Lost.

I would say the last 6 months… maybe year… maybe longer, I’ve been a bit lost.

I’m a mom of 2.  My oldest Tarin just turned 4 this month.  My youngest, Kesley, turned 2 in April.  I would say I’m on the more mature side of being a mom, having had my first at 32 and my second at 34.  I also work full time in a director role for a publicly traded company.  Being a working mom is literally… I dk how to say this, so I will just call a spade a spade -awful.

I’m in office 4-5 days a week.  Luckily, my office is fairly close, but still a 20 minute commute each way.  I usually need to be to work by 8 am, while my husband has a bit more flexibility, so he’ll take care of the kids in the morning and take them to school.  So most mornings, I don’t see them.  And my job is dumb.  I’ll be honest.  My company is not doing well right now, and every single day is a FIRE DRILL on how to “do better”.  In reality – like MOST tech companies – we hired way too many damn people.  In the scheme of life I’m like – why the FUCK does any of this matter?  It doesn’t.  I had an hour long meeting last week about how to increase business with a partner.  How “important” this is for the future of the company, whatever.

I digress – by the time I am getting home – I am exhausted.  Burned out.  I support 60+ people in this director level role.  I make about $30k more a year than my husband, which isn’t a small amount, so me and my career is kind of imperative to keep with having two kids.  My kids are also on my insurance too.  It’s honestly a shit ton of pressure.

However, I’m so sick of the back and forth of sacrificing motherhood for the sake of this illustrious “career”.  Not to mention, what we’ve build during this time – we currently own 3 houses; 2 of which are investment properties.  We just got our plubming redone on our house which was $20k.  We are getting our backyard done which is about $45k.  All this “Stuff” – which yeah, I know, will one day positively impact home values, blah blah, but I’m gonna tell you right now – I am EXHAUSTED.  And sick of it.

To top all of this off – my husband and I have been on different pages lately.  He wants to chase a career and money – I don’t (and he kind of openly admitted this to me the other day).  He doesn’t want a third kid – I do (HUGE breaking point lately).  I dk what’s going on with us, but I truly feel like him and I want other things out of life.  We used to be very aligned and insync, but that’s changed quite a bit.  He likes the fancy parties, the status, being a “VP” for a huge company.  And I could give 2 shits about all of that.  I enjoyed it for a moment.  This is going to be sad to say – but I remember seeing people going through divorces, instantly getting judgy (I know, I know – I was a brat) – and now, I see why it can happen.  People change.  Lives change.  Not to complain about my husband more – but I don’t feel my best when I’m with him.  Like I don’t feel like he supports my goals, my aspirations, etc.  He’s never ran or exercised with me and that’s such an important part of my life.  He sleeps in everyday, where as I get up early, creating isolation in our relationship.  I feel like when Tarin was born, he was passionate about being a great dad, but he’s gotten lazy with it with Kesley (constantly on his phone, never planning anything on the weekends, lots of tv time, etc).  I don’t know, I just don’t feel the same anymore.  I asked our therapist if she could meet – Mitchell wants to also, which is obviously a big relief.  I am not giving up at all – but I just now am realizing how things can take turns.

Also – why as women, especially as a full time working / married / mother, does it feel like everything we do is for everyone else?  Husbands included. It’s like – take care of the kids, they need this, that, the other thing, take care of ALL of the employees, this one is having a mental breakdown, this one made a huge mistake, this one missed a deadline.  Then you come home – husband wants physical touch, cuddling, sex, whatever.  Nothing ever feels like it’s just FOR YOU.  I know this is the life I signed up for.  But damn if I’m not struggling a lot with it.

This was a nice bitch and moan post.  But in all seriousness.  I am tired.  🙁

Much love,

~Elle