It’s 3 AM I must be craxy,,,
Great friggin time!
Thought I was tired last night… thought I’d do the right thing and get to bed early because i"m falling apart, feel like shit, and really really really needed some sleep. So off to bed I go.
And getting to sleep isn’t the problem, it’s STAYING asleep! Same old same old. Tossing and truning till i’m wide awake at 2 AM looking at the clock after only a few hours of sleep. THat’s 2 AM Waterford time, or Zulu if you really care. I don’t. 2 AM is 2 AM.
It’s been the same shit for days. Same tossing and turning and fucked up dreams. I can’t even tell you what they are about most of the time but they are repeptitive. Most have to do with me being rejected and shunned by my "wife" in a dream world time of need. Hmmmm… where would that come from? Don’t need a couch and a box of tissues to figure that one out. Plus I’m still friggin sick. It really irritates me that I’m fairly young, lost weight, got in shpae, and am now the sickest I’ve ever been! What a cruel joke. I’m told I should just accept it but it’s kinda a big suppository to swallow.
IN other news I’ve stood my ground with the wife/soon to be ex/separee. I’ve said again I want us to go to counseling and I won’t step foort in a room with her until she has gotten her ass to counseling. She seems to be avoiding it, but I think it has become clear that I’m dead serious this time. There is no way we are going to survive if she doens’t work some stuff out as well. She keeps saying that "you’re pretty much saying it’s over, just end it." And that makes me wonder because it’s not even close to what I"ve said. Hmmmmmm…
I do have to give myself some credit. I finally, for the first time in over 5 years, honestly and truly did something for myself. 2 things acatually. The first was to buy a video game and actually take the time to play it. I must admit it has been, dare I say, fun to drive around and kill people…. ummm…. it’s GTA, you’re supposed to. It is fun though. Plus, I went all out and bought a keyboard. Yup. After wishing and wishing for years and always putting my wants to the back of the bus, i just said FUCK IT and did it. It is nice to play again! It’s been years, and I never was great, but I had fun, and I actually had a smile on my face the otehr day from playing. I just have to keep with it and do it for FUN, not because I have to.
Ok, I really need to get some sleep. Take two…