Frustrated.

With my FUCKING ex-boyfriend.  UGH.

Preface:  Excuse the language.  It’s going to be bad as it normally can be when I’m frustrated.

He has this AMAZING way of making my life miserable without even being a main part of it.

For the last 15 months while I’ve been dating Mitchell,Jason has been after me prolifically.  Yeah, AFTER he broke up with me.  IN A BAR.  MY FAVORITE BAR.

Because he couldn’t "handle me"…when really, at the time, he was living in his parents basement with no car as a part-time valet.  Yeah.  I know. 

So then a month later–he comes CRAWLING back.  I tell him, SORRY, too FUCKING late bitch!  I’m with Mitchell now WHO, is an Event Manager for an MLB team and has his life TOGETHER as a 24 year-old male adult.  Shock, right? 

I got over–or felt like I got over–Jason pretty fast (Jason is the ex).  I was SO happy with Mitchell, he treated me SO well (and still does!) and was just all around better for me.  Even when I got mad and my temper flared up (which I am notorious for)… he still loves me.  And calms me down, and tells me everything is going to be okay.

What did Jason do?

He fucking ran away.  In fact, one time he left me in an alley in downtown Big City at 1 am by myself.  Another time, we got in a fight and he literally ran away from me while I was running after him barefoot.  He caught a bus and left–and didn’t talk to me for 3 days.

ALL while he was a part-time valet–living in parents’ basement, as I previously stated. 

But he would do the occasional sweet things–like take me out to sweet dates, get me flowers, etc… but it was almost like he buttered me up to fucking tear me down.  Or, I would hold onto these sweet things in the time he would let me down.

OR!  Or!  Let’s talk about the time it was his brother’s birthday.  So we just so fucking HAPPEN to go to this bar that Jason’s ex-girlfriend FREQUENTS.  So, ya know, we could see her and drama could ensue.  SERIOUSLY!?  What.  The.  Flying.  Fuck.  Out of ALL the bars in Big City, I was like–um–there are SEVERAL bars with pool.  Can we please just go to another bar?  Ya know, one of the MILLION that are in Big City?  He wouldn’t. And I was sad and upset.  His ex-girlfriend is a BITCH.  She made the night a living hell. Trying to KISS Jason, buying his brother shots, being a bitch.  STUPID fucking shit. 

However, for some reason I’ve been so attached to him, even with dating Mitchell.  And Mitchell knew it.  I tell/told him EVERYTHING about Jason and I.

I thought Jason had changed.  I’m not sure he has.  He has me by this fucking THREAD and I want to let it go.  I did some stupid stuff though.  I thought, for a little bit, that maybe I wanted to be with him instead of Mitchell.  So I was on the verge with breaking up with Mitchell but didn’t quite do it.  I did lie to Jason though–told him I had.  Which was stupid.  And probably makes me a shitty person.

ESPECIALLY…especially since Mitchell is SO amazing.  He’s the guy who LITERALLY spent an hour picking out the perfect arrangement of flowers for me after a long day at work.  Nothing special.  Just to make me feel good.  The guy is nothing short of amazing.

But why wasn’t I happy?  I don’t know.  Only time will tell that to be honest.

Jason, not good for me.  Not accepting of me, not as much ambition…I don’t know.  I don’t know what to think.  For some reason I CAN’T get over him.  I don’t understand how to.  I know he’s not the greatest…but he’s not the worst.

Well it doesn’t matter.  Because now I ruined things with Jason.  I had Mitchell call him and leave a nasty voicemail.  Which in turn, Jason left me a message that said: "Mitchell is a fucking pussy, FUCK YOU."  Yeah. 

But THEN!  Of course, I fuck myself in the head psychologically by thinking maybe he’s right.  But I LOVE that Mitchell is so sweet, and hardworking, and all around amazing.  SUCH an amazing guy, would be a fantastic husband… etc.  But maybe he doesn’t have enough edge for me.  Maybe I NEED edge.  But I feel as though I need to get over Jason.  Because with him, it’s SO unknown.  Like I would never know if we would be anything.  I don’t feel confident that we’d last.  And I don’t trust him.

Long story short HOW DO I GET OVER HIM?!  Ugh.  I NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM.  I don’t know how.  Even now I want to go down to his work and see him.  Dammit. 

 

So frustrated. 

Much love everyone.

-Elle.