[[83]] hanging on by a thread.

fredi showed up at my door today. apparently he called my cell phone but since it’s broken and i’m waiting for a new one, i couldn’t exactly answer.

anyway, we stood outside for quite a while talking. basically he told me that he knows he messed up and he’s sorry and he misses me and loves me and blah blah blah. i told him that i don’t know what i’m supposed to do because if i were to go back, my whole family and friends circly will be completely dissapointed and what’s to say that he’s not going to do the same thing again. i told him that i deserved better than what he did to me.

i could tell that he was sober. i could also tell that he was really hurt. but seriously, i can’t go back. i can’t. i need someone who can provide for me. he barely provides for himself. i need someone who has the same goals and morals that i do, and he does not.

i told him that i do love him and that i need to think for a while. then i hugged him and cried and he left.

he gave me a cd of some songs he wrote. they are beautiful, as all his songs are, but it doesn’t change that my heart is broken and it certainly doesn’t change the way things ended.

my cousin amanda has deserted our family so that she can be with a boyfriend who abuses her. i am not leaving my family for a boyfriend that doesn’t give me what i deserve, my family has had enough heartache i think.

supportive notes appreciated.