WHAT A START

I want to visit austria and  why not enter to the house of Mozart in Vienna .

I want to be happy,like this Saturday,for the first time in this whole two weeks of the first semester break I felt happy ,of course the price was expensive,I tryed to kill my self and this time I almost succeded,everyone was surprised and I was surprised because they didn’t see it coming since that’s all what I was talking about but no one expected that I’m going to have the courage to do it,but than i twas a new year and I realised that I’m still in the same position,still sad and miserable than I took a knife to cut my rist and I made sure I do it and take the pain,I kept telling my self that if cutting my rist is painful than living this life is more but I couldn’t ,what ever I did the knife wouldn’t even go through my skin than I start crying and praying to GOD ?I kept reapeating one sentence : « please GOD don’t send me back there,please GOD,that’s all what I want,don’t send me back there ! ».just the possibility of GOD not answering that prayer was driving me crazy,I was feeling like there is some part of my brain can’t take it any more,that it’s going to explose,so that shows how much I didn’t want to come back there.that night  when people were celebrating a new year,making new resolutions,making new plans,make space for a new memories in their brain,I fail asleep with the same sentence : « please GOD !don’t take me back there ! » .it was almost  3 : 30 am.

This year I have no resolutions ,this year I only wanted peace ,inner peace,that’s all,because that fear,that stress,that depression was eating me up,I wanted two things even to live happy or don’t live at all,I preferd to die because death was the only way to take a break from this misery,there was no other choice,I’m not rich,I’m not brave,I’m not patient .there was no solution even if they  say that every problem has a solution,the solution in my case was even to stay in that place and  take it or simply to die,and even if dying seems the hardest solution for me was the easieast,so that’s why  in  the morning of the first day of 2013,after my parents tryed  to wake me up and insulted me and keep reapting how girls who are studying with me are working hard  now and laughing at me than my dad start to hit me with his feet  to wake me up,although I didn’t wake up until my grandma woke me up and gave me breakfast than did some stuff  to take the « bad eye » from me than I slept for almost 2 hors than I eat lunch than I slept again almost 3 hours .you know what my memories about that day are confused,actually my memories about these last days are confused,I remember the events I just don’t remeber when did they happend .the main even t that happend Tuesday which was the first day of 2013 is that I took my labtob and I took my physics copybook than i decided to take tow pockets of the pills that my shrink has precribed for me and I didn’t eat dinner than I went to sleep