Interesting…

I find it interesting how, whenever I go to Facebook and think about updating my Status, I come up with how I’m REALLY feeling…lately, that’s not the kind of thing I want to post up there. FB is for staying connected (in my mind), not for letting everyone in on my struggles with Depression.

So. Right now. I’m out of bed, and the day looks Glorious – my daughter is in a good mood – and I’m hating being out of bed. 🙁 I can’t stand this damn disease. I want to be in bed with my covers over my head. I want all the windowshades closed. I want the house cleaned around me. I want to be brought food in bed. I want to be left alone. The disease wants all of this – the "Self" hiding inside wants to go outside and RUN with my daughter in the beautiful weather – cuddle with my kitties – cook all sorts of yummmy healthy food – read books out at the park sitting in the sun, hike the letterboxing trails, go away for the weekend with my husband, take my Mom out to lunch, work on my house, Paint, Fix, Redo both bathrooms…

…and I want NOT to constantly be fighting my own mind all day, every day…I don’t really remember a lot of how my mind worked before the depression kicked in (’85-86), but I don’t think I constantly was terrified of making the "wrong" decision – when it came to "What shirt do I wear today" or "What mug do I have my tea in" , etc.

I like this quote from Nathaniel Hawthorne, who I never realized suffered from Depression until I was an adult with the disease:

I have secluded myself
from society;
and yet I never meant
any such thing.
I have made a captive of myself
and put me into a dungeon,
and now I cannot find the key
to let myself out.

NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE