Fading away…

Had my umpteenth meeting with a psychologist / psyhciatrist the other day.  How many is this now?  LIke 4 in the past year.  THis stupd system doesn’t allow you to get the care you need, but that’s another journal.  Anywho she was Polish, and, for some reason, the Polish healthcare types really listen to you and actually care.  Sounds odd, but the only people I can get to listen to me over here are all Polish.  Could be a fluke, I don’t know, but this women actually listened to me, well, as best she could with my American accent.  Anyway, she picked up a few things in our first meeting, things I’d never really noticed.  She pointed out a pattern of isolationism and withdrawl, especially in all my relationships.  It’s true… just about everyone of them, Kari, Missy, Tara and even Catherine, I was the one to withdraw and go into what I can now recognize as a depression.  Never really noticed that before.  So, Great.  Where does that put me now?  I mean jesus I have nightmares everynight about Kari and how that ended.  NOw I can add all the other girls?  I’ll never sleep.  She said I should recognize this now and I know what to do.  I need to not be isolated and I need to be around people.  I"ve tried that.  I’ve tried to get out.  I don’t have any family that I talk to or want to talk to.  I have my best friend, but he is in NY.  I have my friends at work, but that’s work.  I’ve even tried going down to the local to have a pint and be around people and they all just look at me funny.  God, I know I don’t look Irish, but I have no idea what they think I am.  They’re shocked to find I’m American so it’s not that.  God only knows.  The point is that I really don’ tknow what to do anymore.  Catherien was supposed to be family but it’s obvious I can’t confide in her.  I really am alone.  The other thing was doing stuff I enjoy. HAHAHAHa… I’m not even gonna waste the typing, cyberspace or electiricty to write about that.  I’ve written whole journals on my lack of hobbies.  Nothing interests me, I have no plans for the future, I’m just living day by day.  Hell, more like hour by hour.  It’s all friggin depressing.

So how could I be less isolated?  I’m supposed to work on changin all this shit.  No idea.  All my attempts seem to fail.  Ugh.