Been too long.
I’ve contemplated jumping on here to write from time to time, but unfortunately, writing seems a lot less therapeutic these days. Maybe because I spend all day behind a computer typing – and it’s lost its luster. Regardless, I am going to try tonight because I have a lot on my mind.
Let’s start with work. I am blessed to still be employed in tech amidst the thousands of layoffs that have occured since Covid in 2020. I’m a director of sales (well technically, a senior manager, but don’t get me started on that). If you can remember, I am also a mom to two little toddlers – 3.5 year old Tarin and almost 2 year old Kesley. Not sure if any of you have ever been in a sales role in your life – but let me tell you, I am basically a mom to adults from 9-5, then a mom to my toddlers the rest of the time.
And I’d argue my toddlers exercise higher emotional quotient than most of the adults I work with.
Today sucked. I’ve been working my ass off, while people were sick last week, and we’re growing so fast – it’s really tough to keep up with. Well, surprisingy, and pretty much out of nowhere, I received really tough feedback in a group setting from my boss. And yes, it singled me out. I am not good when I’m caught off guard. But it really had me questioning everything – my confidence (which should be great, we finished January WELL over our goal), my relationships with my coworkers, etc. I immediately fought back too – reverting back to me saying I do not do well when caught off guard – and got pretty defensive.
*Sigh* – all in all, I’ve been thinking so much. For 6 months, for a year. The last time I updated everyone, we had JUST moved well into the suburbs into a brand new build essentially 1.5 hours from Big City. Well, we moved closer (Back to our old neighborhood, in which we actually own another rental property) and now – that house sits empty and is just another mortgage, haha.
But I can’t help but think how much I long for something different. The tough thing about being a director of sales for a publicly traded company, is the money is good. Really good. I make more than my Vice President husband, and we feel so immensely blessed by that. I promise. But what I would give to live a simple life. Spend more time with my kids. Not feel the stress of rushing out the door in the morning, rushing home in the evening only to be exhausted and not have energy to be engaging with the people who deserve it most. I don’t know if I could be a full stay at home Mom, but I tell you what- if I could work part-time and then hang with my kids the other part of the time (maybe like a 2-3 day a week thing), I feel like that would be my ideal scenario. It feels so tough to ask Mitchell about that right now, because we have two mortgages, 2 rental properties with 1 vacant, and just bought our most expensive house to date. Oh, AND we’re going to see Taylor Swift in Europe… lol.
I guess what I’m trying to say – is what is a high paying even worth? (Ok, I see what I did there). For example, I got that tough feedback today – do I care? Did that feedback make me a better person? A better Mom, which is actually what I strive to be? I guess this is a very philosophical, and maybe even controversial topic, but tl;dr – my work doesn’t fulfill me. It just drains me. AND, I actually DO like my job! Believe it or not. Yes, it has its down moments, but I try not to focus so much on the adversity. However – I am having a tough time finding myself + finding purpose at the sacrifice of my family.
Long story short – off day.
Even when moving closer to Big City (And just having the convenience of being 5 minutes from everything), my sleep is still terrible and I’m still struggling to find a routine. I’ve been better about working out at least 2-5 days a week, but can’t seem to get the motivation to be productive (esp. in the mornings). I’ll keep working on it.
Anyway. Thanks for letting me chat. Such a busy week at work.
Much love,
~Elle.
Hi Elle, I was once in this situation: I had a high-flying job, making a lot of money, and like you, I was running at full speed. At some point, I had to stop and re-assess what was going on in my life, because my career essentially came to a hard stop: my boss left, a new one came in, he decided he hated me, and systematically tortured me for the next year until we finally negotiated a package, and I left.
It was very, very hard at first, but I gradually rebuilt: I simplified my life by getting rid of some things that were dragging me down. One was a rental property that was left to me by my parents, and was occupying too much of my time. I sold it off, and split the money with my sisters.
I got a job closer to home, fewer hours, lower pay, and but I made it work by cutting some of my expenses: more home cooked meals (which I had time to do), and it turned out that I was overpaying for certain things (like my homeowners insurance.) Because I was working locally, I wasn’t paying for transportation, and was even able to get rid of my car (I rented one once a month to do some trips to visit friends and family.)
My kids were in middle and elementary school, and I spent a lot more time with them: at one point, I would pick them up at school and we would take the train to the beach for a few hours (I live in Brooklyn, just 30 minutes from Coney Island.) The finances were a little tough to maneuver, but in the end, I managed to balance it all out.
I don’t know if you have a partner in all this, but if you do, it might be time to have a conversation about getting off the treadmill. I managed it, and it was one of the best things I ever did.
@ravdiablo This was such a thoughtful and nice note. Running full speed (but going nowhere, like a treadmill, great analogy) is exactly how I feel. I almost find myself becoming addicted to constantly being on the run, which is scary. I do have a partner, and I’m a little afraid to have this conversation with him to be honest, but feel it necessary given how I’ve been feeling recently. Kids surely do have you adjusting your priorities and actually understanding what’s important. Anyway, thank you <3 this was a highlight for me and I’m so glad that worked out for you, it is really inspiring for me.
@the_one_and_only I’m glad to hear it. My realization came about when I realized that my children were only going to be young once, and that it would be terrible to miss out on that opportunity to spend time with them. I remember it succinctly in a sign I saw on a church: “Your children need your presence, not presents.”
Warning Comment