Day Thirty One: Healing

I thought I should change the title of this since things keep changing in my life. My last update was day 21 where my husband said that he wanted to make our marriage work and he wanted to put in the work.

He has been. He’s been going to marriage counseling with me, has talked to someone he trusts from church, has been doing devotionals with me and even chose one for us to do on healing a broken marriage after trust has been broken. I told him I’d call and schedule an assessment for psychiatry because I honestly don’t trust him to do it because he’s a procrastinator. Well, apparently I am too because I also keep forgetting…

He still has his apartment, but he’s living back at home. I didn’t stand my ground on that one. He didn’t force himself back in, I broke and asked him to come home. I was struggling with working on our marriage and not having him home. Every time I would leave his apartment or he would leave the house, a piece of me was staying with him and I hated it. So I asked him to come home.

Now our issue is that he has an apartment he’s not living in that he has to pay for. There are options to get out from under the lease. He can find someone to take over for him or he can give them a 60 day notice and pay 3k the same day and he will be released. We don’t have 3k and we don’t have anyone to move in and take over the lease. So we’re stuck right now. The best we can do is just keep cruising and paying bills until we figure it out.

My anxiety has been mostly on the back burner. There have been a few days that I’ve super struggled. I was doing his laundry the other day and I found one of her pillow cases in the basket. It wasn’t a bra or panties. It was a pillowcase. But that’s what had me undone for the whole day. I don’t even know why. I knew she had slept there a few times. I knew they had been together. I knew she had things over there because I’m the one who packed everything up and took it to her. I don’t know why a stupid pillowcase bothered me so much, but it did.

She finally stopped texting him (for now) and stopped trying to be my friend. He blocked her and deleted her number and his social media the day he said he wanted to work on our marriage, but I can see on the Verizon website that she was still texting him. She was also texting me asking me if I wanted to go out with her or if I would babysit for her and finally I said “please stop. We don’t need to pretend to be friends especially since you’re only doing it to try and sleep with my husband again. He has you blocked and deleted on everything and he’s not seeing your desperate messages. Back off.” She finally did. I can’t wrap my mind around how someone could 1) have an affair and 2) go after a married man. They were both wrong.

Even when we were separated, I felt guilty even talking to another man I knew liked me more than a friend. I felt like THAT was having an affair. I could never have an affair. Emotional, physical, whatever. It just wouldn’t happen. I know the pain it causes and I wouldn’t wish that unbearable pain on anyone. But for now, we’re healing. He’s putting in the effort. I’m putting in the effort. We’re making time for each other and talking and playing and having fun and rebuilding our friendship while God recreates our marriage.

So here’s to day thirty one. I still need to figure out what to title this new chapter in my life…