I will not punch a fish.

There’s a little shit hole bar that a few of us go to from time to time after work to sit back and relax. It’s a sports bar with the usual pool tables, juke box, darts and a few pin ball machines. There is a punching bag game that keeps track of the hardest punches and ranks them. The young guys at work dump fist fulls of Loonies into it. ( For the people that don’t really care but have to know anyway, A loonie is the nick name for Canada’s $1 coin.) I hit it about 6 months ago just after the machine was put in and was the hardest punch for the first few days. My hardest punch from that night still ranks it harder than 89% of the other punches. The young guys were all over me the other night to hit it. They said there is no way  that I, a 36 year old,  can punch that hard and it must have been a glitch in  the computers memory. I’ve been hitting a heavy bag for most of my adult life for anger and stress relief, I should have a hard punch. I fed a Twoonie ( $2 coin…duh! )  and a Loonie in to the machine giving me 9 punches. I threw a bunch of great shots in the mid 70% range and ended up hitting 89% again. My budy at the table jokingly asked me if I would punch his wife in the face for him…Lmao The whole place erupted into laughter. But it got me thinking. I should be a thug for hire. make a little cash on the side punching people in the face. Not to mention the perks of getting out some of my anger issues. I know I can hit a guy in the face, but popping a woman? That’s not going to be an easy one to get used to. For the first few I’m going to see if they would’nt mind putting on my Jimmy Carter mask from an old haloween costume. " Excuse me Miss, but would you mind wearing this mask for just a momonet so I can punch you in the face? Not that I have anything against Jim , I think he’s a good enough guy with all the charity shit he does, I just happen to have the mask, might as well get some use out of it. Over time I think I’ll even take on the chore of punching pets and children in the face, This of course will cost slightly more. I will NOT however punch a fish. It’s a fish, What the hell could it possibly do to you to piss you off that much? Could you imagine the scene.

There you are standing behind me as I get the fish out of the bowl with the net. Your like that little yappy fucker that stands behind the tough guy, Standing over my shoulder talking all tough and shit to the fish.

" Oh your all quiet now ain’t ya fish?"  " Your in for it now fish! "  I tell you to shut up as I expaine to the fish that it’s only business. You stick your tongue out and shoot it the finger. Once again I have no idea why you hate this fish this much but money is money. I punch the fish, it’s not pretty, little fucker popped and shot all over the place, Your freaking out and running all over the place in a panic. I try to tell you to relax and that by the time were done cleaning up the evidence. No body is going to even be able to tell that there was a fish. Your still freaking out and rushing around babbling about not wanting to kill it , Just scare it al little. I punch you in the face. That one’s free of charge. I clean the scene myself, you sulk in the corner mumbling something through your fat lip.

See why I don’t punch fish? Things turn ugly when you punch a fish.