Day Two: Healing Through Divorce

So, girl meets boy. Girl falls in love with boy. Girl has baby with boy and he absolutely destroys her and leaves her 18 months after said baby is born. So how did we reconnect? Great question, I’d love to tell you.

I’m going through my divorce and moving me and my kids into our apartment and I get a letter from child support saying that we have a court date because he wasn’t paying his child support. I haven’t seen this guy in 7 years. What if alllll of those puppy love teenage feelings come flooding back?! Corey was my first EVERYTHING. I wanted to throw up. I was so nervous having to see him again after all these years. What if he wanted a relationship with our daughter and broke her heart again?

I show up for the court appointment and he has his youngest daughter with him (my bonus daughter). Y’all. I fell in love with her instantly. While we waited to be called, I played with her and was just acting a fool in the waiting area of this court house. Afterward, we walk out together and he does say he wants to see Isabelle. I took his number and told him I’d talk to her about it, but ultimately, it’s up to her. She was 8 years old at this point and has her own feelings and opinions. She said she’d talk to him, so I text him and let him know and set boundaries that he HAS to be consistent or I’d shut it down. He agreed, and he called her every single day at the same time. If he was going to be even a minute late, he was texting me to let me know.

One day Isabelle asked if she could stay all night with him. Absolutely not. Mama needs a little more time before I let that happen. So she asked if he could stay at our house instead and have a slumber party in the living room. I gave in. She fell asleep and me and him started talking and he told me he missed me and he regretted leaving me all those years ago and he had been thinking about me a lot lately. Which he had also told me over text, and my response was “yeah… don’t do that…” So I told him to kiss me. And he did. And it was a GOOD kiss. Like one of the ones from the romance movies. I took a step back, looked at him and told him to do it again. He did. Another good romance movie quality kiss. I patted his chest and said “that’s all I needed. That was like kissing my brother.” I walked back to my bedroom and went to bed and left him standing there.

So again, how did we manage to reconnect? Well. He was constantly around for Isabelle. Keeping his promises, always showing up, being the dad I never thought he could/would be. We became friends again. Best friends. We laughed, joked, had fun together with Isabelle and Levi. We were just around each other all the time. Before I knew it, I didn’t want him doing those things with anyone else and that realization blindsided me. So when he proposed Christmas of 2018, I was blindsided again, but knew I wanted to spend forever with him.

Forever was only a total of 6 years for this guy though… We clearly have different definitions of forever.

So, healing for today was pretty much the same as yesterday. I didn’t break down over getting my oil changed or dropping pizza, but I did cry over literally everything else and nothing at all. I was just a whole mess of tears. He keeps texting me about the dumbest things and I can’t heal if he keeps contacting me about stupid things.

I did break down because I forgot juice. I took Levi’s class lunch today and forgot the juice at home because I was so preoccupied with other thoughts of all I have to do all at the same time it seems. Because I was thinking about him. I was distracted. So I forgot the juice because of him. And I cried. For an hour. Over juice…

I talked to a friend tonight before I had therapy and told her that part of me wants him to come home, even though I know this is a pattern and I won’t take him back. I love him. I always have. I’m IN love with him. Even with all the crap, him leaving is the hardest thing. Do you know what she said to me? “But he isn’t the person you love. The person you love you have created in your head because that’s who you want him to be. But the lying and the cheating is who he really is.”

Wow. Girl, you’re right… What DO I love about him? The PERSON him? I fell in love with the lies that he made me believe. The lies he used to suck me in and manipulate me for the last 6 years. The promises he made and broke. I fell in love with a version of himself that he created just to get me. It’s not who he actually is. It’s all for show. But yes, I do love him. Tonight I miss him. Tonight I want him home with me and the kids. I want him sleeping next to me in bed. But not the him he actually is. I want the him he created to get me. That’s the guy I fell madly in love with. He just doesn’t exist. And that’s painful.