Checking in on checking out…

Oh it’s been a while… I’ve done my best to keep up on my journaling so I can attempt to stay sane.   Writing your journal thoughts is not easy on a Treo as you sit in a local pub trying to be around any form of people just so you don’t feel so God damn alone!   Geesh… I just realized why I’ve been going to the pubs and malls, I don’t want to be alone.  I guess I want to be alone but then I don’t want to be.  I’m sure this conflict is part of the problem.  Wow.  I’m really shocked.  This is where journaling is good.  I wanted so desperately to be alone, and now look at me, clamoirng for human touch.

Anyway, I’m suffering.  It has been very difficult on me.  I can’t keep straight what I need or want, as you can see.  The wife and I met the other night for dinner.  I was in non-talking mode after the previous night, calling her at 2 in the morning wishing to work this out.  I don’t know how my mood can switch so much, but it does… well, actually, I am bi-polar so that should explain part of it.  I don’t know if I want an apartment here or in Dublin.  I don’t feel welcome at her home, but at the same point I don’t want to be away from Lochlann, and, I do miss my wife.  She is my partner… well was… seems shes been more against me than for me lately.  But I did have a night thinking about why we were married.  I love her I do, but there are these certain traits she has that drive me to drink… literally… and she isn’t good for my mental health.  That’s why I don’t want her help anymore, she holds everything over me.  I hate that… HATE that… some of my last words to her were that you give for the sake of giving, help for the sake of helping, and love for the sake of loving… Not for what you expect or what in return.  I don’t know why I can’t get that thru her head.  It seems so basic to me, but to here it is totally different.  Plus I don’t want our son growing up with those vaules.  Maybe that’s another point that gets to me.  Her parents are great, but is he picking up the values we want to give him?  I don’t know how to get around it.  I’m sure that is one thing that is frustrating me.  If I despise those values so much, then I’m sure the idea of passing them on is ripping me apart.  And I don’t want to be away… I’m still hemmin and hawing over this apartment in Waterford.  It’s nice… but do I want to take us to that level?  Is it the first point of a long friggin nail being driven into the coffin of our lives together?  I don’t know… I don’t know!  They could be with me on the weekends, but do we need time apart.  Or, will time apart rip up to shreads?  And how about Lochlann?  What do we do there?  Ugh… I have to remain positive and know this will work out.

It will work out when I start taking care of myself again.  I need to start doing that.  Fallin off with the exercise and meds.  Gotta get my ass in gear.

This is a good start though.  Gotta start talking again.

does spell check ever work?