Because I am having an off couple of days lately.

 MORE OF ME VENTING ABOUT MY PERSONAL SHIT. Shocker, right? Because I just know how you all LOVE to read about how depressed and shit I am. What can I say, I know what my readers like. I’m fucking with you guys. I’m sorry that I am writing and ranting about my sad ass shit and I genuinely wish I could provide more positive shit for you to read from me. Eventually I’ll have something to make you all smile and shit, but for now you are stuck with my emo ramblings and rages and what have you. Sorry, but this entire concept of having this thing is to benefit myself, and maybe help a person out here or there.  So you get to read about my shit, if you read that is. If you don’t then whatevs. 

Where should I begin today? 

I should note that a lot of this stems from my previous entry so, this entry is a bit of a continuation. I will try to sort of keep it in the same sort of order. 

As far as my family shit goes, it’s still the same. I bust my ass, sacrifice my shit, and all this other shit for family and I am patient, and more than reasonable about every little thing. I am flexible with the things that I want to do. I am patient with their shit. I am just ya know…give whatever I can for them…and considering I can’t fucking stand my father, and my sister takes after him….that says something. And considering I am just sitting by and watching them throw money at my sister, and listening to my sister feed me bullshit and I am still being patient and kind and all that nonsense…and looking at how much I’ve sacrificed and the time frames and what have you…More and more I’m convinced my future looks bleak as fuck. School? Not likely any time soon. Car? Not likely any time soon. A real job? Unlikely, because of the car situation. Finding a girl worth a damn when I have jack shit going for me? Hahaha, around here? You find a girl around here that would want to be with an unlicensed, no vehicle, unemployed, and no college dude…then you’ve found someone that’s completely full of shit. People are too god damn caught up in shit like that to pay any attention any real aspect of what a relationship should be. So, the more time passes the more it looks like I’m just going to be stuck being god damn miserable for even longer. You all know me from reading my entries and shit …I like to think of myself as a bit of an optimist. I like to believe that no amount of bad shit can last for tooo long…and that inevitably things will get better. More time passes and the less faith in that I have. Just…fucking hell this shit is exhausting. I have no god damn clue how much I got left in me. I always tell myself that I got plenty left, I’ll always find more, I’ll always find something to convince me that there’s something worthwhile. And more and more I am just not finding anything. I don’t see anything really worthwhile. I see no real doors or opportunities for this shit to change. It fucking sucks. 

Then I go to a friends for the weekend, watch UFC and Breaking Bad and chill. Same friend that’s all depressed over his lady troubles. And I’m just like yeah dude, it sucks…blah blah blah…Insert my advice and what have you…all the while he’s like I’m depressed. I do nothing, but school, and blah blah blah etc etc etc…And in my head I’m just like…you’ve gotta be kidding me. You’re depressed because you have lady issues? And don’t do much of anything? ….Fun fact…if you are having lady troubles like the troubles he’s having…atleast it means that the lady at least gave a shit at some point. You do nothing?  You are on your last year of schooling for the career you’ve always wanted and your parents paid for all of it. My schooling got shot out the window because I couldn’t contribute to it anymore. You don’t do anything?  Like what? Go places? Hang out with people? You can’t spend time in an apartment alone? Umm…dude I don’t do  shit, besides all the shit I do for my family which consists of me doing shit around the house. Which is no change of setting. You don’t know shit about being depressed. Sorry, I love my best friend but his whining about being depressed because of girl issues…I’m sorry but I can’t pity him when my shit is sooooo much worse, and I dont bitch about it like he is. Obviously I’m bitching about it here, but my bitching here is me venting after a shit ton of stuff piles up. He has 1 issue. An easily solvable issue and he gets handed a bunch of shit, while I have to bust my ass for every single inch I get and than I get to have what I manage to get taken away from me and I have to work at it all again. It’s just frustrating how he’s whining about his shit with his lady friend, and I’m sitting here like…dude you know my situation…you think I’m happy as fuck to have such a shitty ass situation that I have to face completely on my own? Yeah, I am just fucking ecstatic. And, before I leave he says to me his plans for the week and how he might hang out with some other chick he met at school…and I respond with ‘nice’ but really im thinking…seriously…youre claiming to depressed and shit over your lady and then you are considering hanging out with the thought of potential being there with some chick…while im just sitting here like…you know my relationship history…and how i havent had a relationship in how long? Let alone a relationship where the other person actually gives two shits about me….and you might hang out with some chick…fuck that. You don’t know depression. You just want me to feel bad for you and shit, when I refuse to feel bad for him when he has a very minor reason for being so "depressed" especially in comparison to my shit. 

Alright so the next thing on my list. B. So, you all probably think poorly of her or are tired of hearing about her or what have you whatever. But trust me, she’s not as bad as I think I make her out to seem. If that makes sense. You have to understand that I post more of my frustrations with her on here than I do the good shit between me and her. So she tends to seem worse than what she really is. Sorry about that, but this is where I go to vent and rant and shit. But, we have been pretty good lately. But she still frustrates teh hell out of me sometimes. She said she read that long elaboration thing, but I find that hard to believe. She had no reaction to it. And asked me about things I wrote about in it very shortly after. Not like referencing the part of what I wrote, but asking about events that I noted in the long elaboration and what not. Which she brought up in an odd way. Out of nowhere she said "thanks for saving my life that night" referring to when she stood in a bon fire basically and had her pant leg catch on fire. I threw her on the ground and patted it out. Joked with her about it a bit and then she ended up asking me about the memories from that series of events, which I had specifically noted in said elaboration. So, I don’t know if I believe her when she says she read it. Idk.  

And then still on B, something is different. Something is wrong, or amiss, or up…just something. Idk what it is, Idk how to explain how I know something’s up necessarily, but my gut says something is….different with her. A couple days ago, K got busted (due to some intervention of involved parties lol [not me]) and in that series of K g

etting busted, B told me about how one of these dudes that K was toying with started to like B, and then K swayed him away from her or something, and shortly after saying that (also having found out that K spread a big secret to people) B said that she hated her, but it was most immediately after she told me about the dude that started to like her being swayed the away by K. We talked more a bit through her involvement with K getting caught, and then the next day my gut just says somethings off. I ask her whats wrong she says nothing shes fine blah blah blah, so I’m like ok, you may be fine but something is different. And she answered in bland responses that really didn’t say shit. So, that confirmed to me that something was…off. Barely talked the last few days, which makes me think something is definitely up. I mean lately we’ve ended up talking until one of us goes to sleep, and say good night and what have you, but we havent in the last few days and she has just not been really talking. So, my guess as to what is going on is that, it’s a dude. I think it’s the dude I was referring to previously. Only a dude gets her to stop talking to me like this. So, I think the dude that was swayed away is pursuing her, and she probably started to like him at some point so they are probably gonna hook up or some shit, after the K shit is through, which speaks mounds about the dude, but I refuse to comment on that. So, she probably didn’t read that long shit I sent her, and she is probably getting back in the game with this dude. Which, for me means…helping her deal with that shit, and her not really talking to me unless somethings up btw her and whatever dude she gets involved with. Now, understand something…I’ve loved this girl for a long time. It’s just been a constant thing. I can say and try to just be immune to her, but I’ll always end up caring about her too much. No matter what shit I have going on, I will always put her first. The kinda fucked up bit, is she sent me a meme kinda joking around that had a pic of a chick and said "Friendzones you. Gets mad when she sees you with another girl"  That’s her. That is basically her. Friendzoned me hard core. And then the times I’ve shown interest in a gal, or it’s looked like something was going on between me and a gal, she gets upset or asks in that way…that way-ey way that is like  "so you and her huh?"  Ya know what I mean? So yeah that sucks, because she teases the potential of something between us and then any time it seems like we are good again, some jackass pops up out of nowhere and steals all her attention and I just end up sitting and waiting to help with the drama between them, and inevitably pick up the pieces when he rolls out. And you know it kinda sucks…because I’m the one person that consistently proves myself to her, and she always looks elsewhere. Allow me to quote her.

Awhile back she was really down and low and had a lot of shit going on and was trying to just not talk to me again and ya know…just lots of shit was going on. I asked a question to which she answered (mid rant)

"I distance myself from you because I’m not going to get attached to you like I used to be. I don’t want that over my head. The constant worry of what I’m going to lose next. Everything that kept me going in life is gone so I have nothing left to lose. There’s nothing left to take from me, so why try?. And why are you different? You’re different because you’ve been the only guy to put up with me. My constant mood swings, and my hot headed-ness to ignoring you completely. No1 has been able to put up with me. They think they can and try to because they think I’m pretty or they love me and all this bullshit but they can’t" 

At least she knew at some point that I was different. If I could reply to that shit now…Not going to get attached to me? You were attached to me?  You didn’t want it over your head that you might lose me? -looks around- Umm…here I am. And after a whole lot more worse shit than what was going on at that time. Nothing left to take from you? …what about me? 

It seems from when she said that that at least I kind of proved myself that I am different from the douchebags she always goes with. and she at least sort of acknowledged it.  So, I think she’s probably found some random dude out of the wood work or something, because she will not tell me what it is that is going on, but something is different. I know my instincts and I trust my gut…and her reactions to things and how she’s been behaving…something is off. She won’t tell me directly, so I’m left to assume what the details give me, and that’s that she’s got a dude interest or something like that. Which sucks sooo much ass for me, because I pretty much demolished what immunity and defenses towards her I had built up in writing that long elaboration that I don’t think she even read. So where she’s concerned…I’m weak right now. And while I don’t want to, I may have to vanish here for a while. By destroying those walls, and with all of my personal shit, I don’t think I can deal with watching her walk away from me AGAIN for some dude that I will inevitably end up helping her fix things with or helping her get over. So, I may have to be gone for a little while (but if I am right about my suspicions it probably won’t make much of a difference). I care about her too god damned much. At this rate I am starting to believe I shouldn’t let myself care about people. So, I will probably be rebuilding that shit soon. It sucks caring about people. Especially when you are like me. 

Other news

Fantasy…wow my team played like shit. I had 2 players on my bench that racked up 20 points each, while the people I played reeaallly shat the bed. The score to this weeks game is 83-61 and he has one more player to play tomorrow (or tonight) night. I should hopefully still win (knock on wood) but damn my team and his underperformed, hell most teams in this league played underperforming players. I’ll make an edit later about that. 

Alright…Idk what else there is to say so…I’m going to go be an insomniac and be bored out of my fucking mind. 

Toodles.