Skeletons. Secrets.
For those of you who have an extensive amount of skeletons in your closet, or secrets that you are literally (attempting to) take to your grave, you KNOW how exhausting it is keeping these secrets sometimes.
Or, in my case, covering up lies! Incredibly exhausting. But, the lies are my secrets, so the two go hand in hand.
Being judged, or the feeling of being judged, is an absolutely terrible feeling. But it’s such a Catch 22. For instance, you shouldn’t care if you’re being judged, or care what people think–but if you have that attitude, then it’s probably a situation where you’re being judged, if that makes any sense. Lol.
I blame my perfection in high school on my recent anxiety and overwhelming feeling of being judged everywhere I go. No one should start any saga about their life with the sentence, "When I was in high school…" Because everyone should probably shove their high school memories down the toilet and let them flush away. They are SO trivial in the scheme of things. However, I will say, high school puts you in a VERY cushy, comfortably lifestyle which does NOT prepare you for the real world in the least bit. At least, that was my experience with it. I had no guidance.
In high school, I was the epitomy of perfection. Perfect hair, perfect body, great grades, really friendly, fabulous reputation, great at sports, extremely popular, Homecoming Queen–yep. All of that and a can of beans. Life was so good for me, it sucks that I didn’t enjoy it while I was living it–but granted, I’ve always had depression issues. Anyway, when I was in high school I literally got away with being cute and smart. Seriously. I got away with ANYTHING. And when I found that I got away with anything, I continued to keep getting away with things. Which in all reality, is absolutely retarded and did nothing but create terrible life habits.
NEWS FLASH: YOU DON’T GET AWAY WITH THINGS IN THE REAL WORLD BY BEING CUTE. YOU MAY GET BY A LITTLE BIT EASIER THAN A COHORT WHO MAY NOT HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH GOOD LOOKS, BUT YOU WILL NOT, I REPEAT, NOT RECEIVE ANY SPECIAL TREATMENT NOR BREAKS.
You may get to cut in line when getting into a bar. BUT THAT’S IT.
Therefore, when I got into college, things got a bit tougher for me. It was even tougher to deal with because I didn’t know what I wanted, and just kind of…skirted along. Rather ridiculous. Well, I got my shit together, graduated from a good college (with mediocre grades) and then after that…is when the fun begins.
I wish I could take age 23 and shove it up my own ass. Age 23 is the reason I HATE LIFE. I made so many absolutely TERRIBLE mistakes; it’s uncanny. And then, after making all of these mistakes yet somehow finding a way to come out of them and turn my life around (a little bit), I meet this amazing guy (my boyfriend of five months) and have constantly been trying to cover my trail of lies and bad mistakes since we started dating. But not just to him, to his parents and everyone in his life. Yep, I’ve lied to him. A few times. He may know. He may not. Regardless, it’s f-ing exhausting NOT TO MENTION shows a lot about my character! SHEESH!
(Side note: I met Deric, my boyfriend, through Maddie my good friend I met at Community College and played volleyball with. They went to high school together. Maddie has a really good friend Natalie, who also went to high school with them also. Well, last spring I dated this guy Karson, who you can read about in my previous entries…well, I was dating him AND Rian at the same time. Needless to say, he found out, hates me, and started telling everyone what a lying slut I was. Well, Natalie just so happens to get a teaching job…in Karson’s hometown. So I’m like, SHIT! Hopefully the good news about my fabulous reputation doesn’t spread to my boyfriend!)
I’m trying to hide all of my skeletons from Deric, mostly because he’s very anti-drama, super chill, responsible…and I’m not sure he’d want to be with a girl who has a horrible reputation, such as myself. On the other hand, I’ve worked really hard in the last five months in turning my life around, I really have. Deric brings out a good side in me–a responsible side, one that makes me a better person and want to work hard towards what I want to achieve. If he were to find out about the shit I’ve done? Holy smokes. I would no longer have a boyfriend. Part of me thinks, okay, I just need to sit him and down and tell him everything. It would make me feel SO much better, and if he dumps me for it? So be it, at least I can get that off my chest. On the other hand, I really like the person I am around him, his friends and family, and so I don’t want to interfere with that…at all. So, therefore, am keeping my skeletons in the closet until I decide to let them out… or a couple anyway.
With all that being said, he’s been acting super weird the last two weeks, so right now would definitely be a HORRIBLE time to let any skeletons out. He would freak.
I’ve called him out for being weird too. Last weekend, he came to Big City…the previous week, he had been acting weird, but had sent me an email saying he was sorry he was acting weird; he just wasn’t sure about the decisions he made as far as his job goes, and that was understandable. I kind of let it go (even though it was bothering me, I thought I had done something) but regardless, didn’t want to press him. When he came to Big City, things were fine I had thought, Friday night though…things were weird. As well as Saturday. I honestly thought he wanted nothing to do with me! That’s how he was acting. And after the day we had…LOL…thought he would dump me right then and there. It was eventful, think I wrote
about it in last entry so I won’t write again. But yeah. Well, he hung out with my family that day…and so later that night, he was back to being the old Deric. Huggy, kissing me, everything was good. He explained again that he just really was unsure about his new job, didn’t think he was making enough money, yada yada yada. (He’s making $45,000 a year…so that’s great money to me).
So this week, he began acting really weird again; even more weird. He stopped texting and/or calling. I know, right? RED FLAG! He’s going to dump me! I mean seriously, that’s any girl’s first clue that a breakup will happen. However, I keep asking (because I’m hella worried) and he claims he’s getting annoyed. WELL FOR DAMN SAKE, YOU GO FROM TEXTING ME FROM THE TIME YOU GET UP TO THE TIME YOU GO TO BED AND YOU’RE GOING TO SIT HERE AND NOT EVEN RESPOND. So yeah, not used to that! But finally, finally after pressing him…he tells me that he wants to take a step back, and that he’s not 100% anymore, that me living in Big City and him living in College Town is going to be too hard…
Well fucking finally. You drop the bomb on me.
Let me add, this was Thursday–the night before I was heading to College Town to go to his graduation. He said that his feelings haven’t changed, he still loves me, whatever–BULL FUCKING SHIT! A month ago we were looking at houses together, and literally planning our lives. Then he lays that shit on me?
Well, let me continue this onto this weekend too–again, acting weird, don’t know why the hell I put up with it–and I ask him again. He’s starting to get annoyed. Saying that he "doesn’t like texting", "lots of life changes", and again with the, "nothing has changed, STOP WORRYING." Well he was literally acting like a wet mop to me. I honestly don’t think he was meaning to, it was just…different. I’m so used to him being this noble, honest guy…but he’s really not. I mean seriously. He was actually kind of a dick on Friday night; not speaking very nice to his family, blah blah blah. I mean, he really is a good person but to be honest…was a huge turn off.
I’m not painting him in a very good light…seriously, he is a great guy. He works super hard, is responsible, smart, funny, cute, a good boyfriend, loyal…but I guess we’re at that point where we’re starting to get to know each other.
Everything just changed so fast. I was used to so many sweet texts, emails, things like that–I know most relationships lose luster after awhile, but I honestly thought ours wouldn’t, especially not after five months. I even mentioned that to him, that our relationship had become stagnant–he got very defensive and said no! We’ll just have to see what happens. Which I completely agree. I have a TERRIBLE habit of jumping the gun; not taking things day by day. I really need to do that. It’ s just, Deric had just made promises and said some pretty big things about being together forever, and I invested a little bit too much of my heart into that…and then of course he says we need to take a step back. That shit hurt! Even if he is right!
One thing that worries me about Deric? Well, the fact that he’s grown up and responsible and I’m not ready for that…for complete maturity anyway. I’m 23, 24 in…3 weeks. Shit. FML. Anyway, 24 in 3 weeks but I am NOT ready to grow up. I mean, go ahead and throw bills and responsibilities like that at me, but I am the type that I still want to go to the zoo, party on a Wednesday night, be immature, and put fun before anything. I think that’s your prerogative when you’re young. However, Deric…might just be a little too straight edged for me. In all actuality, and I was talking to Haylie about this today, Deric and I are (on paper) perfect for each other. He’s straight-edged, hard working, by the book type, while I’m more spontaneous and a free spirit. But then, as far as cleanliness and organization goes, we meet in the middle. But, for instance, on Saturday I was a little bit drunk and was playing around with a football. I accidentally threw it and hit the telephone wires of the house…and Deric yelled at me! He would never have done that a month ago, he wouldn’t have cared. Well, he didn’t yell he was just like, "Elle, knock it off you’re going to knock the wires out of the house!" Uhhh… okay? Man I felt like I had just been scolded by a teacher. Shit, have a little fun.
Let me add the things I did this weekend too, just to make sure he had a great graduation.
A) Bought him a cake that said congrats to him and two other of his roommates that were graduating. His Mom didn’t even think to get a cake and she was extremely happy that I did that.
B) Hung out with his parents most of the weekend, engaged in great conversation with them and also helped his Grandma walk around, opened and shut doors for her, etc. Not many girls do that these days. I did.
C) Got him a Cabela’s gift card for $50, on top of that, my parents gave him $40 because they like him.
D) Did all of the dishes after the graduation party as his parents were leaving. They were extremely thankful for that.
E) Today, clean up day, got up at 7 am, cleaned his kitchen, did most all of his laundry.
I’m not saying all of this because I’m trying to impress anyone. I did all of this because I genuinely care about him, and wanted him to have a fabulous graduation. Even though I didn’t do it for recognition, AT ALL, I did it because I wanted him, and his family, to see that I really care about him. Not sure if he noticed. But whatever. I kind of wanted him to, so yeah, I guess I did do it for a little bit of recognition–but like I said, he brings out the best in me. NEVER would I ever have jumped up to be so
helpful, nor have the courage to do so. But I did, and do it. For him.
Seriously, this may all be my paranoia and/or anxiety. I think I’m acting on my paranoia and anxiety, which might be driving Deric crazy because I think he’s sick of me asking if he’s sure he wants to be with me. Also, he is going through a lot right now! I’ve got to stop and think about that. I will say, as far as girlfriends go–I’ve been pretty damn close to perfect, minus the lying about my past. But whatever about that, who doesn’t do that? Anyway, I haven’t been clingy, pushy, naggy, jealous…all things I’ve been in the past but he calms me. But one thing that doesn’t make me a perfect girlfriend? My constant need for reassurance. It’s not a jealousy thing, at all, it’s an insecurity thing. Yep, I’m insecure. Sorry, I need that reassurance. So if you’re acting weird…I’m going to fucking ask you. Until you tell me. I know it might be annoying, that’s one flaw I have as a girlfriend.
Anyway, going back to the skeletons thing–I think, that if Deric were to ever find out the things I’ve done, and I mean, EVERYTHING, through me or through someone else–it wouldn’t be so bad. Would I be devastated and completely embarrassed? Probably. And he might break up with me, especially after finding out the lies. However, at least it would grant me a clean slate. And I could move on. Because like I said, so desperately do I want to tell him everything, but I just can’t. Not yet. Especially not now, not with his big transition in life.
(Gross part, skip over this to spare the details: I started my period last Monday, and thought I was off it on Saturday night–definitely wasn’t. And that’s Deric big thing, he doesn’t want to have sex when I’m on my period, it grosses him out. Well…we had sex…and it was a bit messy, to say the least. TERRIBLY enough, again terrible on my part, he thinks I’m on birth control :/ But don’t worry, we ALWAYS use protection and take all the precautions…but he thinks that my body is being weird right now. I don’t know. He actually was worried though, like why are you bleeding?…well shit, WHY DO YOU THINK?)
The gross situation just added a cherry on top of everything.
Who knows, maybe we are at a stagnant part of our relationship. And, it’s getting a bit stale. That happens, and it’s especially bound to happen to a long-distance couple. What do I think is going to happen? An either/or situation. He’s either going to realize how amazing I am to him, and go back to being the same Deric he was with his sweet emails and texts, or he’s going to realize this isn’t going to work and it’s not what he wants *heart leaps into chest*. Well, ya know what? If he wants to be with a straight edged, narrow girl who is content with her NORMAL life, then so be it, he can be with a girl like that. Maddie is a girl like that. Me? No. I don’t want to be normal. I am working for an MLB team right now, in Big City, having a blast, not making any money but wtf ever. I also have another opportunity to work in the marketing department for a huge tourist attraction in Big City. So I’m paving the way for myself, slowly but surely. And I DON’T want to live a normal life. He’s going to have to accept that. I’m chasing dreams. I’m sporadic. Spontaneous. Constantly changing my mind. But for years of selling myself short and settling…no more. It’s time to get after it. I have big plans.
My plan is to work on me. I’ve been working out more, tanning (LOL makes me feel better about myself), getting in great shape and getting my life back together. Big City is actually a good place for me to do that. There’s so many resources. I’m going to show Deric that I’m going to be something someday. Not just something, but something freaking amazing. I know it will happen, my ambition is SO high right now! I love it. It’s been awhile.
Ok… ANOTHER side note… there’s this girl that he was in a group with in one of his classes. She came over Saturday night for his grad party, her name is Christal, and she’s a pretty cute blonde girl. He said she’s the only girl that he texts about "group projects" but I don’t know, my jealous light came on. I didn’t question him about it, I just hope that’s not why Deric is being weird…because he has feelings for someone else.
On the plus side of Deric and my relationship? I get along SO great with everyone in his life. His whole family, brother, friends, roommates, everyone absolutely adores me. I’m just…myself around them. I love it. I love who I am around Deric’s friends, they are all so cool. And they seriously love me! So that’s one thing I have in my arsenal. LOL. His friends and family love me. Which in all honesty, is so rare these days. NO GUYS like their friend’s girlfriends, from what I’ve found/heard. Could be the same for me too, and they’re just being nice–LOL–but still, I have a great relationship with all of them. So that’s one thing that’s good. I guess another positive thing is that really, in this relationship, I haven’t done anything wrong per se. Like, I’ve never cheated or crossed the line…well, except for that one minor little text message incident, but that blew over cuz it was literally NOTHING…but anyway, I’ve been pretty much good. Like Deric really has nothing to say about me or against me, which is helpful. Even if only a bit.
This might be my record for longest entry…ever?! LOL.
Tuesday, my friend Kory and his baseball teammates are coming over to Big City to go to a MLB game and then go out afterwards. Kory and I have known each other since our days at Community College–where we had a thing. He kind of likes me…I’m nervous about him coming over. I do NOT want to cheat on Deric, nor do I think I will…b
ut I also don’t want to put myself in a situation like that, because Lord knows I can’t say no sometimes. I’m actually excited, it will be nice to hang out with baseball players! Since Deric and his friends are not…at all…and all I’ve known/dated are baseball players. Plus, it’ll be fun to go out with friends!
And then, this next weekend, Deric’s Mom invited us to a timeshare on Lake C. So Deric had invited me to this about a month ago, maybe longer. And I was excited, as I LOVE Lake C. It’s gorgeous, and would be so fun to go to and hang out with Deric at. Well then, last weekend in the midst of his acting SUPER weird, he claims that he probably is going to Boise, ID that weekend instead for a bachelor party. I was like…wow. What a low fucking blow. And then I had just mentioned Lake C, and he was like "Oh. I forgot". Well this weekend his Mom said no, Deric, I had this planned! You’re coming. So he reluctantly agrees…and of course I’m going to. I’m actually excited, I don’t think he is. But what the fuck ever. He needs to get over himself.
I seriously am not painting Deric in a good light at ALL in this entry, it’s more me venting, but he’s not been the same Deric. So yeah. I’m going to vent.
I am going to work out SO hard this weekend. I mean seriously, twice a day. Once early in the morning, and once in the afternoon. Try and lose like five pounds before the weekend. 🙂 I know I’ve lost a couple pounds! On the right track. But ate kind of a lot this weekend, and Lord knows drank quite a bit of alcohol, lol, so I may have gained it back. But I don’t think so. I want to get so hot and in such good shape to make Deric just go…wow. That’s my girlfriend. LOL. I have put on quite the poundage since I started dating him, what with all of my life changes :/ But how awesome it would feel to get back in tip top shape, like how I was last school year! 🙂 I can do it 🙂 Especially with my awesome gym I have!!! WOOHOO!
Just read some old emails from Deric :/ they were so sweet. LOL. I’m sure we’ll get back to that. I have hope.
Sometime in the next couple days, I’ve gotta meet up with the Aunt and Uncle I stayed with in Big City when I was homeless :/ My aunt asked for the key back. :/ God I’M SO awkward around them! It f-ing SUCKS! I just feel so judged cuz they are hot, and rich, and just all around perfect. And I’m…well, not. At all. So yeah. I gotta take the key back sometime and then get my watch back that I left there. HOW CAN I BE SO COOL AROUND SOME PEOPLE YET SO AWKWARD AROUND MY OWN DAMN FAMILY!?
All of this makes me just want to become something awesome. Something…big. And I honestly, truly think I will be very successful. I’m very faithful in the fact I will become something. I am ambitious enough! I’ll get there. I know it. And then…I will show everyone. That’s a good way to look at it. When motivation isn’t there, just think of how much you would like to slap people in the face with your success. 🙂
This entry is so long my computer is going to die! I’m getting up early, working out, then packing stuff and heading back to Big City. I’ve got to work tomorrow. But it’ll be a fun week. 🙂
A few things for me to work on/think about:
A) NO MORE LYING. DONE. B) TAKE THINGS SLOW and DAY BY DAY. DON’T JUMP THE GUN. C) EAT HEALTHIER!!! D) TRY NOT TO BE SO ANXIOUS. DEEP BREATHS. RELAX.
Oh…and no more parking tickets. 😉 I’m up to 3 now. Big City is RUTHLESS!
Alright. This entry is ginormous. I should probably call it quits! Uh… just typed in ginormous and no red squiggly line came up? Holy damn, that’s a word? WOW! AWESOME! 🙂
Well, despite my crazy life full of lies and deception 😉 life is slowly getting better.
Much love everyone!
-Elle.