Let’s get real about anxiety

I swear, one day I am going to start a brigade on the stigma surrounding mental illness; more notably, the effects of high-functioning (or as they call them) mental illnesses; IE, depression and anxiety.

I for one, suffer greatly from anxiety which I strongly believe segways into depression.  Like, if I get my anxiety into some type of handle, I can most likely suppress or eliminate depression altogether.

My anxiety literally inhibits me from completing a lot of things right now.  Do I need to see someone?  Yes. Do I need medication?  Yes.  But now that I am older, I am becoming a lot more real with my condition in the sense that, this is me.  This is who I am. What position can I place myself in life to effectively manage this?  Because it ain’t going anywhere.

Things I hear ALL. THE. TIME. : “Take a deep breath!”  “Relax!”  “Get out of your head!” All the same stuff.  But guess what?  I can literally do none of things.  For awhile, I tried.  Super hard. I tried to “change my attitude”, and meditate, and all kinds of shit to ultimately even decrease my debilitating anxiety.  None of it worked, or ever works.

Another fun part of this?  Hiding it from others.  Putting on a strong face that you are super high-functioning, when in reality, you literally feel like a blob of worry and sadness and your brain is running a million miles an hour.  But no!  I’m Elle.  Super high energy and super confident.  TBH, neither is true.

My anxiety gets so bad, I literally suffer from complete mental breakdowns… I did at work today.  Luckily, I snuck out before anyone saw me, and had a good cry in a stoop right on the main avenue. Lol.  I had a horrible client call this morning that went awry, my boss was in the call as well so he heard it go awry.  I really, really need to get away from jobs where I am put on the spot constantly.  NOT good for my anxiety. And guess what?  I’m okay with that.  I do think I need to get some sort of semblance and control on this, but to be honest with you… despite being medicated, or whatever, it really probably won’t change.  So now, I focus on setting myself up for success by creating a life for myself where this isn’t something I deal with everyday.

The fact that my husband has a job interview in another state on Monday; meaning that our entire life could be uprooted, is definitely not helping things either.

To paint a small picture of how badly I experience this – my husband, my straight and narrow, never touched drugs in his life husband, has even recommended I try marijuana.  Yes… never thought I’d see the day.  Yet here we are.

Anyway.  I just wanted to write a post to share that anxiety, and depression, and other things can be incredibly disruptive and debilitating.  They can result in a complete lack of motivation; an unwillingness to contribute to your daily responsibilities; and overall, just be a mother fucking bitch to handle.

That’s where I am at.  If anyone of you are suffering as well, or want to chime in, feel free to share below.

Much love,

~Elle