2:15 Am. And counting.

Oh, the diary of a scatterbrained blonde.

Now THAT’s an anomaly isn’t it?

My mind right now, is racing A MILLION miles an hour.  And I’m pretty sure I start every entry with this same statement!  This entry might be more random thoughts being thrown out there, with not much explanation.  I just need to find a way to organize everything and almost make a "To Do" list for my brain!

1)  I know I’ve put on a few pounds this last year, ESPECIALLY since last year when I got back down to 140 pounds (high school weight, normally am at about 150ish).  Well, I am NOT big (at least, I don’t think), wear a size 6 and size 28…but tonight, a guy at work made a comment and it frustrated me.  In fact, now that I think about it, straight up pissed me off if he meant it how I thought!  At the MLB park I work at, we have guys dress up as superheroes.  This guy…who ironically enough, is named Deric just like my EX-BOYFRIEND and my brother…was telling me a story about how a girl "my size" was wearing one of those costumes last year.  I was like, "How’d it fit her?  Wasn’t it too big?"  Cuz GUYS were wearing it!!!  Big muscly guys!  And Deric goes, "well she was YOUR size!"

O_o  I was like… WTF!  Am I a "big" girl?  No I most definitely am not!  And plus, this Deric guy is BIG!!!  As in, FAT!  Ugh.  I am actually going to use this as a MOTIVATION to get BACK to 140 pounds.  Really, I only need to lose about 14 pounds, and just got to hit the gym HARD.  I can do it!!! 

2)  I have GOT to call my student loan place, TODAY.  They collected on me last week, and set up to take my payment out of my account today.  However, need to get that DEFERRED as I will be going back to school in the fall!  So damn, wish me luck!!!  If they take $175 out of my account… holy for sheezy I would be BROKE. 

3)  On account of me being SO exhausted today at work and after work, due to 2.5 hours of sleep after a drunken night out in Big City with Asher 😉 I went to sleep tonight at like, 6:30.  And then woke up at 1:00 am!  UGH!  Why can’t I ever just get ONE good night of sleep!  I plan on going to the gym in a couple hours ANYWAY… but still.  LAME SAUCE.  Which means I am up at 3:00 am, work at 10:00 am (POOP).  

4)  Kind of linked to #1, I’ve GOTTA start eating healthier.  I may shock my body this week by limiting my carb intake, and see what happens!  Heard if you do that by sticking to drinking NOTHING BUT water and cutting carbs, you can lose like 10 pounds in 2 weeks!  Need to go grocery shopping too and get some healthy food!  Like some cereal, milk, eggs…the usual.  🙂  Anyway though, I’ve been eating NOTHING but candy and CRAP!  Seriously!  NO MORE POP, ENERGY DRINKS!!!  

5)  Looking back at old pics on Facebook, I sometimes miss my friends.  I think it makes me more so miss who I used to be…but regardless, still miss it.  And them. 

6)  Got a babysitting job!  Which will be SO nice to have extra income throughout the month!  Maybe about $200!  🙂  I met with the lady tonight who found me on Craigslist.  OMG… she’s SO nice, and they’re Australian!  Cutest accents ever.  🙂  Plus, their house is like 5 mins from mine!!!  AWESOME!

7) Worries: 3 parking tickets.  Wait… 4 parking tickets.  A speeding ticket.  Asking for Friday/Saturday off this week.  Getting out of my Big City house lease.  Re-Applying for State.  Signing up for classes for State.  Place to live at State in August. Not having money to do it all. 

8)  Need to start going to church again!  Been busy.  Which is a nice change.  🙂

9)  Aren’t breakups funny?  Deric broke up with me two weeks ago.  Was a bit heartbroken, but after making out with two guys since then and just being busy, I’m kind of…almost…over it.  And I am, everyday, forgetting why we even dated.  It wouldn’t have worked, we don’t have much in common.  (HA, as I say that I do miss him a bit).  But oh well.  He doesn’t love me anymore, and I don’t love him anymore, nor do I feel like I know him.  It’s…weird.  Although thinking about him hooking up with another girl, as I’m sure he has done since we’ve broken up kinda stings.  :/  Doesn’t hurt per se, just…stings.

10)  I need to change who I am at work.  I mean, I’m pretty cool and nice but due to my insecurities at the moment, it’s hard for me to be confident and cool like I normally am!  Which circulates back into working out and getting back in good shape.  Which I WILL.  And will be cool again.  🙂

11)  So, basically, I have the WORST reputation of ANYONE in my town, and all of the mistakes I have made have caused me SEVERE anxiety.  It’s funny, the other day while walking to work had an epiphany–I sit here and say I’m a good person, which deep down I REALLY am, but my actions sometimes prove otherwise.  REALLY need to establish myself (am getting there).  Whenever I think about my mistakes…cuz they are BAD…or my reputation or how everyone thinks I’m psychotic, it causes me to almost hyperventilate, but other times, I think it’s going to be okay.  I honestly think I just need to start going back to church, and immersing myself in God and prayer.  That’ll help, I’m sure.

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;”>Continuing on with talking about my mistakes, I’ve read some self-help articles online about learning to forget and forgive yourself.  I wonder if I went back to every person in my hometown that I’ve hurt (similar to a "My name is Earl" situation…without the money :./ ) I wonder if that would help.  That would be SO hard though.  I also thought about just dropping off the face of the earth!  I did get rid of my Facebook for a couple months and THAT was nice.  I don’t want people to know what I’m up to anymore.  I may just NEVER get on it, don’t update it… cuz ya know you’re basically not human without a Facebook.

Or I could just go to Fiji. 🙂

K goal to sleep for a couple more hours LOL. 

Much love everyone! 

-Elle