Relax…CHILL.

Relax and chill – two words that I should probably use and act on WAY more often.

I haven’t written in a LONG time…damn.  Writing on here used to be my way of escaping and releasing.  We’ll see if it helps again.

MORE BOYFRIEND PROBLEMS.  Holy damn, I’m becoming a broken record.  Only this time, it’s mostly my fault.

I have a new boyfriend who I have been dating for about two months now.  He’s gorgeous, super nice, comes from a good family, a hard worker, religious, athletic (LIKES BASEBALL) and is just an all around good guy.  He’s a bit different in things, that’s for sure, but not in a bad way at all.  He’s not like typical guys; he doesn’t flirt with every girl, worry about sex all the time; isn’t dramatic about anything, etc.

I’m the one who brings all the drama.

I have fallen so hard for this boy, it’s unreal.  I’m not about to go and say, "he’s the one", because I’ve damn well said that about every guy I’ve ever dated, but he completely has my heart.  Like, I don’t even have a piece of it anymore.  And BECAUSE of that, it’s making me go crazy, and do things in the relationship that I’ve never done before.  LIke, call him a million times and show up at his work when he doesn’t call me, especially after a fight, which starts because I freak out on HIM.  It’ SO ridiculous.

I know he likes me, for a lot of reasons – college grad, I work my ass off, have a place of my own, have a car, donate to charity, genuinely care about everyone, try to be as nice as possible – but I feel like these little episodes I have are going to ruin my relationship with him.  🙁

Since we’ve started dating, I have:

Ridden in an ambulance to the ER where I received emergency surgery and 42 stitches.
Had my car broken into and completely ransacked, resulting in me having to get a completely new window.
Was told I have leukemic cells in my blood system, and had an intense cancer scare after my leg situation (happy to say I’m cancer free).
My roommate’s boyfriend stole my prescription pills, where I had to call the cops on him – on top of that, my roommate doens’t pay me on time for rent and I am actually legitimately scared of her.
Constantly questionining him about EVERYTHING, from girls, to other things.  It’s ridiculous.  Why can’t I just chill?  He’s so perfect and perfect for me.  I’m completely smitten with him and (dare I say) I do love him (I think).

I don’t want to lose him.

I hate this feeling I have.  I hate that I feel like my heart is breaking over nothing; that I feel like I am doing EVERYTHING in my power to push him away when in all actuality, I want to keep him for the long haul.  I don’t know how to act NOR what to say to him, if it’s okay to call or not, especially after today.  I seriously SUCK at life.  🙁

I think space, would be best right now.  If I could, I’d hang out with him 24 hours a day – but I know he’s not like that.  I wish I could see him all the time.  🙁  But I’m going to give him space, and hope that he talks to me tomorrow 🙁  We shall see.  We’re supposed to go to the bball game this weekend, my alma mater vs. the rival and of COURSE he’s a fan of the rival.

PLUS – I just bought us two plane tickets to spring training in March.  Please don’t break up with me, at least for that reason. 🙁

I honestly just need to take everything day by day, and relax.  Everything will be okay.  I care about him SO much, I don’t want him to break up with me of course, but at the same time I just have to let things happen.  I have to change my outlook, especially if I want to keep him around as long as I do – which is a long time. 

Thanks for letting me vent 🙂 

Much love!

-Elle.