12/15/2011

my sister and cousin are in town right now and they are ultimate bullies when teamed up

last night i was talking to kyle about the confusion i’ve been feeling lately and i voiced it really well to him but i probably can’t do it again here

but basically what it comes down to is the question of "why does your family make you feel like a bad person??"

i have been in a weird cloud ever since thanksgiving and it is because i expect (damn it expectations!) to have a grand time with my family but it turns out that i am a weirdo who’s nothing like them and i pay for that when i’m around

it is probably the common notion that families always love you and that kind of stuff

so i feel like i’ll be accepted and whatnot but i end up being quiet until someone says something so absurdly senseless that i have to comment

then i feel like a critical BITCH who only speaks in sarcasm

and then i come home and i’m like wow what is wrong with me when did i become such a huge jerkhole

when all i want to do is LOVE EVERYONE

i think it is kind of funny that the ones that are supposed to be there for you are the ones that give you self-doubt

i guess it has taken this long to figure out that most families are like this but i suppose it is the societal belief that families are supposed to love you that is still jammed in my brains

this is such a dumb entry and i knew i couldn’t try to repeat it

basically i just want to say that i’m ready to move and not tell anyone

"life is thundering blissful towards death
in a stampede of his fumbling green gentleness"