Parenthood = 1; Elle = 0

I went back to work after my first round of maternity last week – and I’m not going to lie, I am getting my ass absolutely kicked.

First of all, when it comes to weekends… which if any of you are parents, know those are tough anyway.  Lots of entertaining, constant whining, esp. since I have a two year old and a 3 month old.  The problem is they are at ages where you can’t do much; plus we live in a state that’s 100+ degrees right now.

It’s making me not enjoy life, when I’ve been actually VERY happy the last three years.  It’s also making my husband and I not get along that great either… it’s really tough.  I also have pretty high anxiety anyway, so throw this all in – really just not feeling like myself.  At all.

I love my kids immensely, I was meant to be a mom (their mom).  But my husband and I are in our mid-30’s, waited 5 years to be married before we had kids (thank God, we needed to get a lot of shit out of our system – lol) – so we are exhausted.  We aren’t in our 20’s anymore with all this energy, lol!

Maybe getting a routine again will help.

Back to my husband and I not getting along… we just aren’t.  Interestingly, we agree for the most part on how to parent which is good.  But in some subconcious capacity, we aren’t meeting each other’s emotional needs (look at me getting all deep!).  I think therapy would be good for us again because we just… are angry with each other and not really allowing each other to be our true selves.  He’s jumping down my throat (which is so bizarre, he never did that before).

DId I mention we’re also in the process of finalizing our new build house + my son has surgery in two weeks?  *Insert eye roll* Life has a way of just doing it’s thing without your approval, doens’t it. Lol.   But yeah – moving has been interesting.  We close next week, but because of Tarin’s surgery, we can’t move in for real until August 11th-ish.  My parents are coming down though because we’re going to slowly move things over in the next few weeks.  We’re keeping this house we are in as a rental, which I’m really excited about as we build our equity!  However, moving in 110 degree weather with two small children.. sign me up!  -_-

Anyway, life is good for the most part.  Work is going just okay… I am the most tenured manager from an a) age perspective and b) experience perspective at my current job.  I’m recognized often for being a top performer, and I’m appreciative.  However, I’ve remained stagnant in my ability to be promoted…  and I met with my director and he’s giving me a new team so I can “prove myself”.  Prove myself?  Is that cuz I’m a woman?  I’ve watched man after man be promoted in my organization with no merit.  AS AN EXAMPLE – a 25 year old with literally ZERO leadership experience was promoted to a full-fledge manager, same title as me, just recently because he performed well as an individual contributor for a year.  I’ve been the top performing manager, made president’s club, yet I still have to “prove myself”.  Fucking bullshit.  I proved to myself that I could do anything when I finished my master’s while working full time with a newborn during Covid.

Anyway – after that meeting, I put my open to work on my LinkedIn for senior roles.  I’m done fucking around.

I love my job a lot but women get the shaft.  Typical in start up sales land, right?

Well – thanks for letting me vent.  Just a lot of little shit right now that’s irritating.

Much love,

~Elle.