Mind vs. Body

I am anxiously awaiting a search feature for the site because I am still searching for my old friends. I have often wondered if there is anyone searching for me, too. We all sit and refresh the main page every so often waiting, just hoping, to find someone we know. In the mean time, I have been having great fun meeting new friends and reading new diarists. You’ve all been so spectacular.

Today was one of those days where you cannot wait to be home. I didn’t feel well and I was so grateful to only have to work half a day. I came home after a nurses meeting and went directly to bed. Aidan stayed home from school today with sinus pain, low-grade fever, nausea, and a sore throat. I am pretty sure he has a virus but I am in the office tomorrow so I am going to swab and test him for a few things. His immune system is like a steel trap but every once in a while he picks up a little bug. Emma is always sick so I’m anticipating her symptoms any day now. Ed went to some meeting tonight for some committee he is a part of and is now complaining of joint pain. I wish I could do more for him but I am not feeling well myself. I recommended the usual RICE method (rest, ice, compression, elevation) and told him to go to bed. I am not far from bed myself.

My labs are still a mess since I had a hysterectomy. It’s been two months to the day since I had my ovaries and everything else taken. I have had some swelling in one of the lymph nodes in my groin and have been taking pain medication for that but it hasn’t helped. As a nurse I know that pain meds wont cure the underlying reason but we cannot seem to come up with any reason. I’ve had labs, ultrasounds, and everything but a biopsy. I’m probably going to have to have another PET scan but my doctor suggested a short course of oral chemo so we’ll see how that goes. I want to avoid it but I know it may not be possible.

I’m still feeling extremely fatigued since surgery and coupled with the rapid weight loss this year, I sometimes feel as if I’m only a few days shy of a breakdown. I told Ed that I want to seriously discuss not working as much. I am in the busiest part of my semester right now and that will be over in about two weeks so I am hoping that maybe I can “catch up” somehow. As I enter the next semester which will run over the summer months, I think I might want to cut back on my hours and try to rest. I have a year left with all of this and then I will go to NP school. Lately I have really felt this drain on my psyche and wonder if maybe the universe is saying be happy as an RN and just stay there, don’t move on. Intellectually, I know I need to keep going because I  neeeeed that stimulation. Emotionally, I feel this tug that only further fuels my drive to be and do more. Physically, I could quit tomorrow and die happy.

At what point do we call it a day?
At what point do I give up and say, “Okay, body. You win.”
At what point do I resign to not fulfilling my dreams?

I feel as if there is a war waging between my mind and my body. Ed has been telling me to read 26 Matthew in the Bible. “…the spirit is strong but the flesh is weak” (Matthew 26:41) though that refers a lot to temptations. He says it is applicable because I am so tempted to push and push and push myself but I don’t know. I just wish I could be all that I know I could be except without the added challenge of fighting against myself.

I only have to get through the next two days. I work all day tomorrow and have a shift at the hospital on Saturday. After that I have two days off before I go back to it all. I told Ed I might just sleep entirely through Sunday. I told him to wake me for church and then I’d go right back to bed. I can’t even tell you how tempted I am to take one of the Trazodone tablets I have prescribed to me for sleep problems. If I take it now, at 9pm, I know it will be at least noon tomorrow before I feel as if the “fog” has been lifted from the medication. It has a lasting effect on me. I am a slow metabolizer of it for sure.

Anyway, this entry was pretty dull. I long for the days when I had something poetically beautiful to write that would inspire lots of thought and commentary from others. I miss when the comments alone could fuel much discussion among my readers.

Someday, I’m sure, we will all be back to our perfect selves. Until then, let’s all dream beautiful dreams and enjoy what we can do while it’s still able to be done.

Much love to you all.
xoxo

M