Frustration.

As per usual, my entries consist of my ranting and venting my shit so that I can maintain some degree of sanity without losing my fucking mind. So here we get another entry of me just mostly venting…so feel free to ignore if you like.

So, I am seriously losing my mind. I am not ashamed to admit that I feel fucking weak as shit right now. I’m not dumb, my life is blatantly shitty lately and I know I deserve a lot better than this. I’ve sacrificed a fucking lot. My initial college plan went up in flames, because my sister got married right before I graduated, and my family had to pay for it themselves. When I say that I mean my immediate family, not the family as a whole (cousins/grandparents/uncles/aunts/etc etc) They had to pay for the entire thing. So, my initial plan for college got thrown out the window, so I said alright whatever I’ll make it work…try to make it work, contribute to the funds and what not by working on weekends, lose that job, and my audible for college gets thrown out the window. So I’m like okay, wait a little while, I’ll get another job that will be flexible with my schooling and then I will go back. Nope. Can’t get a job, because my mom’s car breaks down, so I essentially give her the car that I bought with my money since she needed it for her job, and I didn’t have a job at the time so it made sense. I ended up babysitting my nephew for awhile which I was promised money for and never received a dime…in fact I let her borrow what little money I had left over…and never got that back either…so really I lost money in that exchange. Some time passes, and I start watching my nephew again and my sister promises to pay me to compensate a bit for my not finding a job to watch her kid. Obviously money-wise it is significantly less. So I got paid for a few weeks ahead of time at the beginning of summer, and then watched the kid a bunch, and then I was supposed to get paid about 2-3 months ago. The Wednesday after I was done watching him for that span of time. Didn’t get paid, got told next week. Then next week, then next week….then next week…etc etc until last week where I said alright, I have some purchases coming up that I want to make…I gave dates for said purchases 2 weeks ago. And she said ok, I will give you money for this on monday…because I want GTAV (comes out tomorrow) Monday rolls up, I text her and say hey are you bringing the coin today? She ignores me all day. She’s texting my fam but ignoring me blatantly. And then she finally responds and feeds me some shit about Oh, first pay check I’ll pay you. I feel bad blah blah blah etc etc and how it’s been hard for her lately and what not. And I’m sorry, but I have trouble pitying her for her own god damn mistakes. And hard for her? Ummm….my parents give her money constantly. Hard? What emotional turmoil from you being too fucking blind to see your hubby was clearly a drug addict (I even said to my best friend I bet she’s marrying a druggy before the wedding ever happened)  It hasn’t been that hard for her at all. She’s full of shit if she thinks I buy that it’s been sooooo hard on her. Has it been hard with the kid? Oh wait, no because i basically have been raising him with how often I watch him and how I’m one of the few people willing to actually discipline the kid. So how? How the fuck has it been hard for her? She gets handed shit left and fucking right. She doesn’t know what real hard work is. She doesn’t know shit about sacrifice and managing priorities or anything like that. I’m not trying to be shitty here or anythign but…comparatively….I’m the better child. And I can support that with facts. And yet, here I am. Unappreciated and giving up a lot of my life over their shit and her shit. But, that’s beside the point. So, I’ve been patient and I’ve given plenty of heads up on shit, etc etc and when I want to spend the money that I have already earned…I get ignored and fed bullshit. So, I have to wait even longer to receive the money I have already earned. And you can say..oh she’s your sister, he’s your nephew, you shouldn’t charge her to watch the kid, or you should be patient or shit like that. Fuck you. This is the real world. I’ve been more than patient. I’ve sacrificed a real paying job in order to make sure she had me available to watch her kid. Which in turn delays my college, which delays my career, which just sets my entire life behind. Hell, I sacrificed my initial college plan so she could have the money to have her wedding (whether voluntary or not, My plan went up in smoke). So, sister? nephew? family? I don’t give a fuck. If anything she is indebted to me by a fuck load more than just roughly 200 dollars for a couple months of babysitting. 

And then, I get home and from my friends house and ran an idea by my parents. The concept of an allowance type deal. I do shit that I don’t already do, and get paid for it…since it is currently impractical for me to find a job at this time. Why? you may ask. Well, because the car that I basically gave my mother has some issues, so my father and mother are going to work in the same vehicle…which cramps the time frame of the mornings for them. So, if I were to find a job..I’d lose it quickly due to the fact that transport there is unreliable. So, anyway I make this suggestion, because quite frankly…I think I deserve something for all the shit I do around here and how much I have had to sacrifice to make things work for the family. I mean I don’t think it should be like alot for the shit I do, but I mean something would be nice. Especially considering I do all this shit and have to sit and watch them throw money at my sister. So, I run the idea by them, and I get this as a response "If we had the money we would do that" and Im just here like….if you had the money? Ummm….you have the money you are just giving it all to my sister who is yet to pay me for my labor, and handing everything to her. I get it she’s a parent and grandparents should help and what not….but…no youre not just helping her with the kid, you are just feeding her money because she asks for it. She doesn’t earn shit. She has been handed fucking everything. And here I am…I hate to get shit without helping pay for it or doing something to compensate ya know? I’ve always contributed to everything I have ever wanted. I’ve earned my shit. Even birthday gifts and shit…I used to do something to compensate for what I wanted. Always…while my sister never did anything. Not just birthdays..I mean birthday gifts are understandable, but nothing else. She has not contributed to ANYTHIGN she has received when it comes to my parents. Let’s just put this in perspective right quick. They paid for her wedding, reception, and a car…which she contributed NOTHING to. While here I am….contributing to my schooling. Bought 2 cars with my own money. One was supposed to be a fixer upper, but that went to shit, because my father is a lazy asshole who wouldn’t help me (I’m a fucking animal expert….not a mechanic..he works on helicopters…as a mechanic…) I essentially gave my mother the other car…which broke down.  I lost my job and took a break from schooling because I can’t contribute to the funding…and my sister was in the shit with her drug addict husband.  For fuck’s sake…my sister…bitched for weeks because she hadn’t gotten anything really for her birthday…she’s 25.

…I haven’t received a birthday gift…in 3-4 years. The last time I got close to a present was when I asked if I put up half of the price of a second tv/monitor so that I wouldn’t have to lug my tv back and forth from my apartment while I was going to school.  Guess what happened with that. Never happened. I do a bunch of  shit and I make sacrifices and I help and bust my ass because it’s well…quite frankly it;s just in my programming. And regardless of what I do, or if I contribute, or what have you…I get nada, while my sister gets shit handed to her. She bitches about her birthday until my family says OKAY LETS GO GET YOU SHIT. And I’m just here like…really? 4 fucking years of getting nothing, and always contributing to the things I want….and she rolls up whining like a fucking child over something so small…and she gets shit bought for her.. Umm…last year (21st birthday) was COMPLETELY forgotten and ignored. I had half a beer….and I hate beer. 

I’ve been trying to build my custom desktop for YEARS now. And all my progress is consistently thrown out the window when I’m called on to save the day because they need that money for something. So…I am yet to have my desktop. Some of you might say, well save the money my sister hasn’t paid me yet. Umm.. yeah see about that. I still may not get that money. And I have no steady degree of income, so at least I can spend it on something to keep me busy to maintain my sanity until something finally goes my way. 

Then, there’s the loneliness and depression. I go to my friends house and on the way there he talks to me about how his gf/ex gf is being weird. They’re not officially together or whatever, but they’ve been together pretty much 7 years. They go through phases like this and usually end up together again. But see…he says to me…"I’m really depressed"…depressed? You’re depressed? Because you are having a little tiff with your lady? You are almost done with your college schooling. You haven’t actually worked a real job in your life. You’ve been handed a LOT. You’re depressed? Umm…you’re having a tiff with your lady…yeah that sucks I get that makes you sad…but depressed…no no no NO. That’s not depressed. My schooling isn’t even close to a priority to my family. Your parents paid for your schooling, your rent, your car…essentially everything. I’ve had to contribute to everything and bust my ass for everything…and it all got thrown away because of my sibling. You’ve never really busted your ass on anything. Anything laborious your father did. Your girlfriend of several years is being a little weird….Dude…ever hear the saying "It’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all" She loves(d…depending on the situation, Im not inside her head) you for all that time you and her were together. My love life? Hmm…let’s take a look at my love life. I give my all to the girls I care about enough to date. And in return I am cheated on….every time. I had one of them fake her god damn death by having her brother tell me that she had died…instead of just fucking telling me she was moving away. I consistently am used as a vending machine of cheering people up and good feelings for them. You’re having a lil fight/disagreement with her. That’s not depressed. Depressed….is seeing everything you work for and believe in meaning jack shit and amounting to NOTHING. Depressed…is watching and knowing your family values your older sibling more than you regardless of the fact that you are soooo much better and actually contribute and do shit that normally people would be proud of. I am talented. I am damn good at whatever I put effort into. My sister’s talent is getting baby fed every god damn thing. Depressed is laying in bed late at night unable to sleep because you know that there’s nobody that is even interested in you romantically. Who would be? An unemployed 21 year old nerd living with his parents, not going to college, no sign of my schooling or employment looking up anytime soon. Who would want that. Depressed as hell, tired of everything, losing faith in the things he believes in. Who would want to deal with that? And then on top of that I have to deal with snide lil comments from my parents like "He needs a girlfriend before that" ….How the fuck am I supposed to find somebody worth a damn….if I am so clearly not what anybody wants around here? Better yet how am I supposed to do that, when I can;t go out at all because I have no money, no vehicle, no license, nothing…I have nothing that makes me a desired boyfriend. And let’s put the icing on the cake..I hear about the shit going on at my old job, and how clients are getting pissed off and them losing the clients’ business….and here I am thinking about all the dogs I bonded with there…the cats I bonded with there…Hell, the god damn parakeet I bonded with there. And I am worried sick about them, and I will probably never see them again. The unemployment…makes me feel even more useless. I feel like I do nothing. So, Depressed? Seriously? No you are sad. You are my best friend…and youre saying youre depressed? No your little minor sadness…is NOTHING compared to depression, let alone my depression. So sorry if I don’t pity your lil nonsense. 

Seriously, I just want to drink myself into unconsciousness right now. I just want a little bit of time out of my head. I want just some time to be ok. To feel like I actually matter or mean something. I’d even be satisfied working a kennel for a little bit. Those damn dogs do so much more for me than anybody realizes. I’m just…exhausted. I keep feeling like I have got nothing left, and then I manage to just brush it off or bury it again, until I have another moment of weakness and crack a little more. I’m stuck and I just don’t know how to make it change or to get out or to feel better. I just …i don’t think I can find the words to appropriately describe this. I just got nothing lol . So…I guess that’s all I have to say about that. (I wonder if any of you will recognize that tiny reference lol) 

Other things other than my gut wrenching depression….

Fantasy football. My main team is now 2-0 after a ridiculous comeback. I was down after all his players had played by like over 40 points and I only had 1 running back and my defense left to play. was like 60-103. Last game starts while my friend and I and his fam watch night of champions (again wrestling fan…dont like it? fuck off lol) I follow the game on my phone. Delayed due to weather.  Game starts I follow it every now and then. I am catching up slowly. Look away to watch Breaking Bad look back as I take the lead, but I could still lose points should my defense let by too many points. They didn’t I kept the lead and just got more points. My defense earned me an amazing 22 points….from a defense. My kicker….14 points…amazing. Better yet BEAST MODE MARSHAWN LYNCH brings me 31 points. Woooo. Ohhhh yeah. Pretty sure that brings me to first place in my league. Awww yeah. 

Umm writing that long elaboration or whatever to B….idk if she read it or not. Kinda think she saw it was long as fuck and just said nope or later or something. But that’s whatever. I am pretty sure i took too many steps backwards in writing and sending that to her. I can just feel i

t you know. So…I may just disappear for a little while to rebuild and regain some of that immunity I had built up. 

Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time…finally beat that bitch ass Bongo Bongo, and then flew through the spirit temple…just gotta go in through the castle and beat the final boss. 

Alright Idk I probably missed some shit. But I just dont care right now. I wish I had alcohol tonight. I’d love to just get fucking hammered. 

Deuces bitches.