Day Twenty-One: Healing Through Divorce

I haven’t updated in 6 days. These last 6 days have been an ENTIRE rollercoaster. Things have happened. Things have been broken. Things have changed shape. There has been healing and more heartache. So much in the last 6 days and I’ll do my best to let it all out on here.

The last thing I talked about was sleeping with my husband last weekend. Spending basically the entire weekend with him. I shared how we talked about an open marriage and went along with that plan. I decided on Tuesday I didn’t want that anymore and made the choice to walk away. That hurt my husband. Which I was fine with. He has hurt me so much, and I needed to protect my peace. Before, I was willing to do whatever it took to keep my husband and my best friend. By time Tuesday came, I decided I needed to keep me instead. I didn’t want to share him, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself I could do it.

I told my daughter last night that we will always find a way back to each other. That’s what happens when you have a history that spans over 18 years. It has always been him and it will always BE him.

When I walked away from him on Tuesday, he was absolutely broken. He said he didn’t want to lose me. But you have her, so I don’t see what the big deal is. I’m not her. That’s what the big deal is. She found out on Wednesday that I had been sleeping with him. She also knew that I walked away. She chose to do the same, which he was fine with.

Thursday we talked (okay we both yelled a lot…) for 2 hours or more. Once we had both pulled it together, he said he didn’t want anyone but me. He wants to make our marriage work. He wants to do therapy and get psych help and do marriage counseling with me. He wants to prove with his actions that he means it. He knows his word doesn’t mean shit to me at this point. I told him he’s not allowed to move back home. He has his apartment for a year, and he needs to take that year to pull it together. He said he’s okay with that. I didn’t tell him yes, but I didn’t tell him no. I told him we’d see where we are in a year. So for right now, he’s putting in an effort. I’m just over here at home with our kids trying to heal from what he damaged. He’s trying to heal too.

Am I stupid? Possibly. Or this is our true redemption story. I believe that every marriage that CAN be saved SHOULD be saved. I’m staying guarded and fully prepared for the worst, just absolutely hoping for the best. We both have a lot of healing to do and he has a lot of work to do. The apartment is kind of a blessing in disguise. He has one full year. It’s going to be so hard to not let him come back home or want to spend every single day with him, but that is my hard boundary. He’s making what effort he can now until he gets started with the professional help.

18 years is a long time. We will always find our way back to each other. He’s home to me. Always has been, always will be. So here’s to day 21. I should probably change the name of this now… I just pray I don’t have to change it back.