Anxiety
I am feeling anxious. I wish I had some Valium.
I just found out that the my son’s Cub Scout group has already started having meetings. I did not get an e-mail about when and where the meetings were to start. For some reason this is really bothering me. A couple of weeks ago his den leader assistant sent out an e-mail that she was leaving with the den leader to another pack and that meetings would resume for the year starting this week. When I did not receive a pack e-mail with any information, I e-mailed the Cubmaster as suggested by the now ex-den leader assistant, he said my son’s den is meeting on Monday’s. I e-mailed the other parents of the den to let them know and one of the replied that they already know and went to a meeting last week. How did that parent know and I did not? It is silly to let this bother me but for some reason it is feeding my anxiety.
I also have been looking at foreclosed homes again. I found a house that is within my price range that is really close to my son without moving too close to his mom. Though, I am not too crazy about the city. The house is really cheap but has foundation issues. I asked my realtor friend Bryan to see what kind of information he could pull up. He said that house sold for $168k three years ago and that there were two previous attempts to purchase the house that fell through. The house is now listed for $68k. My friend Bryan speculates that with that type of price drop that the foundation issue must be really major. I am hoping that any issues are minor and that buyers are being scared off by just seeing the phrase "Foundation settlement" on the disclosure form. We are going to take a look at the house anyway. My friend also mentioned that with that type of issue I may have to pay cash or pay for the repairs. I do not understand how that works. Why would I pay for a repair on a house that I do not own? I will discuss that when I see him next. But, this also has me anxious.
As of the present, I do not have a rent payment. My mom lets me live in her house (she lives in another house). The house is paid for. She pays the taxes and all she asks is that I help pay for the lawn service that comes out. So, I have been saving money in a savings account and my retirement account. I have also spent some money with a few trips to Chicago and a few trips to the Caribbean. I do not think I would have been able to afford these trips had I had to pay rent or a mortgage. Yet, here I am looking to get into a mortgage. I won’t have the financial freedom that I have now. That is a very scary prospect. I saw this commercial where new parents were excited about a plan to help save $10k for college or other venture by the time their newborns turn 18. Because of my current situation, I have been able to save that amount for him and he is now 8. I don’t want all that money to get eaten up by closing costs.
Another thing that has been eating me up is my lack of a girlfriend. I get lonely. I lay on the couch staring at the ceiling asking myself how much longer can I stand this lonliness. I have been trying to change my habits and behavior in hopes that I will find the path to a girlfriend. I am now growing out my hair. Usually, I maintain a military style hair cut. I started going to a church. I hate going to church. It is a Unitarian church so it is not very religious and in fact the church has an athiest minister give a sermon. That was pretty cool I must admit. It is the social aspect of church that makes me sick with anxiety. I find it so hard to socialize with strangers. I do not know how much longer I can keep going. Though I did not go these past 3 Sundays, I will probably go this coming Sunday. I have also started jogging typically in the mornings. A co-worker called wanting a jogging partner so I said yes. I am way out of shape so she leaves me behind but she still likes having me in the area. I think it motivates her to have a witness of her trying to stay in shape. I do not how long I want to keep going with the jogging but I know I need to.
I have also been avoiding Bonnie or at least not making any attempt to contact her. I miss her. But, I want our relationship to change. I do not want her to see me as a friends-only guy. I do not really want her as a girlfriend and me her boyfriend. For a lack of a better term, I want a friends with benefits relationship with her. The last we talked was about two weeks ago. She did try calling me a few days ago but I had her calls set to go straight to voicemail. She did not leave a message or attempt to call back.