maybe some closure

You were the first person I ever loved..I thought it was you and me against the world and here I am what 11? 12 years now? And I am writing all of this our like an idiot just to get some kind of glimpse of closure. You aren’t even here and I’m struggling to put all of this into words but here I go..

I was a child who just wanted love and I know that was on me I get that I was naive and didn’t listen to anyone warning me.. but I was too young for you to change my life like this. I loved you and do you know how hard it was to hear  my parents try to explain to my little brother you hurt me and he didn’t know how or why he just knew I was never the same and I know it hurt him too.

I didn’t listen to anyone when they told me you were a bad person because I knew your situation I knew you were just a child trying to deal with abusive drug addicts as parents I knew you just needed someone to love you not because of anything other than you just being you.

i remember around the time it got bad I was texting you about a nightmare I had and you mentioned just so casually you would rape me and I told you that wasn’t funny but I should of taken that as the warning it was. I remember you telling me as soon as I turned eighteen I had to marry you and leave my entire family. I remember every time I tried to leave and you threatened to kill yourself and it scared me so much because you had so much to live for. I remember after telling you I didn’t want to do drugs that you would drug me yourself every day until I wanted them too.I remember you threatening to kidnap me and kill yourself in front of me making me watch.  I remember everything you said and did..

i know I should of never sent those pictures again that’s on me I will take the blame I deserve but surely deep down you understand why I did. You wouldn’t leave me alone and I didn’t want to have sex I just wanted you to love me the same way I loved you. It was just easier to send the pictures to calm you down. I remember it was three days after I broke up with you when I let me know you would be sending those pictures to everyone I knew and I remember the panic set in as you told me you just wanted to meet me and..touch me it’s creepy to even think about you knew how uncomfortable I was with any of that I was so young.

i remember sneaking out of my house that night I remember the cold wind as I walked down the road to where you parked your car. You tried to kiss me when I got in and I just looked away I mean what did you expect you were blackmailing me. I remember climbing into the back seat behind the church. You ran your hand up my leg I didn’t mean to jump you know I didn’t like being touched..and I remember the look on your face when you said you know what fuck you and slammed my head as hard as you could into the window. By the time I could see what was going on again you had already ziptied one of my hands. I remember fighting you as hard as I could trying to keep my other hand free from you and I remember thinking why did he have zipties..like I said I was naive I would of never thought you would actually hurt me you promised you were the one keeping others from hurting me and I believed you. I remember looking out the window crying feeling exposed and violated. I remember the look on your face.. I had only seen that part of you a few times before. I remember putting on my clothes as you lifted my chin to look at you you told me how I was more beautiful than ever that night it’s funny how something that sweet can be so sour.

i remember running home in the dark crying me eyes out. Walking into my home knowing none of them knew what happened and how they can’t find out. Some things hurt when they find out and I didn’t want to do that to them. I remember being in my bathtub at like two in the morning scrubbing myself as hard as I could just to feel clean again and our friend Jake texting me to check on me.  I told him good because I didn’t want him to kick your ass and instead I find out you went home and bragged to him about what all you did to me

but it wasn’t that easy was it?
we will talk about the rest of it later but I need a break from thinking  about you