Friggin feelings….

Yah know I don’t get thses stupid sheet things.  My counselor gave me these stupi CBT sheets and they don’t make sense!  I’m trying and trying to use them and they just frustrate me even more.  They’re supposed to be helping me but I’m ready to throw them into the fucking fire.

I’ll just work this out myself.  I just got an email from her.  It was her typical threatening nasty self.   I’m trying so HARD no to send back an abusive mean spirited e-mail, I’m trying so hard.  I’m trying to  be the "bigger" person, because, I’ve been told, if I’m a bigger person then she will have to rise to be a bigger person too.  Makes sense buy I literally had to take 10 minutes to cool down.  Over an EMAIL  This would be why my blood pressure is thru the roof and I’m a friggin mess.   REfocus.  Email… so I did managed to barely type out two lines that were completely neutral.  Hold ON.  Must focus on that for a second.  I DID just manage to rise above myself and send a neutral e-mail.  That is a good thing.  OK, must add that too the positive.  But, again, why am I so angry with her?  I can’t understand where this emotion of anger comes from.  Sheets don’t help, so lets work this out.   I got the eamil and I was instantly filled with anger… I could feel it coming up thru my chest and started rubbing my head.  What made me mad?  I was mad because she once again was on my case.  She was once again making "threats" about coming down and taking stuff.  She makes it sound like she’s the victim.  I’m angry because i’m just generally frustrated about what to do.  I’m angry at her parents for having som much influence in his life.  I’m amd becuase this whole move had single handeely killed my life and marriage.  I’m mad because I can’t be a nurse.  I’m mad because all my years of medic experience are now useless.  All this sacrifice and coming here for what?  FOR WHAT?!?!  I can’t even show any emotion.  I’m just spent.