it’s october

So close to the end of this year, a year marked by change and the discomfort of personal growth.

The first year in so many that I feel like I can breathe. Like I have the freedom to start living for myself again. The trouble is that it’s not always easy to determine what that looks like, or if I’m capable of moving forward without self-sabotaging. How appropriate that it’s October – I’m haunted by the crippling feeling of inadequacy no matter where I go or what I am doing.

Ha. I’ve got jokes.

*****

Speaking of being haunted:

I’ve been thinking about W a lot lately. Probably more than I should, honestly. I trace each line back, an attempt to see where things went wrong, but no progress is made. I consider reaching out, but abort my efforts before they begin. Whatever this desire is, there’s a solid chance it will only ever play out in my mind.

I don’t envision a future where we are close again, or even a future where I obtain the resolution I seek, but there are things that I need to say. More specifically, there are things I need to apologize for.

I question my motivation.
Maybe that’s the cause for my inaction.
Maybe I just want the dreams to stop, and she’s the key.
Maybe I should stop thinking in the same circles.

*****

Reminding myself I have everything I need.
But it’s been so long since I’ve allowed myself to want.