Le sigh

 Alright so…I guess I got quite a bit to say…or maybe not as much as it feels like. So let’s begin with the weekend.

Friday…Plans to go hang out with my friend for the weekend already established….ring ring ring….my sister calls. Guess what she wants me to do…She wants me to watch her kid on Saturday. Initially from 11-4 at the latest. Which was really supposed to be 11- whenever my father was done doing whatever he had to do….So…8-9 am I wake up and take care of the dogs…sister arrives around 9ish….leaves at like 10..so there’s the beginning. She drops him off an hour early. Then right as my father finishes doing whatever he had to do, and take over so I could leave….ring ring ring…sister calls…She won’t be here until 6….guess what…father has to leave pick up mother at work at about a quarter to 6, due to car issues as previously explained, So I have to stay and watch the kid until she shows up. And maybe 4 or 5 times of her calling and saying, I’m on my way. I’m headed there now. I’m about to leave. I’m coming etc etc….She doesn’t show up until after my parents return with food for me….I don’t get to my friends place until…9ish.  I initially was going to leave around 1-2. So basically half of my original weekend plans went up in smoke because my sibling doesn’t know how a clock works. Why did I agree you may ask?  Well, I was told that she was being paid like 2-300 dollars to drive some bitches around to wine tastings and shit…and I assumed, hey she’s getting paid maybe I’ll see some of what is owed me…NOPE. What did I get? 20 bucks…for that day alone. Which considering I basically threw away my plans for that day…is not a worthy compensation. Now I love the kid and all, but…cmon….there’s a reason I ask…what time and how long. So, I started my weekend off with a bunch of bullshit. 

Bright side, I had a good time at my friends house. And next weekend, I will be going over there to check out the PS4, since one of them preordered it. He wants to play the Destiny Beta in January. I get it, but nothing about the new consoles convinces me it’s worth a launch day purchase. 

Alright, away from that…Hunting for a job hardcore…because I have no faith whatsoever that I will see any of the money owed to me, or even a dime to help build my desktop. Whatever. I’ve applied to a few places that I don’t particularly want to work. Best Buy, Target, etc. I am dropping off an app in hopes of possibly being hired at GameStop. But I have a working interview on Wed. at a doggy day care. I reeeaaallly want it. I am confident in my ability, and I think that if they are still hiring, I will leave an impression. Honestly, I am just DYING to be back in a kennel environment….I missing having the pups. I know it sounds stupid, but being in a kennel is very therapeutic to me. I talked to those dogs about just about everything. Yeah, I’m a lil bit crazy, but some of those dogs know more about me than some of my close friends. And the sad thing is those dogs have done more for me than quite a few of my so called friends. I miss having them. I miss the reaction of the dogs when I would walk into the kennel. Like Ginny, she used to jump up and look over the divider at me…drop down, and grab her blanket and drag it into the back of the run to entice me to open the front gate. I always did and she always ran up to me and wrapped her paws around my neck and kissed me. I miss knowing that those dogs loved me back, and that they preferred me to the other half wits I had to work with. I’m confident but nervous. I want back in a kennel soooo bad. If I can’t be around the dogs, then I want to be around Tech or gaming. So wish me luck guys…hopefully I will be employed the next time I write an entry. 

Ummm, so this next part is just kind of frustration to me. So remember Amber? Remember how she just showed up randomly and told me how her hubby wanted to leave her and her kid and just party and shit? Well, did I tell you how he got addicted to drugs and shit? Like hard drugs. Meth and crack and shit. Well, remember how I comforted her and supported her and made her feel better and what not during that time? Well, she out of nowhere stopped bitching to me about it all. So curiosity got the better of me the other day and I checked up on her, and turns out…she’s back with the dumbass. A couple things with that…1. Why the fuck even message me at all when you know I fucking kinda hate you…and if you were just going to go right back to the asshole? 2. He quit on you and your son…3. he’s a drug addict. You want that around your kid? 4. You know he fucked around in that time frame. 5. What the fuck is wrong with you? and finally….who the fuck does that? Who the fuck leans on me of all people…when her husband decides he doesnt give a shit about you or your son, goes fucks around, gets addicted to shit, and makes your life hell, and makes you feel like shit….You called me fucking crying and anybody else would have told you to fuck off, after the shit you did to me. But, no, the good guy I am..I helped. I should have just told you to fuck off. That you weren’t worthy of my help or support or what have you. But, noooo….I just had to be the good guy. So add that to the tally of good shit I do that goes unappreciated. 

So, I think I have decided that if you don’t give a shit about me….get the fuck out of my life. I’m fucking done. I’m tired of it. I’m exhausted. I’ve poured sooo much of myself into these people I care(d) about…and none of them make an effort to really look and see that I have not been okay for a long time. If you want in my life….fucking make an effort to put yourself in my life. Because I don’t need any of you. If I want you around…well you better show that you want me around, because I’ve done enough to try and keep the people I want around…around. Some people it will be harder for me to just give up on, but fuck it. Im tired as hell about caring about people that dont give two flying shits about me and only use me to make them feel better. Or to be complimented or to boost their self esteem, or have me as a just in case something happens, he’ll be there. Fun fact….if you know I’ll be there when you need me….take the god damn hint and fucking appreciate me and don’t act like I am not a person. Guess what….just because I am confident in myself, and not needing anyone, and that I can handle whatever comes my way…doesn’t mean I don’t fucking hurt. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel. You want to have me around make an effort, and show me you give a shit. And don’t fucking give me this "I’m talking to you aren’t I?" Fucking just talking to someone isnt proof of caring. Just being around and responding…that doesnt show you care. Show you care by making a god damn effort. Don’t brush what I say off so much. Don’t ignore me, don’t hide from the conversations you dont wanna have with me. Nut the fuck up and face it all, and show me that I mean something to you. For some of you….I’ve waited quite some time for that much. 

And now onto one person in particular….I dont have a fucking clue what to say to you anymore. I’ve said so much, asked for so little, and here we are. All because you run from shit or hide from shit, or just refuse to fucking show any bit of honesty in reg

ards to how you feel. You’ve fucking blocked me out…ME….And you get mad at me when I say that it feels like you talk to me out of habit and not out of desire to talk to me? When was the last time you answered any of my serious questions honestly? When was the last time you didn’t ignore or brush off what I say? When was the last time you showed that I meant anything to you? I love you. I do. I admit it….but I’ve pulled far more than my fair share of trying to keep you around. Any form of relationship…friendship, intimate or not, family, work, every form of relations with people…takes 2. And I’ll be damned if this thing between me and you hasn’t felt pretty god damn one sided for a long ass time. Think about this for a second will you. I’ve loved you for how long? I’ve watched you fall for several guys over me. And I was there for you through it all. Do you think that felt good? Watching you love someone else. Fixing the problems you had because of them. And seeing them hurt you. You’ve meant soo much to me, and you don’t even realize it. It seems like you think I am just another guy in line for a chance at you, but I am not. I am above them. I am better than them. I have proven myself, and I have been there for you through so much more than any of them. And you don’t appreciate me. If you do….fucking prove it. Because I don’t see it. You seemingly expect me to fill in the blanks, well I am not psychic. I love you. But, if this is how this thing between us ends….then maybe I was wrong to. I don’t think I am/was wrong. Like I’ve said before I believe in this thing between us. I don’t want a relationship or anything at the moment, but I do want to feel like I matter to you at least. So…if this is where it ends….so be it. I did all I could.