a date with my self(the title of my book)

"This is it.the big day that I’ve been waiting for it since very long time.I can’t be more exciting".

That sounds like the words of any girl,any normal girl.but that’s not me.than who I am?maybe if you asked me before when my life worth to be called life.when I wasn’t fighting with me or the ghost of what left of me,but now,I don’t know who I am,I am just stuck some where in the body of some thought,in the soul of a whole full of darkness and lies along with some truth probably or just another lie that could get into my head trying to feat from the left aches.

this is not me.I know that at least I know it wasn’t me.me was this little pretty,biautiful,innocent girl with  her sunny smile and soft voice.she was the start of new chapiter of happiness and joy and the end of a long chapter of waiting,anticipating with holding fingers crust.she was the light in the end of the road after years of darkness and hopless.Finally after the death of two or even three babies she finally decide to get out and appear to draw that smile and laugh in the face of her mother however it wasn’t a winning battle,Why?you may ask.Well her twin couldn’t survive leaving his or her sister alone.

Why I stayed and he left me alone?why did you?have you any idea how much I need you now?did you ever though of how our life would be if we were together?how much live would be easier?but again who am I to judge you.all what you did is save the life of  our mother,she was nervous and afraid from loosing another child since there was no one to support her and tell her that she is the greatest,there was no one to tell her that she is more than enough,she was lonely trying to pretend that everything is fine.Therefore you knew that neither me or you will survive if one of us didn’t take the risque and sacrifice and it was you,it was you who stood up and absorve all that stress and pain she was feeling to make sure that I’ll survive.You saved my live because you knew it’s the only way to safe my mom’s life,you were there feeling her suffrance making sure that I will not feel it so I’ll be hoppefully the key to heaven.

Now that I am here asking my self do I deserve it?did all those sacrifices have been done for the right person?do I deserve that uncoditonnel love from those angels of mercy?that love that’s been sended to an unknown.Yes I may was innocent than but I’m not now for sure.

Was I blaming the wrong persons because I was afraid and shamed of facing my ugly truth?did I make the wrong people pay the price?does my brother or sister that I’ve never known look at me now without been able of seeing me?did she or he realise his or her biggest mistake?Does he or she still burning in the fire of regerets?

this a part of the book that I always wanted to write.please I want your honest opinion even if it deos hurt,really hurt.I don’t cear.just leave notes and be free to say what ever you like.