[[87]] akdjflksafjd.

i am soo confused about everything.

zach and i are basically dating but i refuse to make that final commitment and say we are actually in a relationship. it’s no longer because of bowling alley guy. i found out that B.A.G has a complicated relationship thing going on, and he was dumb enough to call me when he knew i was with zach. so. yeah. i quit. if you are 26, have your own house and all that good stuff, you should know that waiting 3 weeks to call a girl and then doing so when you know damn well she is with another guy is really stupid.

anyway, there is a lot holding me back. shallow as it may be, his weight bothers me (although i try not to let it). he knows he’s a big guy…but he seems comfortable with it. also, i’m not the slightest bit ready to give myself up into another relationship so soon after my first real commitment. mind you, one that left me feeling so incredibly broken and betrayed, that i still can’t sleep some nights. and even when i do sleep, i dream about my ex. at moments during the day he consumes my thoughts. when i’m with zach…being intimate…i think about him. i can’t possibly make a commitment to zach when my heart is still broken, still loving someone else. that’s not fair, right?

so i have all of this. plus school. plus my mom being stupid about me not wanting to pursue anything with B.A.G anymore. she apparently thinks it’s dumb of me to not want to because he waited so long to call and i’m involved with someone else. i know she just wants what’s best for me, but isn’t what’s best for me kind of my decision? maybe i’m just being stubborn and a little to autonomous, but i feel like i’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions, especially ones that concern my heart. i let people push me into dating my ex, and while i did ultimately decided to be with him, it would have never crossed my mind if people hadn’t have put the thoughts in my head.

okay, this entry is far to rambly. i’m done now.