More thoughts.

More boyfriend thoughts.  I’m getting pathetic, and becoming one of those girls.  

That frustrates me, because I’m NOT one of those girls…

…or, I’m just in denial.

My boyfriend had his first day of work Monday.  He said it went well.  🙂  Which is good.  He’s basically a mountain man.  That’s all I can say about that.  LOL.

I know I always talk about this…but I’m so scared.  I’m scared of getting my heart broken.  Scared of this long distance relationship, as well as our work schedules that will prohibit us from being a successful couple.  This past weekend was his graduation…I was literally stepping on glass, nervous of what to say around him.  I hated it.  It hasn’t always been like that, but after our little "Talk"…I’m so afraid.  In fact, the thought of it makes me want to cry.  All I’ve been doing is crying.  I don’t deserve that.  I know he has a new job, and a new life, but I feel like I don’t deserve this lack of attention that I’m getting.  At all.  

Anyway…whatever.  Control what I can control.  Be myself…because that way, if it does fail, I will look back and for ONCE in my life, have no regrets because I was…myself.

One thing that I’m SLOWLY coming to terms with?  

So, I’ve mentioned in previous entries that my boyfriend is perfect.  Organized, OCD, responsible, etc.  And I’m not.  At first, I tried so hard to be, just to somewhat compliment him.  But ya know what?  I’m not like that.  I mean, I’m responsible in a sense…but I just don’t have it all figured out yet.  I need routine, that’s for SURE…but even then, it doesn’t help me.  Chaotic, sporadic, unsure, are all good words to describe me.  And guess what?!  That’s just how I am.  I don’t think I’ll be like that FOREVER, but definitely will ALWAYS be a little absentminded, unorganized, and putting fun before anything.  And if Deric (boyfriend) doesn’t like it?  Well, as heartbroken as I’ll be…I guess that’s just too damn bad.

Today, I signed up to go to a job fair here in Big City.  Last night, I had three friends come over–they went to MLB game while I worked, and then we went out afterwards.  So today, am feeling a bit sluggish…and not ready for the job fair.  :/  It’s from 10:30 am until 2:00 pm.  I guess with those, you can always go later.  I was thinking of going to the gym, then heading down there…but I should have just gotten up and went this morning!  To the gym, and then to the job fair.  I need to do SOMETHING.  

Last night, I strongly, STRONGLY was/am contemplating going back to school next fall.  I could apply to get my MBA at a school here in Big City…or I could go back and get my teaching degree.  Everyone is telling me NOT to get my teaching degree, but part of me is like, why the heck not?  It will at least add to my education, which doesn’t hurt ANYONE, and that way one day if I do want to go into teaching, I’ll have the option, but I’ll still have my business degree!  And that way, I’ll be closer to Deric.  IF…we’re still together.  

Ugh…that scares me.  I fell too hard.

The funny thing about Deric and my relationship?  At first, he was all about it, and I wasn’t so much.  Not that I never liked him, I fully did, but my life was so crazy and all over the place, it just wasn’t a good time to be in a relationship, but he liked me so much that he wouldn’t LET me break up with him.  And now?  Ugh.  I don’t know.  
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Deric broke up with me. 

I wrote all of this earlier this morning.  And then he broke up with me.  Should talk about it but kinda not in the mood right now.

Much love everyone,

-Elle.