no good, very bad

Years and years ago, when we were newlyweds, we had a tight knit group of friends with whom we spent most of our free time. We got together on Sunday evenings to make dinner, drink, and visit. Threw a big party every couple of months. And, of course, we would all spend NYE together.

Every New Year’s Eve, without fail, our friend Jason would make it his aim to get epically drunk. The kind of drunk that makes you want to swear off of drinking forever. His reasoning was that he wanted to get the worst day of the year out of the way right off the bat. Every year, without fail, Jason would spend New Year’s Day with a massive hangover. And every year, without fail, there would always be worse days. Because that’s life.

I haven’t seen Jason in years, but I am thinking about him this afternoon. No, I didn’t get epically drunk last night. I drank my share of Prosecco, true, but we stayed in this year and it was a pretty quiet evening. No hangover. Just dealing, once again, with the fallout of how my brain works and the impact of that fallout on the people around me.

I am by no means naive enough to think today will be the worst day of my year, but wouldn’t it be nice if you could just get the worst day of the year out of the way on January 1st? To know, definitively, that things can only look up from here?

If only. But, alas, the brain I have today will be the brain I have tomorrow, the brain I have in March, and the brain I take into 2025. There will be days when I cry more than I’ve cried today. Days when the physical pain is unbearable. Days when I hurt or get hurt by those I care for.

I can only hope to grow in my self-understanding, emotional intelligence, ability to love, and patience.

Everything else is beyond my control. Ugh.

(Unrelated – I am compiling a list of my favorite songs from 2023. I meant to have it done before the new year, but better late than never, I suppose. Soon, hopefully.)