still as a stone

i am already skipping school in the second week of this semester

i have been the biggest sloth lately

the day after i said i wasn’t going to smoke as much kyle made a weed milkshake thing

and we thought it would be less intense than smoking a bowl or something

but it was the highest i’ve ever been, ever

like sensory overload kind of thing

and i was home alone which was good because being so deep inside my mind like that i organized some things i’ve been trying to figure out

things i can’t really put into words

but having to do with social interactions and goals etc.

haha i have the most conflicting feelings, i feel kind of cursed a lot of the time

ignorance is bliss is probably the most accurate saying

not knowing is satisfying but hindering, and knowing is comforting but painful and often i find myself trapped between wanting to help others and wanting them to help themselves

i just see so much unnecessary suffering and i want to pull people out of it but at the same time they are unaware that they are suffering and i don’t want to interfere

i am so grateful for kyle because he is the only one close to me who understands this and he deals with it with his mom all the time

because she is constantly reading self help books and taking anti-depressants and overworking and feeling exhausted all day every day

and all he wants to do is help her fix it but knows the change is ultimately up to her

it is painful to experience and i know there is a thin line with these things but i am just trying to figure out what that is exactly

but basically what it comes down to is situations where you are so taken over by something and all you want is to share this with someone, but when you try to it doesn’t come out the same way or they don’t experience it the way you did or wanted them to

and yeah, rambling, but that is what i deal with

essentially just waiting and not having expectations

i’ve been struggling lately but in a distanced kind of way, so it is not bad, just silly really

probably thinking too hard about things

feeling a bit overwhelmed by school and my current state

i just need a good rest i think, i feel i’ve been going kind of nonstop

 

but school is good nonetheless

my book structures teacher is sweet and calming and the class seems promising

and i am making the most awesome sculpture in ceramics right now involving a tentacle conglomeration and decorative, colorful glazes

 

right now my dog is the softest ever

kyle washed her and blow-dried her fur and combed it haha she is like a cloud to the touch

 

the other night we went over to kyle’s aunt and uncle’s house in lloyd

they are the most unique characters i’ve ever met haha

they are constantly building more onto their house and it is really great and creative, using only recycled materials

jerry made a room he calls the skybox and now he is going to add on a greenhouse

and deb has the hugest bottle collection and remembers every one

they have dogs and kittens and peacocks and wolves and they live on a lake

it is kind of a dream, really

 

things that are cheering me up:

-beirut and joanna newsom’s ys album on vinyl

-my dog’s fur

-old star wars movies

-space walk by lemon jelly

-playing with clay

-reading

-kisses and back rubs

-being in bed

-bolo ties

 

whenever i feel down about being a loner i usually feel like it is my fault but lately i’ve discovered otherwise

i’ve made it a point to smile at people i pass at school and look them in the eye and i’ve found that most of the time people have a hard time doing the same

and it is such a simple thing really, just an acknowledgement

haha when i was feeling bad about it kyle said that i am very real with people and sometimes that is hard for people to deal with

 

my true nature is acting as a mirror