[[101]] on mothers and my future.

there have been quite a few things on my mind lately, perhaps the most important is my future. i’ve been mulling over the fact that i want to be engaged to zachary within the next two years, and we want to be married within the next four years. so by the time i’m 24, i want to be starting my family.

zachary and i have talked about our future in length, and we both want to have children young. my mother was 37 when she had me, and his mother was only 20 when she had him, that has produced quite a different childhood for each of us. for me, i don’t want to do what my mom did, because it has caused a lot of hardship for her. she’s 55 now, and she still works full time, and i’m only a sophomore in college. she has at least 2 more years until i graduate and move out. at the same time, zachary’s mother was young. she was a big partier at the time and zachary dealt with a lot of addiction with both of his parents (i’ve only dealt with my dad’s alcoholism), and zachary himself had some rough high school years where he was doing every drug under the sun.

the point is, that i want to be a good parent, and so does zachary. neither of our parents breastfed, but i want to. not because i believe it’s any better than formula or that my kids will be smarter or anything (because my mom formula fed me and i turned out just fine), but because i think that it will create a bond between me and my child, and obviously, that’s what my boobs are there for. i dunno, i had a dream about bfing the other night and it was a very comforting dream. of course, i had quadruplets in the dream…which wasn’t so comforting.

the other thing is, i don’t want to be the kind of mother that my mom is. i mean, besides financially supporting me and providing me with a home and food to eat…i’m really not close to her. i want my children to be close to me, not so close that they can’t live without me, but close enough so they know that i am there no matter what happens. i don’t feel my mother is like that. if i try and talk to her about things, she makes it seem like my problems are all my fault, and while some of them are…most of them are because my mother never taught me to believe in a higher power (hence my agnosticism), she never gave me any insight to the values and morals i should hold (hence my underage drinking and rather rambunctious sex life), and i really don’t think she instilled in me the opinions which she herself carries. therefore, i am not what she expected. i have my own opinions and my own unique goals. i have bigger dreams that what she wants me to have and i feel like she thinks i will never achieve them. i do not want my future children to deal with that.

anyway, when i think about the future these days, it’s a good feeling. i see myself in a big yellow house down in texas, with zachary by my side and two children. a boy and a girl. holden zachary, and tzipora alizabeth respectively. i see a large piece of property and me in a house dress and pearls. that’s the life i want.