog with his tail between his legs after I went off on him for that shit he was pulling. And Syd? She’s just an ungrateful bitch. That being said, I remember that. She said if anybody can make you feel better, it was me. I remember hugging you very clearly. You actually hugged me pretty tight for not knowing me at all lol. (Irrelevant who called you it first, you’re My Bitty/Ritz Bitz/Itty miss bitty/whatever else I end up calling you) Oh and you creeped on me? Jeeze, stalker. I’m pretty sure I started the conversation actually. I think I was checking to see how you were doing since you were upset that day. You know how I am. Ya know, honestly, I don’t know why I dated Kaiti. Spur of the moment thing or to show Johnny boy that I could take from him anything he thought he had easily. Kind of a dick move, but whatever lol. Yeah I had a spree there of ladies for some reason. And there was only one that stood out of those lol. I should’ve just asked you instead of you and sam. You know I just wanted to take you but I didn’t think you’d go for it unless your friend went too. Prom night lol. What did you all talk about in the bathroom? I’m curious. I remember you sitting in the hallway saying you didn’t feel well, which for the record I didn’t buy. You looked upset but not sickly. I also remember when we hung out at Sam’s and you tried on a blue dress, which for the record holy hell, you looked gorgeous in that lol. I liked the pink one too but the pink was a different kind of gorgeous…just saying. And I can’t count how many times I told her I wasn’t going to date her. I may not like/have liked Tyler but we were good friends at one point, plus she is/was always too much like AMber. I really wish you had just told me that night. By the way you owe me a dance.  The night of homecoming? What was going on at that time? The way ‘we’ acted? I remember that day very clearly. Courtney forced a lot if not all of that. She sat on my lap and kissed me. How did you not notice I pulled back whenever she tried to but she just kept coming lol. And after every kiss I would look at you because I definitely wanted you. It was super awkward for me while she was there. Then we headed to the horses, I got bucked off Leather to become "an official cowgirl" I remember I rode Cheyanne? Shiane? However the hell it’s spelled, but it was just that little warm up thing. You were laughing at me because I had a stupid ass grin on my face because I was enjoying riding lol I remember you leaning on the back of the front seat I was sitting in because you were tired and when Tiny tot mentioned us kissing you told her to shut up really fast, so I took that as you not wanting me to. But when we got back and you were laying down I fought the urge to kiss you but damn did I want to. THen Tommy boy. Ugh. Yeah you definitely fell hard And you’re damn right that I saw that. How many times did I mediate arguments between you and him? How many times did I cheer you up after he was a jackass to you or over something? But you kept me around for that reason? Really? You admitted to yourself you loved me? Whether you wanted to admit it or not? You never admit to loving me really. The Queen of Hearts necklace. Wow you remembered that? I’m sure there were many times I was about to. You know I had it in my pocket that day I hung out with you and Kyla and the pups. I never got a moment with you. I don’t think I even got a hug from you that day. Anyways, of course I was there to make sure you were ok when it all went to shit. Haven’t I always been? Even when I’ve hated you? When all that shit happened with your family, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I didn’t know what to say or do. I’ve never had to deal with something like that before. I was first, and the only person you would talk to? I thought you went to sam? I kept you together? How? I mean I tried my best, but I had no idea how to help if I really helped that much, I’m happy I managed to and am surprised by it too lol. THen that night I first stayed with Kyla. Fucking hell. Why did I pursue her? But I saw your face when you realized it was me. You froze. You tried to speak but didnt, I dont think you even smiled. I think your eyes watered a little bit too. You ended up texting me that night wanting to talk but I had my phone off. It certainly wouldve been awkward if you had punched me. All this Kyla stuff was over several different times. But I told you not to stand in the fire. Sorry I kinda threw you down when I saw your pants catch lol. When you curled up in my lap it took everything I had to continue that conversation and keep from really wrapping my arms around you. I remember one of Kyla’s dad’s friends or whatever saying you looked good right there with me (considering how you were upset earlier) I felt you discreetly and momentarily lean your head against me. Which I loved. The closest thing to having you truly in my arms and I couldnt even really hold you.I even remember that conversation, because it pissed me off. She was saying how girls only want jackasses and I was standing up for the dudes like me that refuse to treat their ladies like shit. Anyway back on topic, You know, well maybe you dont know, but I wish I could do so much more for you. I wish I could truly make you feel safe and protect you whenever you needed me. Damn I wish a lot when it comes to you. So you said yes to Jar jar binx to spite me for kyla? Seriously, out of rebellion you said yes to the jackass that stole you away from me for like eight months? Throughout that entire relationship of yours I was miserable. Tommy boy stole you for awhile and then how it went down with jar jar binx was just terrible. You don’t realize how that felt. And yet every holiday I sent a message and anytime you messaged me I swallowed my pride and helped or talked a bit. Why am I dumb, btw? Because I waited for the person I love to come back when I knew it wasnt going to last and was going to end badly? I’m not dumb I am just a fool. I simply fell for you. Sometimes I hate it, but at the same time, I know that I can’t help but do whatever I can for you when you turn to me. So I guess now I should tackle all that Tiny stuff. First things first, it was NOT your fault at all. When I wrote that on OD I was pissed off at you over something. Don’t dare believe that i

t was your fault. You hated me for good reason, but fact is I let my frustrations speak out of anger when I said that. Tiny wasnt you falt. It was just a tragic accident. That dog loved you and you loved him. You didnt kill your best friend. I can never take back that I said that, but I can try to assure you that it isn’t/wasnt your fault. I’m sorry I let my anger speak for me. I cant do anything about it now, but I wish I could. Youre not a fuck up. You didnt kill him. It was just a tragic accident. I don’t know what more I can say or do. I dont blame you for it and you shouldnt either. Honestly I hate the thought of you freaking out in your sleep and jackass of all people being the one waking you up and calming you down. Part of that is jealousy but partially guilt. I hate that I caused that. I remember when you turned to me. I went off because it had been months since you had talked to me and you came back when shit got bad for you. Made me feel like just a tool to/for you but of course I was ready to do what I could. Tray and say I dont know you again. I know when somethings up, I know when youre upset and shit. I may not know all the details of your past or shit but I can only know that shit from you and I dont need to know that stuff to know you for you. You did miss a lot, but you covered a lot too. But yeah, weve been at each others throats since the jar jar binx bullshit. You do know why I call him that right? Jar jar binx is known as the most hated and retarded characters in star wars. and let’s face it how smart can he be? He cheated on YOU. Sorry, but look at you lol. He has to be retarded. Yeah, you better love me and it is a rare thing indeed for you to admit it. Awww you talked all sweet about me. Im really happy to hear that stuff you know? You act like you dont care a lot, like if I am around or not so that makes me happy that you seem to not see your life without me in it, considering post jackass. You keep your feelings from me because youre evil and dont want me to know that I mean more to you than youll ever willingly admit. I’m yours? Whoa. You know damn well you have me and it is very hard at times to believe I have you. Especially when you tease my jealousy and always go after such fucking losers. You confuse the hell out of me a lot you know that? This tbh thing of yours. makes it seem like you really love me…like really …love..me. You didnt hesitate to say yes to tommy boy after I didnt kiss you and how courtney acted. You always refused to tell me your feelings because of someone else. Courtney, Kyla being aorund, then saying yes to jackass "out of rebellion" youve gone from hating me to loving me back to hating me and back to loving me again. It’s like everytime we are about to take a step or that something or someone gets in the way, and we are both too proud to do it ourselves. You don’t pursue dudes but you know I am like in love with you. I refuse to ask or whatever because I’ve always been straight up with you about how I love you and I want you to show more if we wever were to actually become more than what we are. Which I have no idea how to describe our relationship really is because whether you admit it or not, I’m sorta convinced that you love me a lot more than you show. Why else would you always come back from hating me or every argument. Granted that I am always ready and waiting. We don’t have titles or a title rather and I guess I cant say youre wrong. Relationships go one of two ways. So is it that I am so important to you that you dont want to risk it going south and losing me entirely? Or am I just not worth the risk of relationship and that’s to ease me a bit? Not to like undermine what you said I just think that at the right time, when things are good for both of us I think we’d probably be good together. And even if it ended poorly I dont think I’d ever be able to just give up on you. That being said I get where you are coming from. I’ve tried to get over you and/or just not care but I cant. I love you. I’m in love with you. I believe I am. I continue to fall for you again and again every day that I talk to you. Some days you piss me right off and I end up just not wanting to bother but you quickly pop back and remind me why I love you. You are many things. Beautiful, alluring, sweet when you want to be, mysterious at time, witty, and cunning as well. Mischeivious even. Funny, a good sense of humor, good taste in movies, decent taste in music. Loving in many ways and independent and stubborn as hell. It’s not just what you are that has me loving you. It’s also what youre not. Youre not like normal gals around here or anywhere for that matter. You’re not a slut for starters. A flirt maybe, but not a slut. You are one of the few people that truly grasp the concept of sex meaning something more than just physical attraction. There should be passion involved not just lust. I commend you for that. Don’t get me wrong, youre no slut, but you can work what you you got when you want to lol. Sorry, I couldnt not comment once on your physical allure. You are not overly clingy, controlling maybe but you admit when youre wrong and commit when you love someone. Not counting me. But as per usual I am the exception. To you I will always be the exception. You are not one to simply back down. You fight tooth and nail for things you believe in and when you do admit to being wrong you are pretty prideful with how you do it. You called me your best friend, your freak, your loser, your nerd, YOURS. You said I have the ability to have you have you forget the world and make you happy regardless of your mood. We’ve been through so damn much in a relatively short amount of time. We’ve been to hell and back with, for, and because of each other. You are truly my best friend, you know things that even my dude best friend doesnt know and I trusted you with my OD which you are a frequent topic. Negative or positive, because I have that much faith in you that no matter what I say about you or how pathetic I am at times you will be there. Maybe not always immediately but eventually you are. you are my geek, my brat, MY BITTY. You willl always be my bitty. I have my claim to you. I’ve got a spot in your heart that you try to ignore.Yeah I wonder how you feel about me and what I mean to you, but I am pretty confident that you love me much more than you will ever really show. Bitty I love you. I don’t know if I can try to deny or fight the love i have for you anymore. I am sorry for how I reacted tot he whole hanging out with jackass bit. My fear of losing you potentially the most important person in my life, speak for me. I was scared of losing you again babe. When you disappear from my life it gets bad for me. Soemtimes it feels like you give me a purpose. You always become my priority. If you are upset I am there. If you need me. I am there. If you are looking for support I am there. Sometimes I voice my opposition, but my actions prove my support. Then recent events….This new jackass. I know how things go. I watch this track and I know how things are going to go. I am not dumb. I do not like it. You always get involved with assholes that show they are assholes before hand, and you always jump into shit without even knowing the dudes. I don’t trust this jackass and he has proventhat he shouldnt, but I know that it is pointless and doesn’t matter. You are going to get involved with this loser and It just frustrates me that these shit people and losers and jackasses are preferred by you while royalty waits on your every beck and call. It’s just frustrating especially considering your tbh thing, and all the shit between us ya know? It’s just I don’t know what you really want when it comes to me. I vented a little bit to you earlier. I know that none of this really matters. I’m aware of that, but whatever right? I guess since I don’t know when I’ll get to see you, I can tell you what I got you for christmas and perhaps give you a choice, but that’s not getting written on here. And ya know, I know that none of this will ever get an actual response, but whatever.  What it all comes down to is that I am hopeless when it comes to you. I love you, and I admit it. You mean the world to me, and Idk what to do anymore.  I love you. Then there was the car accident. You didn’t want me to come? What the hell?  IDC what the situation is…you were in a car accident….and at a hospital…  You make me worry all the time…intentionally. sometimes. And you try to make me jealous and succeed. And fact is you will never know how it feels. Sometimes I feel like I should just give up on loving you, but I fail everytime I try. One of these days, I hope you just break down and stop the stupid shit and just spill EVERYTHING with out worrying about how it sounds, or what other people would say or think, or anything…even if it is just to me and I can’t repeat it. I want to know.  Sometimes I just don;t know what to do. You always reject me, but always leave some hope. "I do love you and care about you but right now we wouldn’t work even if we tried" I wouldnt ask you right now, because I know my life is all kinds of shit and I wouldnt be able to perform the duties of a bf, and you know how I am. If I can’t be what I should for a girl I wouldn’t want her stuck on me. But you leave that "right now"  I can’t tell if that’s just to keep me clinging to the chance of an us, or if thats you leaving it open because you want it some day or if it’s just nonsense. I just don’t know. I dont know so much when it comes to you, but I know I love you. Idk what else there is to say, but I love you.  Merry christmas.  Oh I could talk about that Queen of Hearts necklace, you know why I probably havent given it to you yet? Because that necklace is currently a symbol of the empty space of the person that will love me back and be my queen. That will be my everything and I hers. Atm You are my queen, but I am not your king. And that entire concept of finding my queen of hearts is based on that person seeing me as their king and having that faith and love for me that i give to them. You’re my queen but right now I am not your king. But I love you still.

Merry Christmas

That ended on a sad kinda note, but it’s intended to be majority happy shit.

I could write a lot more about other stuff, but Ill save that for later I suppose.