To Perform or Be Transformed?

So, for the last several weeks this question has been rolling around in my mind. It first came up at church in between worship songs. Our worship pastor brought this question to light to all of us for us to ponder. In our everyday lives we’re so consumed with doing our daily duties/tasks trying to check off the boxes that we manage to forget to slow down and take a moment to breathe. We forget to take a “seat” at the table to spend time with our Father.

I know this all too well because I’m so busy with making sure everything gets handled in a timely manner. I can admit it.  I’m a bit of a control freak and can’t let go and have someone else take over.  I’m not the best Christian, but I do try to lead a better life like Jesus. I worship once a week and serve once a week with the pre-school kids.  I make sure I tithe to the Lord and help volunteer where I can. But at the end of the day, I’m still a sinner and not the greatest about reading my bible.  And don’t quiz me on the bible as I will embarrass myself….it’s a shame I could spit out movie trivia faster than scripture from the bible.  But I’m trying….I’m trying to “transform” and be more present with Him. I know there’s joy in that…just need to connect.

One of the biggest battles I face within myself is people pleasing. I’ve had many discussions about this with my husband. I care too much about what others think of me and he’s the complete opposite. I envy him a bit because I can’t be that way no matter how hard I try. I want so bad to make everyone happy when I know deep down it will never happen.  At times I find myself anxious and stressed out because I can’t fix a particular situation.  I’ve dealt with this a good bit in my twenties trying to help tame my younger sister that was wild and driving my mother nuts. I’ve even had to deal with recently trying to resolve working relationships with two co-workers that couldn’t get along. I’m an assistant office manager and told my office manager that there are moments I feel like I’m not a good leader….because I tank when it comes to reprimanding personnel. I know if anyone should choose to read this may think…..”this girl needs to get her life together and get over herself”.  And I would fully agree with you. It’s just so hard to let go. Be free. And breathe.

This past Wednesday the pastor spoke about legacies. He started off with “If you were to pass away today, What would your legacy be? And what would others say about you and how you lived your life?” Quite the deep question to start the sermon off with. I mean I feel like we all took a deep sigh and thought on how we would respond. I mean I’m still struggling with how I would answer this question. I’ve done no special things thus far in my life. I haven’t cured cancer, nor won a nobel prize, or even sailed around the world. But I can say I’ve always tried to be respectful to others, be kind, help others in need, be a friend with a good listening ear, and finally be a faithful servant to the Lord. I hope this is truly what others see of me. Course I know I’m not perfect. As I stated earlier, I’m a sinner and my mouth can get away from me at times. It’s a struggle.

So where am I going with this long-winded entry of mine? I guess I just want to be present in this moment. I don’t want to have any worries, anxiety, or stress. I want to let go and be free. I want to transform and let Him take my struggles. As my pastor stated, I am willing to do what I know how to do in life and watch and see God do what only God can do.