Bradys, Dukes and Corkonians…
Well, it’s been an ok weekend. I"ve found that sleep is important. I found that I need to get out of the house. I found that I need to really take time and think about what is going on and think of what I’m feeling and need.
Long and short of it: I haven’t been sleeping and finally got a good nights sleeps last friday. For the first time in ever I got a good nights sleep and had innocent dreams. No dreams of zombies or of disasters or of people dying or of failed relationships. I mean I dreamed that I worked with the Brady Bunch! It was hildarious. Then I was working with the actor who played Rosco on the Dukes. He could play an awesome guitar version of "good ol boys". Ahhhh… dreamland fun!
Well I woke up refreshed! I can see that a lot of my problems are probably related to lack of sleep. A sudden wave of spontanaity and decided to go to Cork for a few days. I needed to get out of the house so off I went… packed and showered and was on the bus within an hour. Just picked a hotel and left. And yes, the bus… I was smart cuz I figured driving there would have pushed me over the edge. Well I got there in one piece and found my way around ok. I just walked… walked and walked and bar hopped. Met a few people here and there, forced myself to talk to pepople, which is tough for me. Just tried to relax. Got to shake my ass a bit. Got hit on by guys (as usual, even here). Fun times.
So I’m back here. Off for two weeks and back in this Friday. I’m much clamer it seems. Still don’t know what to do about this whole marriage thing. I want to do the counseling. I miss my son. I don’t miss my wife’s bullshit. Let’s do an assessment…. oh first, I have been much calmer and talking to her. I’m trying to be the adult, but she continues to just blow off the issues and act like a child. Must reember to be tthe adult. Anyway, assessment… I’m avoiding the situation. Why? Because I’m afraid I might scream and yell again and I don’t want to and can’t physcailly do it anymore. I don’t want to argue in front of my son. If I ignore it it won’t go away, so it won’t work. Have to face her at some point. What would i want. If I sat in front of the counselor. I want to be trusted. i don’t want things held over me. I don’t want to "owe" anyone for simple acts that you should do for the sake of fcuking doing and not what you get in return! That’s a big one. It’s not a competition, especially raising our child. I want him out of the fucking house. I feel like I can’t do anything about it anymore. like my hands are tied. it makes me sad and hurts. No one listens to what I have to say and I’m looked at like Im crazy. I do know waht I’m talking about at times. Ugh.