02/12/2012

max is such a slimebag

i talked to him via phone waves the other night when he told me that, because i don’t go to shows and i don’t have a facebook, he forgot that i existed

literally said those words

ugh, but that wouldn’t have bothered me too much because, whatever, friends drift

but then he kept saying how we "couldn’t" hang out and i asked why and he said "well, kyle wouldn’t want that, and i don’t blame him"

what a shitty friend

i don’t see how people like that can be social with that kind of mindset, must be teen drama-central

 

but i ended up grieving about it for a while anyways

because he was my best friend for like 8 years

the kind that you don’t have to see for a long time but you just know that they’re always going to be the same towards you

i suppose that’s not true anymore since my existence is unacknowledged by him now

i’ll just continue to think of the part of him that i loved as still existing somewhere in the fourth dimension

somewhere there he is writing me a note and i am forgetting my chapstick in his bedroom

 

speaking of the fourth dimension, i finished slaughterhouse five and loved it

 

in ceramics i was making this coil vessel modeled after some ancient japanese pots

but it wasn’t doing much for me so i decided to change my idea and create a giant ice cream cone

with a removable top of ice cream scoops

i’d say it was kitsch but i still don’t fully understand it

 

i have been down lately because of a lot of factors

mostly that i am alone in the world except for my dog

sometimes, rarely, i have fleeting desires to leave kyle and run away with precious

that plan wouldn’t really work out so that is why it is fleeting, but there is charm in being solitary that i am missing sometimes

only sometimes because kyle is what levels me out, and that is both a good and bad thing

dependency is irksome when i think about it too long

mostly i just don’t like the idea of being associated as a girlfriend

and max’s reaction only proved it further

that it is impossible for me to have male friends of my own, ones that don’t think of me as belonging to someone

the only one i have left that i still talk to is william, and i think he is just the slightest bit in love with me

 

guh, frustrated, and my lack of poignancy makes it worse, help