I’m out of titles.

 I honestly have no clue what I am here to write about, but I feel like I should write one. It’s been a day or two…so here’s an entry.

E3 stuff…I could go into great detail, but I’m in an odd mood. PS4 vs XBONE….PS4 is the victor I believe. This is a big thing for me, cus I’ve always been a hardcore Xbox fan. The exclusives are better. However, a lot of games are not exclusives anymore, and with everything being considered, the PS4 is just better. So, I will probably be grabbing a PS4 instead of an xbox for the first time in a LOOONNNGG time. 

Played hockey the other night, and ooohhh shit was I on point. My glove was catching everything…the only times I got scored on were from passes across where my defender didnt pick up the guy on the back side or the rebound, or if they got on a serious rush 2-0 …I stopped almost every breakaway.  Unfortunately…I got hurt lol stopped a slapshot with my collar bone. Stopped another with my wrist in a spot that just makes any degree of lifting or opening/closing my hand painful. And twisted my knee reeeaaallly bad, it’s been swollen as hell, but all in all I feel great physically. 

Squirt is growing fast, and me and him are best buddies. Roxie is mad…of course, but still my Princess.  Ri-ri’s patience with Squirt is being tried. Squirt keeps going under the bed, but gets stuck…he doesn’t realize how big he is going to be/getting. 

Sad depressing honest time–

So tonight, again, I feel like shit. I’m lonely as hell.  I feel like I am losing my god damned mind. Some nights the loneliness hits me harder than others. On nights like this it hits me hard. Everybody has these nights at some point or another, but it’s not just these nights that are getting to me…. Every single second of every single day and every single night, there is a voice in the back of my head reminding me how I am unloved. How there is nobody thinking about me. How I know that as I lay in my bed late at night, miserable, knowing that if I vanished…there would be damn near no impact.  Obviously immediate family would be impacted, but beyond that…there would be no ripples. Everyone would pretty much continue without ever skipping a beat. And you know the kicker….anytime I try to talk about this shit feeling with someone….I get nothing in return..they just stop talking….or feed me a quick little bland, hearltess, meaningless saying like "things get better"  "there’s someone out there for you" or some fucking meaningless nothingness…that has no real heart in it…and then as soon as they finish saying it …they disappear…Never providing any real input. No help. And with that, the isolation and loneliness just gets stronger….and I get weaker. It constantly feels like it’s too much, that it is all bearing down on me…and that I’d be better off just letting it win. I’d be better off just giving up on this belief that it’s worth all the pain. Giving up on this ridiculous notion that actual love still exists. Just become another drone asshole and remove emotion from every situation. Why is it that I am constantly there for people, and ready to help them, but when I am about to break and give up, and need something, or someone….there’s nobody. I reach out for a hand to help me and I grip nothing but air and continue to fall, until I magically discover something within myself that tells me I can endure. I’ve been doing this for so god damn long that I don’t know if theirs anything left. I know I’ve said that alot, but that’s because it’s been dwindling for a long time. Every day…my faith and whatever it is inside me that finds the will…dwindles more and more. I find myself too proud. I feel the water build behind my eyes, and everytime right before I feel a tear coming, I find something in myself to hold it back. I just don’t know how much I have left. It feels like I’ve been fading with every waking moment. I’ve fought so hard to maintain faith in these beliefs that love exists, and it’s worth all the pain and what not, but with every passing moment there’s another reason to believe love is a joke. A tool…a made up emotion to justify not suffering any more. More and more I just don’t see the point anymore. And the sad thing is…in a day or two…I’ll probably scratch the bottom of the barrel and find a spec of something to keep trying. I want to give up. I genuinely and honestly want to give up, and just not give a rats ass, and stop believing in this shit…and just….have things easy for a change. I should just be an asshole to everyone until I convince myself that I really don’t give a fuck about anyone anymore. 

-sigh- 

I don’t know what more to say…I’m just ready to give up entirely.