Welcome to my Shit Show of a Life

“You better get your shit together and figure out what you’re doing with your life”

I had gotten booted from college after failing my second core class – I didn’t try my best being young & stupid with my focus on other things, but the school didn’t hire the brightest professors either. FFS, the last class that got me booted, the teacher had to look up the answers as we would review tests because she didn’t know them herself. Pathetic, right?

This was the comment my step-dad told me on the phone as I was working out right after I found out I had failed the class & knew the boot was coming. The same step-dad that had me calculate what someone would owe him for the pills he was selling because he was too damn stupid to do it himself or apparently use a calculator. This is the same step-dad that his closest son didn’t graduate high school… but I better get my shit together… funny how that works, isn’t it?

The same step-dad that didn’t attend my college graduation when I did end up going back for my degree in another field.

The same-step dad that kicked me out at 17 because I wasn’t in bed at 9pm “following the rules,” the same time as his 11 year old daughter. There’s a 6 year fucking age gap.

The same step-dad that yanked me up by my hair and jaws with his hands, and slammed me against a bathroom door, and busted my lip as a teenager.

^ That time, he & I argued so hard, my mom called my dad and told him to come get me. She literally packed my shit & left it on her front porch until my dad got there to pick me up. He lived a decent distance away.

My mom always chose her man over her kids – she actually dated an abusive alcoholic for a good period of time and in that time, I witnessed her get the absolute shit beat out of her… he pulled a knife on her, dragged her by her hair, all kinds of things. At 5 years old, he had me carry a gun from our house to the garage to scare his cousin, to this day 25 years later, I still get anxiety with guns – I have one, but I won’t carry it until I take an education course because they scare the living shit out of me. While dating this man, she sent my sisters and I to live with our dad – much better environment for us – why the hell I wanted to go back to my moms at a later time, is beyond me.

My parents never co-parented – they fucking hated each other! They still do. My dad wouldn’t come around because he always felt it was him against all of the family on my moms side (which I understand now that I’m older because he literally had NO ONE).

Anytime I have a relationship with my dad, it’s a problem for everyone in my family. I’m always the bad guy.

But here’s the thing, I’m ALWAYS the first one to lend a hand if I’m able, whether they needed money for a stupid pack of cigarettes or whatever, I was always there to help anyone and everyone. But no one ever is there to help me, ever. When I finally started setting boundaries and saying how I felt, I was the bad guy and they blamed the relationship with my dad.

Which is what brought me here – so excuse the all over the place rambling – but I’ve got years of trauma. and this is just the beginning.

Welcome to my shit show.