the unknown core

(Originally posted on 12/14)

I know what I meant to say, but intention is useless if the words come out wrong. (Which is often the case in the heat of the moment.) And, because I am the worst, I doubled down on the sentiment after the cooling-off period.

Unintentionally, of course.

So now, as I lay awake in the middle of the night and reflect on the past few days, I’ve come to a few conclusions. The biggest is that I don’t like who I am when I’m in a relationship – a statement that sounds ridiculous coming from someone who has been in the same one for the past almost 20 years. When things are good I’m good, but the moment things get tough I begin to collapse in on myself like a dying star .

Despite whatever I (very unintentionally) said to the contrary on Saturday, I have no interest in leaving this relationship. I’m happy in an overall kind of way, even though there are rough patches. However, if it were to end for some reason, I’m not sure I would pursue another one. There are too many unpredictable variables; too much potential for pain. Too many ways for my brain to lie to me.

In these moments of conflict, I wish my brain didn’t shut down. There are those thoughts and feelings that are easily identifiable but, more often than not, it’s the nucleus of feeling that gets away from me. Something deep within that’s difficult to understand, articulate, or control.

Still learning, still growing. Still figuring out how to curb the worst of my impulses. Still learning how to be a living, breathing human in close proximity to other humans.

Usually feeling that I fall short.