Day Three: Healing Through Divorce

Dear Husband,

I haven’t heard from you all day and I’ve actually been okay today. I only cried a few times randomly, but it only lasted seconds. I kept myself busy today. Both kids had therapy this morning, so that took up a huge portion of our day. I spent the day talking to friends to keep myself distracted. I talked to a guy about coming to mow our lawn since we have a weird slant in our yard and I have zero grace. And because I don’t know how to even do it. I’ve never had to because you always took care of the yard work. I did my devotionals. I journaled. I read. I listened to worship music. Whatever I could do to keep myself busy and keep my mind off you.

It worked for the most part.

Until the guy came to mow the yard and I realized I couldn’t find the shed key because you were the last one to use it and you didn’t put it back where it goes. I had Isabelle call you so I didn’t have to. I’m trying REALLY hard to not reach out to you considering you made the choices you did, and I wasn’t that choice. When I should have been your ONLY choice… The yard isn’t done because of the missing key. So I cried. A LOT. Because this is yet another responsibility you walked away from and left for me to handle on my own. I tried and I failed.

I had planned on making a real dinner tonight. Until the shed thing happened. Then I just shut down and couldn’t human anymore. So we ordered tacos instead. Levi hugged me when I started sobbing and told me it was going to be okay and told me he’d never leave me the way you did.

I started to calm down a little. I ate the tacos. It’s the most I’ve eaten in 5 days. I’ve actually lost like 7lbs in the last 5 days. Adulterous husband/depression diet for the win! Then you text me. And that ruined everything again. You can’t even go a full day without texting me and asking me for something. You wanted to know the balance in our joint checking account. I started to ignore you, but then I remembered that you agreed to pay all the bills until I start working and I don’t want to piss you off and make you NOT pay bills. So I responded. I decided to also go ahead and ask you about the shed key making SURE it wasn’t on your key ring, which you responded with a few more ideas of where you might have put it. I ignored it. Then you text me AGAIN 5 minutes later telling me it’s somewhere in the house. Yeah, I got that from the previous text…

STOP. TEXTING. ME. I can’t breathe without you and I can’t heal if you don’t leave me alone.

Had you put the key back where it was supposed to go, my day would have been fine. Had you NOT went outside our marriage with my FRIEND, we would be okay and you’d be here to take care of your responsibilities like you promised me you would. What a hell of a concept…

I love you and I miss you and I don’t want to anymore. It physically hurts to love you.

Love,

Your Wife

Clearly today didn’t go great either. I had anxiety all day, but I managed to hold it together for the most part. I was really proud of myself for not spending the day crying over him. And now I can’t stop crying and it’s frustrating… Trauma bonds suck, dude…